Coming from a year of growth, questions, self-centering & figuring out, then demolishing; I feel light starting this year: less depending, less demanding; more aware & welcoming.
Life has become simpler when I discovered every itch I have in my heart comes from two things: it is either when things are not the way I want/planned them to be; or because I doubt something in the situation. I doubt that things will go my way, I doubt myself to be good enough to achieve something, doubt the person in front of me to be good enough to give me what I want, doubt the colleague to be good enough to serve my needs, doubt that the circumstances will turn out in the way that I'd get what I want from the start. Even when I am so sure of myself, one tiny distortion that would give me a sense of doubt and unsecurity in a situation; I know that it has a potential to grow, take over and destroy everything.
Life and exploring myself is a never ending journey that is fluid, on-going, never ending; I am noone to take control. The relationships I have made (not romantically) and the achievements I have gained have led me to a point where, I finally discovered that doubt has no role in the life I'm living. I let it happen instead of trying to figure it out. I give space to myself to feel things I don't make sense, I let that moment happen to me; I finally let life happen to me instead of trying to make it happen.
I have trust that in the end everything happens on behalf of me; not against me. I don't pressure myself, I try to leave myself alone intentionally every time; because I also know how unstable I can be. This has also caused me to no longer be angry at situations and other people, I am experiencing being accepting; While I am a very impatient and controlling person, right now just by being sure of only myself and the steps I take, by allowing everything that happens around me to stay with me at its own pace or to vanish away, I believe that over time I will create the best scenario for myself.
Sometimes I find myself disturbed by a situation that I cannot make sense, and in contrast sometimes I feel very peaceful as if everything is possible in life in a conversation or in the presence of a person. My mind's first reaction is to assign a thing to those feelings to validate them. In order to justify those feelings that I cannot understand, I try to make up a cover for them or ignore them and not dwell on them. I promise myself to stop doing this in 2024.
As long as I am sure of myself, what is good for me and what serves the points I want to achieve about myself; As long as I feel that I am on the right path, every step I take, every emotion I feel, every positive or negative result is valid; and I am happy with life as it is, trying to build it with all my being so that it gets better every day.
I'm happy as long as there are people around me who gets my question marks. I am happy with me being alone, knowing that farewells open the door to new beginnings. I am very happy with me being with someone('s), knowing that my presence and absence lead to different blessings. By keeping my being at ease and my heart open and light; I embrace this year.
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