on open relationships

A guy approached me the other day, when I was working at this cafe. His opening line was how beautiful my eyes are (lack of creativity), we had a small talk on where I'm from (what a convo starter), then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. (Well, he was good looking and native Spanish speaker; someone I could practice to) He texted me that night and we met after two days. 

The moment we met I knew it wasn't gonna happen, well in the cafe when he approached me I was sitting and couldn't really tell how tall he was; apparently we are the same height, and I cannot do with that. But still, I was there; wouldn't hurt to have a chat and make new friends. We sat at this restaurant and talked about our lives; apparently he was 35, traveling around and all that. In the middle of our conversation, he told me like, 'I just want to be completely honest with you. I am in a relationship for 5 years. Because I started traveling, we turned it into an open relationship. She is back home and here I am, sitting with you. I'd regret it if I didn't come up to you, but I think you should know this.' I thanked him and appreciated his honesty, I friendzoned him the moment I met him already so no worries at all. In the end I found myself giving advices to him on how to make the relationship better (they were also having issues he told me) how to spice things up maybe if he doesn't wanna call it off. We sat for about an hour more and then I goodbyed him home (probably forever because I was not interested at all and I was obvious about it). But it got me thinking. Can we think a little more on open relationships? 

In the majority of the population, relationships are between 2 people as if it's a rule: when I was working for a queer supporting company that gives advices to people about relationships; I was shocked on one revision I got; they told me to not use the phrase 'from the other person' because it refers that relationships are between two people but actually no; it can be between 3 or maybe even more (?). I also found it interesting to think about back then because we are just so programmed of thinking about relationships as monogamic, holy, enchanting experiences. I don't say this in a bad way, but is it the only way? That reminds me of that book I've read, a true story from a comic book writer; he only have sex with prostitutes for years. He find it comforting, safe, story-creating, he even had a serious relationship with one of them, he enjoys it the way it is. That book also changed my perspective on being with sex workers; well I still don't want to try it out but I am less judgmental. Because, there are always other ways to see things; the back of the medallion you know. In the movie of Xavier Dolan, 'Laurence Anyways'; a guy and a woman in a relationship but he wants to be a trans man, the movie is about how she supports him throughout the journey. Which is also very interesting, a very brave movie I recommend. 

Back to the subject. Being born and grown up in Turkey, especially in Turkish or most middle eastern cultures open relationships are not even considered. It is off the table, no matter what. General idea of it is, if you wanna f*ck other people let's break up. And I get that. Again, coming from a Turkish culture, jealousy is a big thing in relationships. I remember when I was head over heels for someone, I would stalk all the girls he follows on Instagram get even jealous when a girl puts her hand on his shoulder at a party or even envy his childhood friends because they got to see his journey as he grows up and become a man. You know, THAT type of possession in a way. So because of that, I guess half of my friends would execute me for what I'm about to say. But that's just what I think for now as a 26 years old woman still working on attachment. 

I think the way most people see open relationships are, in the perspective of a sexual connection and; they don't want to share the people they love the most with anybody else in a sexual way. And I totally get that. For women it's hard because we are very emotional creatures, I remember even to picture my boyfriend with someone else would tear up my eyes back then. For men it is also hard because they take this 'being with someone else' act too linked with their manhood, and they in a way feel less of a man when their girlfriend becomes with another. Which is totally normal, understandable, we are humans and we want things to ourselves. Maybe this is the 'normal' way. But what I think is, what if open relationships are a form of high love? There are some situations where you are married for 10 years and need a thrill or you have to live abroad for 2 years and we can all agree on distance relationships hardly work, in that type of situations what you normally do is breaking up. Makes sense. But maybe there is an other way, which is having an open relationship, which means you love the person so much and trust the connection between you two so much that, you are not even worried someone else can be the case or come between you two. Maybe you do the open relationship thing, to make it work. You have such a transparency, trust and love; you are willing to try it so that you don't lose each other. In a world where people think they 'belong' together it is a very hard concept to understand or even think; but we are not in 1950 anymore. We know that we don't own anyone. We know if something is off, then it's not gonna work because of the passive agressive acts, lies, fights, cheats. Instead of turning things toxic, why not be open and honest about it and TALK and TRY something out? Maybe open relationship owners know how to love unconditionally no matter what without putting the other person in a cage; freeing them and supporting them. Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'the other person', I keep forgetting that

