my 2024 resolutions

When people started sharing their 2023 resolutions at the end of the year, I realized I wasn't doing this at all. There is a memory in my mind about a time when I did this, the New Year's Eve that connects 2020 to 2021; we wrote down what we wanted to do that year on a piece of paper, put it in a drawer, and decided to look at it 6 months later. (We didn't do it & they never happened.) I remember writing things like learning French and traveling to somewhere else; considering the time and conditions back then, it doesn't feel like very reasonable goals when I think about it now. I never did this in the following years, it never even occurred to me; I think I haven't wanted anything from life or myself for a long time. The wish I make on my birthdays is always the same: Thank God for everything, I hope I continue to live a healthy life with my loved ones. (Thankfully, it turns out true.)

This year, while I was reading people's 2023 resolutions, I also started to observe myself and question why I didn't do this. The answer was very simple: when I set a goal for myself, I am so afraid of not accomplishing it, of failing, that I allow my dreams and desires to float in the void and vanish away over time. In fact, I take it one step further and assign responsibility to divine timing as if THEY WILL HAPPEN AT THE RIGHT TIME. It is not in my interest to actively take action to achieve my goals. I don't want to get too hard on myself at this point, I have been studying/working very intensively for about 7 years; I don't know if I create this intensity for myself because I can't stay idle, but this year, I started to experience leaving myself alone for a bit. Besides that, I also feel like this year is my year to take action, it's like I've reached the end of my patience and can no longer keep anything in my life that doesn't bring me incredible joy, I have no tolerance for postponing anything, I can't accept broken promises made to me, I can't just sit back on the things I said I would do. I'm moving on, I don't want to promise something I won't take action on. I want to be able to take intentional, logical steps rather than making unplanned, instinctive, emotional decisions. Rather than accepting my habits that have been around for years and not trying to change them, I choose to push myself and experience a different world. That's why I'm overcoming this fear of failure and creating a 2024 resolutions list for myself. Let's go.

To release at least one more song.
Thinking that it would motivate me, I published the songs I had made years ago, bought myself a midi keyboard, changed the strings of my guitar, and at one point I even started a music production course; I don't want any of my efforts, dreams or thoughts to be left unfinished anymore. While singing is the thing that I most feel like me in life, I don't want to postpone it any longer. My current thought is to collaborate with a producer and make a song together, but let's see, I'm open to what life will bring and I'm excited for it.

Djing in at least one event.
As someone who has been listening to sets while working for years, I find this process very enjoyable. I've been vibing to DJs for years, and I want to experience being on the other side of the deck just once. I imagine having a private party with my close friends at our favorite rooftop bar, me playing funky songs to the people I love. Why don't we do any concept parties anymore? We urgently need to bring back this habit.

Traveling to at least 2 countries.
At the moment I think it would be Indonesia or Mexico, and recently the idea of Albania was added to this list. Maybe Thailand? I don't know. But, after rooting until June, I wanna be on the move.

Conducting at least one workshop.
I started this year with the desire to make an impact, I don't know where this idea came from. Before, I never had an urge to give workshops, train people or teach them something, in short, SPREADING THE KNOWLEDGE. But this year, I increasingly feel like leading people and adding value. Big or small, I want to gather people together and allow different minds to exchange with each other.

Accepting being a grown up and making peace with growing old.
I think this will be the hardest resolution of all; But I hope I will achieve this too.

Above all, I want to do more things that make my heart melt this year. I want to experience more of the things like, when I think of it, I just feel a warmth spreading through my heart; like living in Barcelona, spending my days highly productive, connecting with like-minded people, reuniting with the ones I care. I care about sharing, understanding, intention, compassion and connection more this year.

I just need to wake up and start doing things.

doubt is the only thing I don't carry to 2024

Coming from a year of growth, questions, self-centering & figuring out, then demolishing; I feel light starting this year: less depending, less demanding; more aware & welcoming.

Life has become simpler when I discovered every itch I have in my heart comes from two things: it is either when things are not the way I want/planned them to be; or because I doubt something in the situation. I doubt that things will go my way, I doubt myself to be good enough to achieve something, doubt the person in front of me to be good enough to give me what I want, doubt the colleague to be good enough to serve my needs, doubt that the circumstances will turn out in the way that I'd get what I want from the start. Even when I am so sure of myself, one tiny distortion that would give me a sense of doubt and unsecurity in a situation; I know that it has a potential to grow, take over and destroy everything. 

Life and exploring myself is a never ending journey that is fluid, on-going, never ending; I am noone to take control. The relationships I have made (not romantically) and the achievements I have gained have led me to a point where, I finally discovered that doubt has no role in the life I'm living. I let it happen instead of trying to figure it out. I give space to myself to feel things I don't make sense, I let that moment happen to me; I finally let life happen to me instead of trying to make it happen. 

I have trust that in the end everything happens on behalf of me; not against me. I don't pressure myself, I try to leave myself alone intentionally every time; because I also know how unstable I can be. This has also caused me to no longer be angry at situations and other people, I am experiencing being accepting; While I am a very impatient and controlling person, right now just by being sure of only myself and the steps I take, by allowing everything that happens around me to stay with me at its own pace or to vanish away, I believe that over time I will create the best scenario for myself. 

Sometimes I find myself disturbed by a situation that I cannot make sense, and in contrast sometimes I feel very peaceful as if everything is possible in life in a conversation or in the presence of a person. My mind's first reaction is to assign a thing to those feelings to validate them. In order to justify those feelings that I cannot understand, I try to make up a cover for them or ignore them and not dwell on them. I promise myself to stop doing this in 2024.

As long as I am sure of myself, what is good for me and what serves the points I want to achieve about myself; As long as I feel that I am on the right path, every step I take, every emotion I feel, every positive or negative result is valid; and I am happy with life as it is, trying to build it with all my being so that it gets better every day.

I'm happy as long as there are people around me who gets my question marks. I am happy with me being alone, knowing that farewells open the door to new beginnings. I am very happy with me being with someone('s), knowing that my presence and absence lead to different blessings. By keeping my being at ease and my heart open and light; I embrace this year.