my 2024 resolutions

When people started sharing their 2023 resolutions at the end of the year, I realized I wasn't doing this at all. There is a memory in my mind about a time when I did this, the New Year's Eve that connects 2020 to 2021; we wrote down what we wanted to do that year on a piece of paper, put it in a drawer, and decided to look at it 6 months later. (We didn't do it & they never happened.) I remember writing things like learning French and traveling to somewhere else; considering the time and conditions back then, it doesn't feel like very reasonable goals when I think about it now. I never did this in the following years, it never even occurred to me; I think I haven't wanted anything from life or myself for a long time. The wish I make on my birthdays is always the same: Thank God for everything, I hope I continue to live a healthy life with my loved ones. (Thankfully, it turns out true.)

This year, while I was reading people's 2023 resolutions, I also started to observe myself and question why I didn't do this. The answer was very simple: when I set a goal for myself, I am so afraid of not accomplishing it, of failing, that I allow my dreams and desires to float in the void and vanish away over time. In fact, I take it one step further and assign responsibility to divine timing as if THEY WILL HAPPEN AT THE RIGHT TIME. It is not in my interest to actively take action to achieve my goals. I don't want to get too hard on myself at this point, I have been studying/working very intensively for about 7 years; I don't know if I create this intensity for myself because I can't stay idle, but this year, I started to experience leaving myself alone for a bit. Besides that, I also feel like this year is my year to take action, it's like I've reached the end of my patience and can no longer keep anything in my life that doesn't bring me incredible joy, I have no tolerance for postponing anything, I can't accept broken promises made to me, I can't just sit back on the things I said I would do. I'm moving on, I don't want to promise something I won't take action on. I want to be able to take intentional, logical steps rather than making unplanned, instinctive, emotional decisions. Rather than accepting my habits that have been around for years and not trying to change them, I choose to push myself and experience a different world. That's why I'm overcoming this fear of failure and creating a 2024 resolutions list for myself. Let's go.

To release at least one more song.
Thinking that it would motivate me, I published the songs I had made years ago, bought myself a midi keyboard, changed the strings of my guitar, and at one point I even started a music production course; I don't want any of my efforts, dreams or thoughts to be left unfinished anymore. While singing is the thing that I most feel like me in life, I don't want to postpone it any longer. My current thought is to collaborate with a producer and make a song together, but let's see, I'm open to what life will bring and I'm excited for it.

Djing in at least one event.
As someone who has been listening to sets while working for years, I find this process very enjoyable. I've been vibing to DJs for years, and I want to experience being on the other side of the deck just once. I imagine having a private party with my close friends at our favorite rooftop bar, me playing funky songs to the people I love. Why don't we do any concept parties anymore? We urgently need to bring back this habit.

Traveling to at least 2 countries.
At the moment I think it would be Indonesia or Mexico, and recently the idea of Albania was added to this list. Maybe Thailand? I don't know. But, after rooting until June, I wanna be on the move.

Conducting at least one workshop.
I started this year with the desire to make an impact, I don't know where this idea came from. Before, I never had an urge to give workshops, train people or teach them something, in short, SPREADING THE KNOWLEDGE. But this year, I increasingly feel like leading people and adding value. Big or small, I want to gather people together and allow different minds to exchange with each other.

Accepting being a grown up and making peace with growing old.
I think this will be the hardest resolution of all; But I hope I will achieve this too.

Above all, I want to do more things that make my heart melt this year. I want to experience more of the things like, when I think of it, I just feel a warmth spreading through my heart; like living in Barcelona, spending my days highly productive, connecting with like-minded people, reuniting with the ones I care. I care about sharing, understanding, intention, compassion and connection more this year.

I just need to wake up and start doing things.

doubt is the only thing I don't carry to 2024

Coming from a year of growth, questions, self-centering & figuring out, then demolishing; I feel light starting this year: less depending, less demanding; more aware & welcoming.

