on being in a cocoon & the will to be a butterfly

We were walking. We were 5. We were headed somewhere where we just lay back and enjoy our company. I was starting to feel a thing inside me which bothers me but not on the surface, I was wondering if it would pass or it would just spread to my whole night. 

It didn't begin right away, it was there before we were headed too. A feeling of hesitation. A feeling of confusion, the confusion between how it used to feel like and now it feels now. There were so much that I would like to share but something in me just kept me in a way that I just couldn't. A feeling of lack of matter, as if it won't matter if I share or not, it won't even make a difference if I was there or not. 

We sat, I was just not feeling in the moment. Something in me was bothering me that, I just don't matter that much anymore, what was happening was just a matter of habit, as if they were just keeping up with me, as if it was just a learnt act that we gather and enjoy time - out of habit & obligation. In the littlest things you notice life and I felt like a number, a plus one which was okay in some ways. When I remembered back how I usually feel in my daily life nowadays it was just way below the level, insecure, worthless, not even concrete but as a gas if it makes sense. It didn't start right away. It was already boiling in me for a month now. 

I wanted to go to the toilet and she kept me company. I didn't need it but you know, it's just the way it is, it's a act better as a duo when you are in a group. We were approaching to this bar nearly closed, I knew they wouldn't let strangers in but somehow I also knew we were going to get in. So we did. At first he didn't wanna let us be in, then he was like, Get in but I didn't see you. And then we were in. I was feeling really out of place, in my mind, somewhere else. It was a feeling of not belonging, a feeling of nostalgia when you haven't actually left yet but you know you are about to so you just soak in the moment but also realizing that now those moments are not the same as it used to be anymore. It just didn't make sense. I turned up my phone and took some notes when I was feeling shocked by the fact that I knew we were gonna be in and we somehow did. Why would it matter to me? Ho would I know that? How would I know that? How would I not feel belong here? 

The signs around me slap in my face as messages nowadays. The theme is to live self-centric. Which I enjoy, I put up a hard work to get myself here. And I am super content with it: with myself, with how I guide my life, with how I communicate with others, how I connect with the people around me. But it is not one sided so it causes troubles some times and I tend to avoid connecting with those who would cause me trouble in the long term, I tend to keep my circle close & tight and I enjoy that. But then something happens, my best friend yells at me for not showing my love enough, all of a sudden I go back to a memory of mine which I felt safe and loved, I feel guilty over a night where I could spend with family instead I went and got drunk with a friend; they collect and collapse on me as a remorse to prove me wrong, to tell me that I am not acting healthy. 

Yesterday I came back to the city I've been living in for the last 6 years, I took a bath and when I was taking a bath I realized a thought. A weird feeling. I thought, it is so weird that, you feel more at home in a place which you made out of nothing, than the house you've grown in. Yet here today, I find myself feeling the exact opposite. What can I do, what can I say? There is a side in me which I cannot tame, I cannot put behind cages and it's started to hunt me whatever I do now. 

We came back, we started to collaborate. I started talking about somewhere I would like to be. Yes, I am sorry, I would much prefer the thrill over this weird connection I was feeling between us which feels - not right. In a way. Then the song started to play. You're on your own, in a world you've grown. I didn't know if it was me feeling too much or the ones around me feeling too little. I dissociated and I felt like I am in an indie movie. Camera turns to me in slow motion, the volume increases, close up to my looks, then it turns to the environment I am in, then to me again, the songs captures you. Is this darkness or the dawn? 

Then we left. The feeling was at its peak. It hadn't started right away. I know it way too good. I've lived with it for years before. All those times I felt there was something wrong with me, in me. But it was not about it. It was not about me being wrong, or them being wrong. It was just because we were on different frequencies in life, enjoying different things,  I care in the other way around. I was just waiting for the moment where I am home by myself digesting all. The feeling you cannot escape, the feeling you just want so badly to escape but once it surrounds you you give in and you act on that. 