I care about privacy, intimacy, specialty and all that but what I care about the most is the honesty and the connection so maybe, if we should, thinking things through and trying things out is not the worst thing in the world. Complicated, hurtful, challenging, but not the worst... So I shouldn't have freaked out when the guy told me about it. I shouldn't have said NEVER when my first boyfriend hypothetically asked if I would be ok with it. You know what they say, never say never. One does not die without experiencing the very thing they once criticized. Let's think things through without making it about us. 

three shorties about sexual act

i fucking disappeared in my dream

One day, I woke up feeling traumatised and I got off the bed immediately to go to the office as earlier as I can. On my way to the office, I started remembering my dream. I was like a lecturer, giving speech about how women are not allowed to talk about sex as freely as men, cultural taboos towards it, how hard it is for us women to share what we think about any kind of sexual activity, how we suppress our feelings or just give an effort to not share any details of that part of our lives & how fucked up it is. Then, some earthquake happened, I remember everything falling apart in a way in a disaster or something, and I die. My dreaming mind and my conscious mind after waking up interpreted it this way: we are so repressed to talk about it that I was punished and died when I talked a little too much about it, even in a dream. Is that such a bad thing? Is that such a shameful, secret, private, sacred thing? How can something that you can shamelessly show and experience to a person you just met without any embarrassment makes you feel so bad, uncomfortable and out of the norm when you talk about it? There is something very vile, hypocritical, and unfair here. When it comes to showing our opinions openly and honestly on everything else, why do we all turn into ignorant apes when it comes to sex, as if that wasn't what sustains humanity and the reason that we all are here? I didn't see it, I didn't hear it, I don't know. I can't talk, I can't share; I cannot expose myself: but I also expect, I wish, I hope, I judge others on the subject. What kind of lack of character in this? And so I decided to be as open, transparent, and honest as possible about it, both to myself and to the world around me. 

do we want to make a terrible decision?

As I could still feel the presence of him in my thighs, I was having little flashbacks of 30 minutes ago where the world seemed natural, in the flow and I being in the moment. Maybe listening to your guts and not thinking it through is the way to work things out sometimes, it was too soon to tell. As I inhaled sitting at the back seat of the taxi I checked in only to find out the lightness of the feeling which comes when you feel when you did something just at the right time, at the right place, at the right day & with the right person. A safe, healthy trade where everything’s on the table and nothing there to guess. A mutual, happy transaction. I wonder how it will attract the rest. 

casual ones, gambling times

Once I met with one of my girls on an event we were attending to, she brought in a date with her. First date, he met with her close circle, she seemed joyful about it. He was super confident, we bounded super quickly & in a short time, with the help of some wine I was just telling her in front of him that, "I would like to see this guy again". 

Then I left off somewhere, the next day I met with her at mine for her to spill some tea. She seemed super intense about him. How their night went absolutely amazing, the way he treated her at bar & when they were behind closed doors. Everything seemed almost magical to be true, we both were so sure that there would be a definite second date, maybe a possible love-disaster, something strong, something that would last more than an hour; something that made her feel in a way. That made her heart beat. 

We were talking about all those possible scenarios, asking hypothetical questions; what if's & but if's. Tho it was pretty soon to talk about such topics, (cuz it's only been a date, right? Even if it felt great.) we were just going out and about every little detail - as we pretty much always do. 

Then what happened? He did not call again. For weeks, no clue about him. 

I couldn't help but think; what was it about sex that makes it right and done for men but makes it the opposite - the start, the beginning & the excite for women? 

I took a second to filter back through my life of wonder, I kinda have the opposite back behavior after something happens. I would have bestowed this event on that day, and with the thought of "it happened and it's over", I leave it on that day in order to remember the beautiful thing well, and try to continue my life as if it never happened, until the point I see a move from the person. 

Tho I am familiar with the feels of attachment, safety, a kind of peace that comes when you get intimate with a person that you don't know well enough. It's like, with the attraction that comes on pre-party; when felt good, you start to perceive reality in a way that almost everything you've done in life brought you to that point to that magical moment of primitivity; you start to seek a meaning in such basic acts. 

How come tho? How come, it is -as I've known- mostly women who got carried away by such intercourse? Women release oxytocin, a bonding hormone, when they have sex, so in many cases it's hard not to feel at least a little attached. 

So there are 3 paths to go if you want to avoid catching feelings. 

