what my last disappointment taught me

Long story short: I am saying forever goodbye to predictions & getting caught in the illusion of age. 

When I was 21 and the person I fell in love with was 27, in our break-up talk he was super logical on the topic about our age difference and saying things like « You have a lot to experience, you will realize that this is not actually what you want » and he was absolutely right. Over time I thanked him more than enough to dump me back then so that I had the life I had and now I am way more close to knowing what I actually want. When you are in your 20’s, life flows really fast: days go by so fast, there are lots of things to do & many places to see & tons of people to meet. You get to experience A LOT. Many many things happen to you, you happen to many many people and in the end you create yourself a life that directs you to the next moment, next day, next month, next year- next age. 

I always tend to underestimate people that are younger than me (bullshit) because obviously I think I have more experience than them (another bullshit). I am likely to show more respect to the people that are older than me (not fair) because I think they have experienced it allllll, the older the wiser (biggest bullshit in the whole wide world). 

I came to a realization that it doesn’t matter if you travel the world, lose 10 people, kill someone, finish 2 degrees or go crazy: what you have done never really matters. What matters is what you got out of it. What it got you, where it got you mentally, what do you feel about it all now. Basically consideration and the act of thinking about it consciously. 

So the Instagram posts of the cities you’ve been, along with your age, is just an illusion. Having 3 serious relationships doesn’t show that you know how to behave well in a relationship or how to be a great girlfriend. Studying music doesn’t mean you’re good at it. Being rich doesn’t mean you know how to earn money. It is all predictions based on one’s past or experiences and it is something that is very hard to actively remember but I hope with practice I will learn not to do it again. 

Here I am, at 3am writing these in the need of getting things out and done in my head; because I made the same mistake again. I thought (maybe desperately hoped) for such person to act in a certain way (sane, reasonable, mature, like a fucking grown up) because WHY NOT? How am I 24, this aware of myself and how can people not be, at the age of 32, 35, 38? Because I think things through, I spend time trying to understand myself, my world around me, my thoughts and emotions and I check in with myself, I observe. How can people not do that and live that long? What have you been doing your whole life? What experience of you is, really real? How do you even consider yourself as YOU if you have no fucking clue about it? 

Dropping the mic… Thank you for listening. Hope to meet in happy stories really soon. <3