Life has become simpler when I discovered every itch I have in my heart comes from two things: it is either when things are not the way I want/planned them to be; or because I doubt something in the situation. I doubt that things will go my way, I doubt myself to be good enough to achieve something, doubt the person in front of me to be good enough to give me what I want, doubt the colleague to be good enough to serve my needs, doubt that the circumstances will turn out in the way that I'd get what I want from the start. Even when I am so sure of myself, one tiny distortion that would give me a sense of doubt and unsecurity in a situation; I know that it has a potential to grow, take over and destroy everything. 

Life and exploring myself is a never ending journey that is fluid, on-going, never ending; I am noone to take control. The relationships I have made (not romantically) and the achievements I have gained have led me to a point where, I finally discovered that doubt has no role in the life I'm living. I let it happen instead of trying to figure it out. I give space to myself to feel things I don't make sense, I let that moment happen to me; I finally let life happen to me instead of trying to make it happen. 

I have trust that in the end everything happens on behalf of me; not against me. I don't pressure myself, I try to leave myself alone intentionally every time; because I also know how unstable I can be. This has also caused me to no longer be angry at situations and other people, I am experiencing being accepting; While I am a very impatient and controlling person, right now just by being sure of only myself and the steps I take, by allowing everything that happens around me to stay with me at its own pace or to vanish away, I believe that over time I will create the best scenario for myself. 

Sometimes I find myself disturbed by a situation that I cannot make sense, and in contrast sometimes I feel very peaceful as if everything is possible in life in a conversation or in the presence of a person. My mind's first reaction is to assign a thing to those feelings to validate them. In order to justify those feelings that I cannot understand, I try to make up a cover for them or ignore them and not dwell on them. I promise myself to stop doing this in 2024.

As long as I am sure of myself, what is good for me and what serves the points I want to achieve about myself; As long as I feel that I am on the right path, every step I take, every emotion I feel, every positive or negative result is valid; and I am happy with life as it is, trying to build it with all my being so that it gets better every day.

I'm happy as long as there are people around me who gets my question marks. I am happy with me being alone, knowing that farewells open the door to new beginnings. I am very happy with me being with someone('s), knowing that my presence and absence lead to different blessings. By keeping my being at ease and my heart open and light; I embrace this year.

oturan kişiliğimi ayaklandırmam üzerine

“Ne kadar aptalmışım” Her sene, geçen seneki halimi düşününce söylediğim o cümle. Bir yandan bunun rahatsızlığını yaşarken, bir yandan da ne kadar büyüdüğümü ve geliştiğimi yeniden anlamamı sağlayan o cümle. Bu kadar değişen, dönüşebilen bir varlıkken; kim olduğumuzdan emin olduğumuzu, belli bir yaşa gelince kişiliğimizin -en azından bir kısmının- oturmuş olduğunu düşünmemiz ne kadar adil? Oturmuş kişilik ne demek? Acaba bu, kim olduğumuza dair sınırlar çizdiği için rahatlatıcı mı yoksa aslında sınırlayıcı da olabilir mi? “Ben böyleyim” diyip işin içinden çıktığımız durumlardan çok daha fazlası var gibi burada. 

Çocukluğum, ailem, arkadaşlarım, yaşadıklarım, iz bıraktığım coğrafyalar; kim olduğumun ve nasıl bu olduğumun en büyük eşlikçileri ve katkı değerleri. Onlar sayesinde, onlar yüzünden, ne olduğumu düşünüyorsam o olmuşum bugün. Muhtemelen bir sene sonraki Aralık’ta da bugünkü ben’e karşı şefkatle bakıp onu toy göreceğim. 25 oldum bu yıl, çeyrek asırdır sürdürdüğüm hayatımda bazen 7’mde neysem 25’imde de o olduğumu hissediyorum. Bazense böyle, bir yıla kalmadan, aptalca bulabiliyorum kendimi. Bir gün doğru bir davranış sergilediğim için (kime göre, neye göre’ye girmeyeceğim) kendimle gurur duyarken, ertesi gün 7’mde ne hissediyorsam 25’imde de onu hissettiğimi gözlemleyebiliyorum. 