1, you accept the fact that you're a human-being with emotions & a complex process system; so you stop having casual affairs because you know in the end it doesn't worth the post-drama of it.
2, you accept the fact that you care more about your sexuality than the weight of the emotions you don't wanna carry; so you keep on having them tho with the conscious mind that could keep reminding you that those feels are not real, or they are real tho they are not specific. 
3, you accept the fact that you do not care that much about what happens or what does not, whatever happens you just keep distracting yourself with some things else so you don't even find time to think specifically on it and it just goes away. What an ignorant way of thinking, isn't it?

life is so stupid I love it

Theme of lately

Life is so precious and so unpredictable and so alive and so changeable that I can't stop but be amazed by it every fucking second of every fucking day.

Here you are, at the age of 24, thinking that you'd seen it all, you walked past and back the spectrum of emotions, reached every note, now it is only going to be a repetitive cycle of the same notes - maybe higher, or lower, but the same feels that you once knew. All done. You got it all figured out. You've seen it all. What else could be there?

Then BAM. Life happens. And you are shocked, once again, with the same excitement and same cute little fears once again, but in a slightly different way; more mature, more sane & in a much more joyful way, each time. 

Funny how everything we do, think, doubt for is nothing but the reflections of who we really are, what we are made of.

Change = (Awarenes x Will) + Strength to do so. 

Comfort zone is not only where you feel safe but it is also the feeling of not letting go because you invested so much in it, you can't take the feel of all going in vain so you stick to the thing that does not serve you, that's your comfort zone. Being a risk taker is not only doing stuff on the edge, bungee jumping; it is also the act of letting go of the thing you want so fucking much but also aware of the fact that it's not for you, that's your bungee jumping but you crash every day until you no longer fear to crash, then you fly & be free. 

I feel like I've dived into my comfort zone and surfed from one hill to another until I realize the theme behind the gap of how I define myself and how I wasn't able to act accordingly. It took me a while, oh more than I thought, days spent under the judgement of "Seriously? Still?", to really get over the last two years: to forgive everything that happened to me and everything that I caused. I kept myself so busy that I consciously give myself no room to think about it all more than I should have, as a success-addicted person it felt so good. It actually helped me decrease my obsession with being too good. I literally had no time to spent in vain so it also held me down from silly acts, not silly but the acts I would tend to do when I feel a certain way- The more I spent time with friends & family, the more I started to get back to myself.

I remember thinking exactly a year ago, like what happened to me? "What happened to the little girl with so much confidence, joy, so decisive, tough? At what point have I changed and become so unsure of myself that it led me to where I am now?" Almost all of my childhood memories are related to me being super reckless, natural, curious but critical, confident. Like when I was 5 years old yelling at someone who was respected and feared by everyone in the family, because he was mean to my aunt. Or how I wanted to be a neurosurgeon just because "it's very difficult and very few people were able to do it". How I was able to stand up for my own ideas and express myself ridiculously well. 

Then BAM. Life happened and I literally built myself a life depending on approval, on how other's feel about me, everyone liking me, being the good girl without any mistakes. It felt natural, coming from a super compassionate, warm-hearted mother; but I also ended up with a burnout after facing with a couple of big failures; I hated losing. Losing my dignity, losing someone I love, losing a game; the concept of losing was a direct attack of my self image that supports the belief of me being not worthy. Supporting 17-years-old me, nihilist Albert Camus fan, "Nothing really matters and we are all just a stardust in a big galaxy on a planet that worths nothing" type of shit. 

With lots of nights thinking about everything, lots of books on psychology, lots of yoga, meditation, enlightenment, practices of mindfulness, long deep talks with friends & a lot of help from them; I feel so happy to see myself, outgrown all the misery related to my genes, traumas of me- ones happened to me & ones I caused myself go through, stupid beliefs and all that. I realized I am the only person who judges me the most, so harsh - nobody even cares that much. How I act is not always associated with who I am. 

I stopped being a stupid dreamer who romanticised every little thing, defining how I feel with miserable song lyrics, being too nice to not hurt people's feelings, getting caught up with my inner voice panicking in an uncertainty and courages me to avoid everything and go to bed; taking life, people, myself and situations so seriously. I have learnt not to trust my emotions, not to trust my thoughts; but my instincts- but thank god I can also avoid them. Learnt how to just watch and observe without acting. I have learnt how to love myself. I have been to hell & back, fallen, crashed; but now I am finally free.

I became that little girl again - but make it more adultish. 

God knows what this year holds but I am ready to embrace, enjoy & love again.

Tho it's relieving to think that you're nothing but a stardust, you are everything to yourself. Nihilism is for losers (sorry Camus). You owe yourself to give what you deserve, which is whatever the fuck you want to have & achieve in this world. 

