everything is going fine on the outside. i get up and get dressed and go to school, i study and chill around and seem to have fun, then i study more, i don’t even think about something, i laugh, i come home, i study, i shower, i read, i listen to the music, i sleep. the same routine every day.
on the inside, i spend my life cold and annoyed. it’s so not typical of me to say but: i don’t know who i am anymore. i don’t even know what i feel. what i should feel. what i should do. people say hi to me and i don’t how to answer. i don’t trust no one the way i used to. i’m not even sure if i know the people i know. do they really care about me? or am i just an ordinary girl to them? possibilities ruin my life- as they always do. the worst part is: i care about anyone i know. i care about my mom, i care about my cat, i care about the school bus driver i see everyday, the boy sitting behind me in the class, the girl who once helped me to solve a math problem, the teacher who told me i talk too much in the class, my internet friend who’ve taught me really good songs, the girl who ruined my life in the 7th grade. i don’t want them to feel sad and i wanna be there when they need me. for the exchange i just want them to show me some respect. well they dont. this is what i mourn the most. i got so many people around me and it bothers me to feel alone when they’re near me. it sounds confusing and sad as hell but i just don’t know what to do.
i’m tired of feeling “not enough”. not pretty enough, not good enough, not talented enough, not smart enough. my fears get bigger and bigger, day by day and i don’t want to feel miserable anymore. everyone should have a place that makes them happy- and it makes me sick that i got nowhere to go. so i turn to myself again, with no hope and expectation, i try to find peace in me which is really hard. but that’s what i should learn best.
today, i’m in my room, listening to radiohead, writing these.
where are they now when i need them?
maybe i’m just wasting my youth overthinking.
i keep being a baby and talking about how i feel openly, acting this emotional and sensitive, dramatize and romanticize everything, waiting for a sign to move on, hoping someday i can be a star in somebody’s sky. (god bless pearl jam -lol-)
please, i want so badly for the good things to happen.
i feel you, sp.