Nasıl da yönetiyor hayatımı bu tanıdık hisler, aynı şeyleri tekrar tekrar yaşamama sebep oluyor: ama ben her seferinde farklı çıkarımlar yapıyorum; çünkü birinde 16’yım, birinde 22, birinde 25. Hepsinin kaynağı aynı, yorumu farklı. Dersi farklı, çözümü aynı. Kendime daha da tutunmamı sağlayan (/neden olan) bu çözümler (sonuçlar) artık beni rahatsız etmeye başladı, çünkü tekrara düşüyorum. (Ve ben, rutinden/tekrardan/tekdüze olan her şeyden nefret eden biri-yim :) 

25 yaşındayım: kendimi tanımladığım bazı kelimeler var. Benimsediğim, kabullendiğim, kabul gördüğüm, tanındığım ve bilindiğim o kelimeler. Kendimi seviyorum, ama tekrara düştüğümü hissettiren o şeyler bana bir şeylerin değişmesi gerektiğinin sinyallerini veriyor. Böylece, tekrar, kendi üzerimde çalışmaya ve kendimi dinlemeye başlıyorum. 

Düşüncelerimi izlemeyi öğreniyorum mesela, tepkisel davranmamayı öğreniyorum (halbuki duygularını uçlarda yaşayan ve yüksek tepkiler veren biriyim). Bedenim, yüzüm, mimiklerim olmadığımı; hepsinin ardındaki bilinç olduğumu devamlı hatırlatıyorum kendime. (Oysa ki dış görünüşüne çok önem veren biriyim.) Sinirlendiğim zamanlarda kendimi duygularıma kaptırıp kırıcı davranmamayı deneyimliyorum. (Çabuk sinirlendiğim ve çabuk sakinleştiğim söylenir.) Yani söylemek istediğim; değişimin kaçınılmaz -ve hatta şu noktada gerekli- olduğunun farkında olarak; olduğum kişi’den (ya da olduğumu düşündüğüm) beni uzaklaştırdığı endişesiyle değişime direniyorum. (Rutinden nefret edermişimmişim. Neden mesela? İlk kaç yaşında nefret ettim rutinden, buna karar verdim? Hala neden bu inanca sarılıp bunu KARAKTERİM yapıyorum?) Tutunduğum kendim, bildiğim büyüttüğüm var ettiğim yarattığım yaratılan kusursuz olmasa da “ben” olduğu için, ve ben olmak dışında hiçbir şey olmayı bilmediğim için, kendimi geliştirme motivasyonuyla çıktığım bu yolda yapıtaşlarımı değiştirerek ilerlemem gerektiği için AŞIRI KORKUTUCU BİR HAL ALDI. 

Ama maksimum ne olabilir, ne kadar değişirsem değişeyim hala beynime ve sevdiklerime sahip olucam, beğenmezsem bir daha değiştiririm kendimi. Oturmamış mı oluyo acaba şimdi kişiliğim anlamıyorum ki. Dolanmayı seviyo galiba.

Değişmeyen tek şey değişimdir, klişesiyle 2023’e ve 2023 İrem’ine veda ediyorum. 2024 süper olacak, böyle gidersem ben de ya süper olurum ya da kafayı kırıp nefes koçu falan olurum herhalde. Olmak ya da olmamak; bütün mesele bu değil mi zaten. 

what my last disappointment taught me

Long story short: I am saying forever goodbye to predictions & getting caught in the illusion of age. 

When I was 21 and the person I fell in love with was 27, in our break-up talk he was super logical on the topic about our age difference and saying things like « You have a lot to experience, you will realize that this is not actually what you want » and he was absolutely right. Over time I thanked him more than enough to dump me back then so that I had the life I had and now I am way more close to knowing what I actually want. When you are in your 20’s, life flows really fast: days go by so fast, there are lots of things to do & many places to see & tons of people to meet. You get to experience A LOT. Many many things happen to you, you happen to many many people and in the end you create yourself a life that directs you to the next moment, next day, next month, next year- next age. 

