on indecision & desperate insists

a thing has been on my mind for about a month now, and I feel like I need to get it done to get it over in my head. why this insist? isn't it weird, that, even if it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end, you want it to happen so badly just to go through it? what's it about actually? what's the source feeling in that? 

anyway, I woke up to a day which I don't wanna leave bed ever, which I ended up making it true. whiskey in my stomach, a bruise on my knee I don't remember happening, clothes on the floor type of day. I put my phone on airplane mode and caught up with some TV show I should've watched earlier, but couldn't find that spare time. my head empty, my mouth dry, gosh how I missed being this dump. 

at some point I turned on my phone, texted back to those. a friend of mine called me and invited me over to his house, such care in his tone of voice, with a sea view and food and beers - a friend whom I can talk about anything with ease, seeing the world through similar type of lenses. the invite was so appealing, despite my hungover. I also remembered, I thought to myself yesterday that, work-life does not limit what you could do on the weekends; it is YOU who limits you. because lately I often find myself canceling plans, saying "no" to events 'because I gotta work the next day'. or because 'one day isn't enough to recover from that type of night so let's call it off'. thinking ahead, thinking ahead, thinking ahead. then why bother living, if you gotta keep thinking of the next move, next day? so I kinda decided to, live weekends as they come, to not limit myself because of responsibilities - because they are not gonna go away. they are here to stay. till the day I die. I just gotta figure out a new way to live with them.

but I didn't feel like a chat at all, take a cab, go, get tired, come home late, sleep late, wake up restless, go through a big monday day, because I do have a lot to do tomorrow. and I care so I have to be keen-set. 

then another friend called, my best friend, wanted to see me today. I also wanted to see her too, but now that's plan 2, I was not even ready for plan 1, but I automatically made a plan in my mind which could perfectly work, if I were to be willing to step outside. 

I was still feeling empty-headed, talked away my sister saying "I am not in the mood for a chat", that's how much I didn't feel like chatting. I was tired, I needed a break, watching the love hexagon on that Netflix show in bed and not doing anything else felt more appealing to me than everything else. 

I tried to make a decision of stepping out or not for about 2 hours, it was just so hard to decide what to do. Because 1, if not today then it'll be the next weekend cuz weekdays are workdays, 2, "do I really wanna spend all day in bed?" yes. do I get the fear of missing out? yes. did I just feel bad because I kinda wanna act the opposite way I thought yesterday? yes because it is super inconsistent... and I hate inconsistency... yet here I am finding myself changing minds over A DAY... 

in the end, I called everybody off, still in bed, drinking my herbal tea & writing these. still got a headache, tho I feel great. sometimes while trying to decide to do the RIGHT thing & trying to make EVERY PERSONA in you happy; you just forget that there is no such thing as right nor keeping everyone happy. sometimes you just gotta listen to your guts and do whatever feels good to you, even if it means not leaving bed. 

even if it means forcing that one thing to happen desperately, even tho it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end??? not sure about that one

three shorties about sexual act

i fucking disappeared in my dream

One day, I woke up feeling traumatised and I got off the bed immediately to go to the office as earlier as I can. On my way to the office, I started remembering my dream. I was like a lecturer, giving speech about how women are not allowed to talk about sex as freely as men, cultural taboos towards it, how hard it is for us women to share what we think about any kind of sexual activity, how we suppress our feelings or just give an effort to not share any details of that part of our lives & how fucked up it is. Then, some earthquake happened, I remember everything falling apart in a way in a disaster or something, and I die. My dreaming mind and my conscious mind after waking up interpreted it this way: we are so repressed to talk about it that I was punished and died when I talked a little too much about it, even in a dream. Is that such a bad thing? Is that such a shameful, secret, private, sacred thing? How can something that you can shamelessly show and experience to a person you just met without any embarrassment makes you feel so bad, uncomfortable and out of the norm when you talk about it? There is something very vile, hypocritical, and unfair here. When it comes to showing our opinions openly and honestly on everything else, why do we all turn into ignorant apes when it comes to sex, as if that wasn't what sustains humanity and the reason that we all are here? I didn't see it, I didn't hear it, I don't know. I can't talk, I can't share; I cannot expose myself: but I also expect, I wish, I hope, I judge others on the subject. What kind of lack of character in this? And so I decided to be as open, transparent, and honest as possible about it, both to myself and to the world around me. 

do we want to make a terrible decision?

As I could still feel the presence of him in my thighs, I was having little flashbacks of 30 minutes ago where the world seemed natural, in the flow and I being in the moment. Maybe listening to your guts and not thinking it through is the way to work things out sometimes, it was too soon to tell. As I inhaled sitting at the back seat of the taxi I checked in only to find out the lightness of the feeling which comes when you feel when you did something just at the right time, at the right place, at the right day & with the right person. A safe, healthy trade where everything’s on the table and nothing there to guess. A mutual, happy transaction. I wonder how it will attract the rest. 

casual ones, gambling times

Once I met with one of my girls on an event we were attending to, she brought in a date with her. First date, he met with her close circle, she seemed joyful about it. He was super confident, we bounded super quickly & in a short time, with the help of some wine I was just telling her in front of him that, "I would like to see this guy again". 

Then I left off somewhere, the next day I met with her at mine for her to spill some tea. She seemed super intense about him. How their night went absolutely amazing, the way he treated her at bar & when they were behind closed doors. Everything seemed almost magical to be true, we both were so sure that there would be a definite second date, maybe a possible love-disaster, something strong, something that would last more than an hour; something that made her feel in a way. That made her heart beat. 

We were talking about all those possible scenarios, asking hypothetical questions; what if's & but if's. Tho it was pretty soon to talk about such topics, (cuz it's only been a date, right? Even if it felt great.) we were just going out and about every little detail - as we pretty much always do. 

Then what happened? He did not call again. For weeks, no clue about him. 

I couldn't help but think; what was it about sex that makes it right and done for men but makes it the opposite - the start, the beginning & the excite for women? 

I took a second to filter back through my life of wonder, I kinda have the opposite back behavior after something happens. I would have bestowed this event on that day, and with the thought of "it happened and it's over", I leave it on that day in order to remember the beautiful thing well, and try to continue my life as if it never happened, until the point I see a move from the person. 

Tho I am familiar with the feels of attachment, safety, a kind of peace that comes when you get intimate with a person that you don't know well enough. It's like, with the attraction that comes on pre-party; when felt good, you start to perceive reality in a way that almost everything you've done in life brought you to that point to that magical moment of primitivity; you start to seek a meaning in such basic acts. 

How come tho? How come, it is -as I've known- mostly women who got carried away by such intercourse? Women release oxytocin, a bonding hormone, when they have sex, so in many cases it's hard not to feel at least a little attached. 

So there are 3 paths to go if you want to avoid catching feelings. 

1, you accept the fact that you're a human-being with emotions & a complex process system; so you stop having casual affairs because you know in the end it doesn't worth the post-drama of it.
2, you accept the fact that you care more about your sexuality than the weight of the emotions you don't wanna carry; so you keep on having them tho with the conscious mind that could keep reminding you that those feels are not real, or they are real tho they are not specific. 
3, you accept the fact that you do not care that much about what happens or what does not, whatever happens you just keep distracting yourself with some things else so you don't even find time to think specifically on it and it just goes away. What an ignorant way of thinking, isn't it?