it was one of those nights: those warm, semi-comfy nights that she remembered a memory which was buried inside her mind. it was buried so deeply that, it came like a very close water drop to the eye, blurry at first and it got clear as she blinked her eyes. "feels like another life" she thought. as she was thinking about it, the outlines became the shapes that form the scene. still not clear enough, but enough to talk about.
years and years ago, an autumn day in the city center. drinks ordered, hands tied, a quirky atmosphere. chit-chats about daily life while getting closer to the main point. they met to talk about the affair they had that day: that summer morning. a morning that must have been full of regrets but tho she felt nothing. the betrayal looked so innocent back then, although still. even now when she thinks about it, she doesn't regret it. why did she do such a thing? does it even matter, after all those years?
so they finally got to the point, that was when the lies became. he insisted he loved her, tho it meant nothing. neither to him, neither to her: they both were aware of it. but still, she looked like she believed and feeling sorry for him. "i can't do it, that was a one night thing. i did enjoy it, but i can't keep on doing it," she tried to convince him. but he used all his tricks to get her in his way, he really thought he had a chance. she was deeply feeling sorry for him but not because of leaving him: because of seeing him begging her like this, pathetically, despairingly. she didn't regret the night but definitely regretted coming. she immediately got on the way as she waved goodbye.
she was going to her lover. as her way home, she tried to forget the whole thing. she tried to forget everything, she did indeed. it wasn't because of her being so cold blooded or unfair: it was just because it meant nothing and it was not difficult for her to pretend that something does not even exist if something means nothing.
she got back home and saluted everyone. her lover made a dinner and asked his friends to come over. by the time she was home, the guests were leaving and only one of his friends stayed a little more. the three of them talked all night long and she forgot the whole thing as the night ended. she doesn't even remember the morning after.
that was the last time she saw his guests and her betrayal collaborator.
now this vanishing memory came to her mind. do you know why?
a strange thing happened to her today.
as she was wandering around, she saw a familiar face in the crowd. she knew she had met him, but not quite sure how. so she started to track him, going after him as he was walking down the street. as she was coming behind, she started to remember who he is. what he does, what he likes, what he is like, how they saw and saluted each other the past year when they were too drunk. as he sat in a cafe having coffee, she kept observing with pure attention while spying on him on the next table. as she gathered more and more about him, the more she felt attracted to him. she wanted to go and talk with him: a small chat about what's changed through time and how they're doing right now. but would it mean anything? to her, definitely: but to him? how would she begin? what would she say? how could she break the image of her that's left to him years ago out of one night? would it be too awkward, or would it be kind of romantic in the long term?
so she couldn't do it. she left and chose to do nothing about it- yet.
the remembered that old memory while thinking of him. and this remembrance made everything even freaky.
that was the guest that stayed up late that night with them.
she imagined what could have been? what has she missed?
"i fall in love too easily, i fall in love too fast, i fall in love too terribly hard for love to ever last," she hummed. it wasn't because of the lack of her soul, but the need to prove that what she had in the past was not enough and she needed something so much more. for so long, for every time she feels, for everything that's been done.