I always tend to underestimate people that are younger than me (bullshit) because obviously I think I have more experience than them (another bullshit). I am likely to show more respect to the people that are older than me (not fair) because I think they have experienced it allllll, the older the wiser (biggest bullshit in the whole wide world). 

I came to a realization that it doesn’t matter if you travel the world, lose 10 people, kill someone, finish 2 degrees or go crazy: what you have done never really matters. What matters is what you got out of it. What it got you, where it got you mentally, what do you feel about it all now. Basically consideration and the act of thinking about it consciously. 

So the Instagram posts of the cities you’ve been, along with your age, is just an illusion. Having 3 serious relationships doesn’t show that you know how to behave well in a relationship or how to be a great girlfriend. Studying music doesn’t mean you’re good at it. Being rich doesn’t mean you know how to earn money. It is all predictions based on one’s past or experiences and it is something that is very hard to actively remember but I hope with practice I will learn not to do it again. 

Here I am, at 3am writing these in the need of getting things out and done in my head; because I made the same mistake again. I thought (maybe desperately hoped) for such person to act in a certain way (sane, reasonable, mature, like a fucking grown up) because WHY NOT? How am I 24, this aware of myself and how can people not be, at the age of 32, 35, 38? Because I think things through, I spend time trying to understand myself, my world around me, my thoughts and emotions and I check in with myself, I observe. How can people not do that and live that long? What have you been doing your whole life? What experience of you is, really real? How do you even consider yourself as YOU if you have no fucking clue about it? 

Dropping the mic… Thank you for listening. Hope to meet in happy stories really soon. <3 

how I turned into barney stinson and realizing it made me wanna change it

For more than a year now, I have been so busy focusing on myself: connecting with my true self, creating a life that feels like me, doing things that reflect me, getting myself a job that is in my own terms, finishing my Masters degree, figuring out my up's and down's and how to handle it all etc... Which thankfully led me to this point of where I am finally sure of myself - maybe a bit too much. 

While dealing with all these technical sides of getting things done, I saw my need for other people vanishing away to a degree of which I don't even take people seriously anymore. When I have my family and friends besides me, I don't need a third party. I cannot think of having another one in my life that fills my thoughts, my nights, my free time - I feel like I would always have better things to do and think of. 

It's been like this for a certain time now. I don't like CARE CARE about anybody, I tend to approach them for only physical reasons. I just wanna feed my need for attention, and obviously other needs of mine, and that's all. I don't even have a type anymore - because I don't believe in such thing. I believe in the timing, the match of needs and the separation. It is the realistic point of view which was super beneficial for me. 

Obviously I enjoyed it. I love being on my own, staying with myself. I hate the question 'You are such a pretty girl, why are you alone?' It's not like something is wrong with me, I PREFER it to be this way. I almost always felt like other people tend to be more shallow than me so I wouldn't be able to hold a joyful conversation with them so why would I even try. I remember thinking to myself after an incident, 'Why do I care so much about men being intelligent before interacting with them? In the end what I want is certain, and for that I don't even need them to be intelligent, I don't see it ahead. Men doesn't even worth it anyways most of the time, so why would I even turn off myself because of that?' Yes, I am that low expectation oriented towards men. And it was not even from a cocky point of view, I was just not limiting myself as I used to be. Because I used to tend to turn off by literally the smallest things. But I have been going with the flow and I have been experimenting - I really see it all as experiments because when feelings are not involved, it is just you testing things out with different ingredients and backgrounds and seeing the result (or usually getting bored before seeing the result and then THAT is the result.) I was so happy that I, now, am a woman who is rarely affected by what is going on around and always finds her way back to being the center of her life. So happy to not link my happiness over a man or a text message, so happy to be able to read people before interacting with them, to influence my girls to be the same. For twice or three times, I have been announced by some men to be 'the free, independent, libertarian friend of girls' when they heard my advices to my friends. (What an honor for me!!!) I was just speaking my own truth and trying to encourage them to leave their toxic relationship. I enjoyed it tho, being seen as this strong ass woman, switching from being Carrie to Samantha (from SATC) which sometimes even scared people off from approaching to me! I think it was the point where it got a bit out of hands. 

