lately i’ve been in such an uneven mood that i can’t tell if i’m happy or not. i wanna travel, discover, try some new shit and i don’t wanna think about being trapped inside here. but it’s really hard if you’re stuck and responsible for a couple of exams you gotta take.
yesterday, i had an exam which has the power to change my life in the near future and my prestige in my inner circle. it wasn’t so bad but it wasn’t pretty well either. but i can tell it wasn’t how i expected it to be. wasn’t too difficult for me, but i couldn’t have done it well either way. i’m not gonna be where i wanted to be and i was feeling very depressed about it.
just after the time i got out of the class, run to my friends, i got a phonecall from a friend of mine. and that was it. we ended our friend-kinda-ship in a pretty bad way. there was all cursing, so much “fuck”s going on in the conversation we had, “you dont deserve it”s, “you are nothing but a two-faced humanbeing thats why you dont even worth my time”s, "you're cursed to be on your own in your life"s, it was awful. first time in my life i totally, like really, got someone out of my life FOREVER. yeah, i cared about him and it hurt me to end things like this. but when you are not you, and the person in front of you can’t handle the state of mind you’re in: this disaster is inevitable. who knew it would leave a big, blank space in me? who could guess that i’ll be home alone thinking about how lonely i feel after this little (well, not very little for me) argument? i couldn’t.
but life is how it is, things happen and you can’t realize which moment is important until it becomes a memory. you have it all over again inside your mind but it cant help anything unless you can change something.
i go to the balcony, keep my head up and look at the stars in the beautiful sky as i always do. it gives me relief and i think: life isn’t just about one person or one exam i have. it’s really wrong and saddening that our moods change just by a phonecall or a stupid result of a stupid exam. i should be stronger than this, everyone should be stronger than this. cuz everyone has got the power to move on, to get used to, to try some way new. it’s the human nature. life is bigger than this. life is bigger than our egos, our crushes, our exams. the most important thing is to never forget that.
we may lose everything we think we have but there’s always something to keep the pain away. there’s always something to keep us suffering. it may be a person, or books, music, drinks, worstly drugs.
i look up and the stars remind me of these.
it may has been a quiet long time since the last time i feel truly, purely happy but i’m trying to be content. i’m trying my best to keep it all together. meanwhile people come, people leave, stuff happens, and i look at all as stories i’m gonna use in my successful future. i’m gonna make great songs about them and at that time they will all pay the price for making me feel like shit. that’s how i take my revenge: by being myself, and not letting them to be near me. not opening myself up. and making them realize what they have missed.