I knew, for sure, after that night that it was time for me to get the hell out of this place.

why I fancy people I fancy

Song

There I was, feeling surprised in the morning of how things turned out to be; I had no clue back then that I’d still be thinking of him as days pass by. “How did we get here?” I was thinking, because things did not happen in the sequence that I am accustomed to. You know the generic pattern, you see someone you find them attractive and you wonder about them. This time it was the other way around, we met in a social space where we also met 100 other people, we became friends and shared moments together, gradually one thing let to another and it just turned out to be a kind of… love, for me, I guess. Stupidly, even now when I think of the moments we shared one-to-one I feel like I’m about to cry. It is not that I am sad or sorry, it is because the feeling is so high that it tries to find a way to get out of my body and I feel like crying.

Such a feeling, ha? It is not like I experience it every day. It is funny how you have no idea where & when the spark would shine. Maybe that is the beauty of it. Something we have no control of. Something beautiful & frustrating.

Why do I fancy people that I fancy? It is a question I ask myself from time to time, to have a better understanding of the roots of my behaviors & desires. Obviously the reason I fancy people changes, but I’ve found it interesting enough to share how I feel about it at this time of my life. 

I recognized a repeating act of me when it comes to feel “high” on people, the people which I felt the spark with, I noticed some similarities of those people: 1. We get to to spend 2-3 days together and then they go away. 2. We usually happen to live in different countries / cities. So the common theme is: they last short and they don’t have a chance to grow big. 

Before, I was thinking, obviously it was because we spend so little time together (so we know little about each other and there is a blissful side of short things as we all aware of) but then I proved myself wrong: I don’t feel the spark AFTER we separate. I feel it during. So it is not correct.

Then, I put down the possibility of me making up things that I don’t know about them in a way that would make me want them more, there was times when I was doing that but no, I don’t do that anymore. I just see what people show me and don’t try to guess up the rest or look for something behind their actions. So, this also, goes off the table.

Then I thought, maybe it is a self sabotage I do to myself subconsciously; I LET myself feel the spark because deep down I know it’s not gonna last. That made sense, because I tend to do this: ending things when it is at their best to remember it in that great way. (It works for me to think like that) For a while I was convinced that it was the reason and I went by with it.

But what I realized lately, as I was reading a blog of a British girl talking about happenings in her life, I read something as this: “Think of relationships as sand or water. Every relationship has their own shape, your relationship with your mother is a shape, sisterhood another shape, your relationship with your bestie is a best friend shaped relationship.” What if you just do not pour down the sand in any shape? It just flows and scatters, spills literally everywhere. I realized, I feel the most comfortable in communications that are not defined by any shape, mindset, forcing or geography. That’s the area I am more likely to feel the spark.

With all those people who I felt the spark with and then needed to leave, the spark I felt was not because we got to spend short time together or not about my ambivalent attachments towards them. It was, a bit about something we just can’t explain (call it energy, call it fate) and a little bit because we put no boundaries, lines, promises between us & we just became ourselves as we are, living in that moment as how we felt guided moments, we just bounded, connected, made the best out of it & then had to move on with our lives. We didn’t pour the sand in any shape, so the sand spread, twirling between our bodies, scattered into both of our lives. And it became… us. We became the sand. We carry it around wherever we go now, when we think of each other. 

As a person who would once need reassurance, trust, approval all the time; I now enjoy living in the undefined in such uncertainty. Because I am enjoying myself above all other things. As long as I feel that way, I don’t need the reassurance of tomorrow because I don’t even care. 

So yeah, safe to say that I fancy people that I could freely run in the wild mountains with, that would not limit who I am but to add more to it, that we wouldn’t put our sand in our pockets or limit it with any shape but we spread the sands wherever we are & the world would shine because of the sand we spread together. 

And yeah, I still think of him from time to time as weeks passed by. I put on the song I was so surprised he knew, think of how we danced to it as he sang it. I stupidly feel hot in my cheeks, a weight in my chest. I wish the best for him and keep moving on.