I started to overreact on the inside when I hear a friend of mine talking about some boy that she just met, as if it was the love of her life, after the first date. I judged her: how could she feel this way? I even pitied her, how was she 29 and still liking people over a NEED? Because that was my inference, if you like someone this much right away you are nothing but a pathetic loser who just needs to be loved. My inner voice was so cruel on unconditionally, stupidly falling for someone: it was just none sense and childish and sad.

I was walking down the streets on one of my rainy days, I saw a text message of some guy I've seen once or twice, offering a meeting to make me feel better. I texted back, saying that I am on my period. And he was like, 'It doesnt have to be the only reason that we meet?' There it hit me that, while I was looking down on people thinking they are superficial and I cannot connect with them emotionally; I became one of those superficial people by looking at them only for the obvious reasons. The whole time I was so sure that they see me the same way I was seeing them, it never occured to me that maybe they would want something more. It was also a rebellious side of me showing the world that women also are able to not care and ditch you off and use you and not call you back and so on. Because we are. We are not DEFAULTLY emotional or caring or vulnerable. We CHOOSE to be that way - and when we choose the other way, me happens. Anyways, when I started thinking about why - why I enjoy being single this much or why I freak out when I even think about catching feelings. The reason was super obvious. I am so fucking scared and I don't even know why. The fear of getting hurt doesn't make sense at all. The fear of going through something that there is not even a possibility to go through it is just PHENOMENONALLY HILAROUS. I don't know how to deal with or overcome this one. I don't even know if I can or if I should. When I think back of the times where I was going through the hardest break-up of my life, I was so positive on me never loving anyone again and situation shows I am still true to my word - not consciously. I hate to admit it but I guess I have turned myself into one egocentric superficial emotion-less carefree son of a bitch. 

While I enjoy being that, especially towards men where it is usually the other way around, I guess I've reached my saturation point. Because even tho it is super good and healthy to feed my ego, I think it's fed enough now and I don't want it to get fat. It is in good shape now and let's just keep it that way. (Blame my gin tonic for this sense of humor) Fuck that TV show, I started watching Normal People about a week ago. It reminded me how it feels like to be in a relationship. You know that little moves when you sleep together the positions you grow over time, the vulnerable moments shared together, tough times handled together, the care and love for each other and the ways to show it... Sadly, it was the last trigger of mine to kinda get away from that carefree side of me which I was building up for a year now. 

I think I really got what I needed. The experiences, the thrill, all the things I wanted for them to happen and all others which I wouldn't even imagine but happened to me; I am grateful for all. I am 25 in a month and 24 has been an extraordinary, amazing journey. But I guess what I need is slowly shifting as I am getting closer to my new age. (It's not that I care that much about ages but it just makes sense to me somehow now) I don't wanna feel sexy as a priority, I wanna feel cozy. I don't want desire as the first thing, I want connection and care. (But fuck its also important. I guess I want it all:( ) I don't wanna judge people by their looks, because I am (always been) aware that it's just flesh and bones. I am still very hesitated over catching feelings but realizing the source of why I was SO OBVIOUSLY avoiding them gave me relief and made me feel more open towards changing and solving that fearful side of me. And I never wanna use this fear as an excuse for anyone, towards anyone for any kind of my behaviors because I know how painful it could be. It is time for me to delete all the useless contact cards on my phone so I don't booty call, to say no to some of my friends so I don't get super wasted, to write more, to stay in my room more, to keep loving myself and honoring my loved ones and just live in indefinite peace. 

on being in a cocoon & the will to be a butterfly

We were walking. We were 5. We were headed somewhere where we just lay back and enjoy our company. I was starting to feel a thing inside me which bothers me but not on the surface, I was wondering if it would pass or it would just spread to my whole night. 