Thank you for listening to my tedtalk and have a nice day

parting: partying without Y

Art by Kate Dehler

Here I am, sitting in my white cube room, drinking green tea from my pink cup - a mental relief to detox my alcohol-filled body for the past week. My brain is turning switches from how i'm gonna do me from that point, to how i can't do me in certain ways anymore. 

I strongly believe life always pays off what you want from it. I strongly believe we get what we wanted from the start and we direct life with what we believe in. 

Once, during a birthday raki party with someone I dated, we started talking about our past relationships. He told me this story about this girl that he once fell for, the one that lasted for years, the one which he went to Mexico after her to chase her and make it up to her; but he couldn't because they kept fighting over there too and so he left. He left her as he left Mexico.

When he was telling me this story, I remember thinking, "I want something like that. I want that big, 'I can't live without you' type of love, the one which you can't escape, with all the yelling and fighting followed by making hate-love, I'd want somebody to follow me to even another country to make it up, wow, they must have been so in love!" 

And I got it. I didn't intentionally turn my relationship into that, but seeing from afar now, I indeed got it. I felt every part of it in every cell of mine, I loved and fought and cried and burned and healed and now I have it. I have that type of story to tell in my 197. date when I am 28, or maybe I'll just keep it to myself as a sacred phase of my life. 

"Now what? Do I have to fuck everybody?" "It's not about fucking everybody, it's about not fucking that one body. And you'll be fine."

From my one-two years of adulthood experience, everybody has a different opinion about how things should go when it comes to romance. There is no one way to be in a secure relationship, there is not an "ideal one". But I'd really want my partner to be able to say "I accept her the way she is and I love her despite everything." It doesn't mean I'm "perfect" or every act I do fits him or every thought of me he likes, but it means that the amount of disagreements is so little or so tolerable that it doesn't hold vital values, so I do wanna keep going with her. 

I think the worst thing that can happen is when your insecurities are cynically targeted at you; that's not gonna help for improvement. You can't expect a person to understand you at all if they're not paying attention to what you're saying because they're so focused on how you say it. A person won't hear you if you don't communicate with them the way they're used to. A person won't change just because you want to, change begins with will not force. A person who doesn't understand you won't ever change for you. If a person don't stop and put his/her life aside for a second, from a God point of view, wonder and care about your needs, that person will never fulfill them, at all. There is no change in that. They might think they will pay attention more, but as life continues it is nothing but an empty promise to keep you going. Then you're back with your favorite cycle: Am I an insatiable motherfucker or is he/she not there for me, really? The doubt is back, so does confusion, the needs unmet, so do you both. 

You also can't expect a person to forgive you when you intentionally hurt them, when you say bad or do bad towards them out of hurt, rage or no matter what- You can't expect a person to hold his/her promise to be always there for you if you push them away in every little situation that triggers the fears you hold about yourself. There is no forgiveness to that. They may think they have forgiven, but in the first seconds of a similar experience the pain is back, so does the blame, so does the distance, so does the separation. 

You can't build a relationship when you don't regret what you did that caused pain.

"Okay, they're bad for us. But why do you think we still insist on being with them? Why is it so hard to let go?" "Because it's like losing your favorite toy. Do you stop playing if your favorite toy starts to hurt your hands? No. You keep playing despite the hurt. It is worth it. Or even if you don't, you just put it on the shelf. You don't give it away to your neighbor's kid to play. It's yours. You can't give it away." Okay dude, you got a point there but let's face facts: this is not a playground and they mean much more complicated feelings to us than a toy. I wish I could put people on shelves and when my hands are better I could keep playing with them again and again. To make that happen either I need to go numb on the pain or the toy needs to decide not to hurt me anymore. But toys can't change. And my pain tolerance is not that high...

The way I see it is more like Brida, the book of Paulo Coelho. There's this beautiful flower in the garden which you really enjoy, but you need to stop it there from preventing it to die, and learn how to love it from afar. It is too precious to rip off. Go, for its own sake. Just leave.

The first cut is the deepest, indeed. The first illusion will probably be the hardest to accept and pass over. It will probably take lots of espresso martinis and husky voices. There will be habits to abandon, habits you can't ever get over, funny stories left untold, memories clinging in the first letters of a place, soon-to-be-forgotten emotions pacing up and down in your brain, traces of that smell in your pillow. 

But introversion, self growth, optimism and friends will save all of us's asses.