It didn't begin right away, it was there before we were headed too. A feeling of hesitation. A feeling of confusion, the confusion between how it used to feel like and now it feels now. There were so much that I would like to share but something in me just kept me in a way that I just couldn't. A feeling of lack of matter, as if it won't matter if I share or not, it won't even make a difference if I was there or not. 

We sat, I was just not feeling in the moment. Something in me was bothering me that, I just don't matter that much anymore, what was happening was just a matter of habit, as if they were just keeping up with me, as if it was just a learnt act that we gather and enjoy time - out of habit & obligation. In the littlest things you notice life and I felt like a number, a plus one which was okay in some ways. When I remembered back how I usually feel in my daily life nowadays it was just way below the level, insecure, worthless, not even concrete but as a gas if it makes sense. It didn't start right away. It was already boiling in me for a month now. 

I wanted to go to the toilet and she kept me company. I didn't need it but you know, it's just the way it is, it's a act better as a duo when you are in a group. We were approaching to this bar nearly closed, I knew they wouldn't let strangers in but somehow I also knew we were going to get in. So we did. At first he didn't wanna let us be in, then he was like, Get in but I didn't see you. And then we were in. I was feeling really out of place, in my mind, somewhere else. It was a feeling of not belonging, a feeling of nostalgia when you haven't actually left yet but you know you are about to so you just soak in the moment but also realizing that now those moments are not the same as it used to be anymore. It just didn't make sense. I turned up my phone and took some notes when I was feeling shocked by the fact that I knew we were gonna be in and we somehow did. Why would it matter to me? Ho would I know that? How would I know that? How would I not feel belong here? 

The signs around me slap in my face as messages nowadays. The theme is to live self-centric. Which I enjoy, I put up a hard work to get myself here. And I am super content with it: with myself, with how I guide my life, with how I communicate with others, how I connect with the people around me. But it is not one sided so it causes troubles some times and I tend to avoid connecting with those who would cause me trouble in the long term, I tend to keep my circle close & tight and I enjoy that. But then something happens, my best friend yells at me for not showing my love enough, all of a sudden I go back to a memory of mine which I felt safe and loved, I feel guilty over a night where I could spend with family instead I went and got drunk with a friend; they collect and collapse on me as a remorse to prove me wrong, to tell me that I am not acting healthy. 

Yesterday I came back to the city I've been living in for the last 6 years, I took a bath and when I was taking a bath I realized a thought. A weird feeling. I thought, it is so weird that, you feel more at home in a place which you made out of nothing, than the house you've grown in. Yet here today, I find myself feeling the exact opposite. What can I do, what can I say? There is a side in me which I cannot tame, I cannot put behind cages and it's started to hunt me whatever I do now. 

We came back, we started to collaborate. I started talking about somewhere I would like to be. Yes, I am sorry, I would much prefer the thrill over this weird connection I was feeling between us which feels - not right. In a way. Then the song started to play. You're on your own, in a world you've grown. I didn't know if it was me feeling too much or the ones around me feeling too little. I dissociated and I felt like I am in an indie movie. Camera turns to me in slow motion, the volume increases, close up to my looks, then it turns to the environment I am in, then to me again, the songs captures you. Is this darkness or the dawn? 

Then we left. The feeling was at its peak. It hadn't started right away. I know it way too good. I've lived with it for years before. All those times I felt there was something wrong with me, in me. But it was not about it. It was not about me being wrong, or them being wrong. It was just because we were on different frequencies in life, enjoying different things,  I care in the other way around. I was just waiting for the moment where I am home by myself digesting all. The feeling you cannot escape, the feeling you just want so badly to escape but once it surrounds you you give in and you act on that. 

I knew, for sure, after that night that it was time for me to get the hell out of this place.

why I fancy people I fancy

Song

There I was, feeling surprised in the morning of how things turned out to be; I had no clue back then that I’d still be thinking of him as days pass by. “How did we get here?” I was thinking, because things did not happen in the sequence that I am accustomed to. You know the generic pattern, you see someone you find them attractive and you wonder about them. This time it was the other way around, we met in a social space where we also met 100 other people, we became friends and shared moments together, gradually one thing let to another and it just turned out to be a kind of… love, for me, I guess. Stupidly, even now when I think of the moments we shared one-to-one I feel like I’m about to cry. It is not that I am sad or sorry, it is because the feeling is so high that it tries to find a way to get out of my body and I feel like crying.

Such a feeling, ha? It is not like I experience it every day. It is funny how you have no idea where & when the spark would shine. Maybe that is the beauty of it. Something we have no control of. Something beautiful & frustrating.

Why do I fancy people that I fancy? It is a question I ask myself from time to time, to have a better understanding of the roots of my behaviors & desires. Obviously the reason I fancy people changes, but I’ve found it interesting enough to share how I feel about it at this time of my life. 

I recognized a repeating act of me when it comes to feel “high” on people, the people which I felt the spark with, I noticed some similarities of those people: 1. We get to to spend 2-3 days together and then they go away. 2. We usually happen to live in different countries / cities. So the common theme is: they last short and they don’t have a chance to grow big. 

Before, I was thinking, obviously it was because we spend so little time together (so we know little about each other and there is a blissful side of short things as we all aware of) but then I proved myself wrong: I don’t feel the spark AFTER we separate. I feel it during. So it is not correct.

Then, I put down the possibility of me making up things that I don’t know about them in a way that would make me want them more, there was times when I was doing that but no, I don’t do that anymore. I just see what people show me and don’t try to guess up the rest or look for something behind their actions. So, this also, goes off the table.

Then I thought, maybe it is a self sabotage I do to myself subconsciously; I LET myself feel the spark because deep down I know it’s not gonna last. That made sense, because I tend to do this: ending things when it is at their best to remember it in that great way. (It works for me to think like that) For a while I was convinced that it was the reason and I went by with it.

But what I realized lately, as I was reading a blog of a British girl talking about happenings in her life, I read something as this: “Think of relationships as sand or water. Every relationship has their own shape, your relationship with your mother is a shape, sisterhood another shape, your relationship with your bestie is a best friend shaped relationship.” What if you just do not pour down the sand in any shape? It just flows and scatters, spills literally everywhere. I realized, I feel the most comfortable in communications that are not defined by any shape, mindset, forcing or geography. That’s the area I am more likely to feel the spark.

With all those people who I felt the spark with and then needed to leave, the spark I felt was not because we got to spend short time together or not about my ambivalent attachments towards them. It was, a bit about something we just can’t explain (call it energy, call it fate) and a little bit because we put no boundaries, lines, promises between us & we just became ourselves as we are, living in that moment as how we felt guided moments, we just bounded, connected, made the best out of it & then had to move on with our lives. We didn’t pour the sand in any shape, so the sand spread, twirling between our bodies, scattered into both of our lives. And it became… us. We became the sand. We carry it around wherever we go now, when we think of each other. 

As a person who would once need reassurance, trust, approval all the time; I now enjoy living in the undefined in such uncertainty. Because I am enjoying myself above all other things. As long as I feel that way, I don’t need the reassurance of tomorrow because I don’t even care. 

So yeah, safe to say that I fancy people that I could freely run in the wild mountains with, that would not limit who I am but to add more to it, that we wouldn’t put our sand in our pockets or limit it with any shape but we spread the sands wherever we are & the world would shine because of the sand we spread together. 

And yeah, I still think of him from time to time as weeks passed by. I put on the song I was so surprised he knew, think of how we danced to it as he sang it. I stupidly feel hot in my cheeks, a weight in my chest. I wish the best for him and keep moving on.