there she was, talking about all people i will never ever see again, talk again, and i was pretending to give damn about them. all i could think was how breaking up with someone is actually breaking up with anyone that is related to them including them. all the people i really liked and would love to see again, the pets, the great dinners to be gossipped about later in bed one to one, people i had to bear. i wonder if he gave a shit about it too. probably he didn't even give it a thought.
i've been relating so much to curves and death lately, the theme of lately. flows and void. unsteadiness and emptiness. being and vanishing.
life is all about dilemmas, or at least my thoughts: how fool we are to think we act by our free will while the truth is we only act as a combination of our parents. how blind we are to see we don't guide love (the romantic one we have), it (the one we saw growing up) guides us to choose who to love, how to act, how to receive and give love.
i miss the way he used to regulate me when i was feeling down and now i notice how stupid i was thinking it was his 'duty' (and also mine when we switch sides). i miss the way he kissed me asleep even when he was turning around. the way he called me princess, just like my dad, how i felt like a child around him (and usually act like one). the way he looked at me in the crowd when he finds something funny to laugh together leaning forward. (i wonder if he ever noticed this kind of little things about me. probably not. he's never been this detail oriented. he's the guy who shows interest to the bigger picture instead of getting into it.)
but i still feel strongly how bad i felt around him. how bad i felt on his birthday celebration on the table with his friends, seeing his best friend and his girlfriend sitting across to us and how his friend always cared for her during dinner, checking on her kissing her etc. and how he didn't even wanna get a picture with me 'because he is not into taking photos'. how he couldn't think of any little tiny thing to do on tough situations. how he just didn't think of me while doing something, in general, how it would affect me or how it would make me feel. how he always avoided taking responsibility for anything that even when breaking up he put the blame on me for feeling worthless against his actions. (i don't seek approval or support or attention from ANYONE to feel worthy. i only needed it from him because he was my boyfriend, how is that weird?) how hard i tried to make him understand what i need from a relationship and how well he ignored them, oh he ignored them soooo well. how i felt so unsupported, but the most hurting part was to feel unheard. i felt so unheard.
i also notice how crazy i've become in both thought and in action, how i got triggered even only with my own thoughts. how manipulative i became to receive the kind of love i need that i fucked it all up. how he brought that side out of me that i never knew existed, the destructive irreverent aggresive side. how wrong i was to expect him to notice what hurt me without giving him a clue (i really feel like an idiot about it now.) a thousand times i intentionally hurt him just to make him understand how he got me feel. (again, what am i a kid?) how i felt bad about the situations that had absolutely nothing to do with me, but somehow managed to hurt me. (later i was accused to be a drama queen because of that) how codependent i became just in fear of losing what i got (that got me losing it for good, also made me seem needy as fuck), how i just gave up on so much things for him without his notice that i freaked out when he didn't do %10 of what i expected (i learnt putting myself first no matter what, in the hard way)
to sum up i watched a beautiful precious thing turning into a fucked up hell in the hands of two amateurs that didn't know how to take good care of it or even handle it.
without getting out of the toxic thing, you can't really see how deeply you got into this shit. how it actually takes away your soul, your brain, even your bed; how it takes all over you.
the reason was just while i was mentally mature & emotionally unmature; he was emotionally very mature but mentally not. the war of both worlds could be that simply put.
i'd definitely want a relationship which we'd be connected on a deeper level, it seems so shallow now thinking about it. couldn't force it.
my brain automatically thinks about telling him when something happens for a second, or dreams about going that place together when i see some place new, thinks like "oh they will get along so well" when my aunt makes a joke that i think he'd laugh, dreams about watching the game together with him & my dad commenting to each other about the players, dreams dreams thinks thinks dreams thinks...
but it is also a great feeling to not have some thought hanging in the background of my mind wherever i go, whatever i do. to enjoy every moment instead of not being in the moment worrying about he's doing / might do. (this wasn't a trustful relationship from the very beginning and i'm sorry but we both couldn't manage to fix that ever.) it is a great feeling to not wait for a text or a call that actually never came when needed.
i accept i am a hard person sometimes, i have issues to work on (who doesn't?), i'm not totally woke about the sources of some of my behaviors (who actually is?) but i am not hard to please. i am not hard to be around. i offer more than i take away. i am so happy just being in my own skin, dealing with my own shit by myself, being on my own. what a pathetic position i had put myself in thinking that i needed him, needed anyone, for anything.
at first it was all bad days, then it was two good days one bad day, then it was good days and occasionally a bad day, now it's all good but i wonder when it's totally gonna end tho. i'm actually grieving, and if i'm grieving it never ends right? you just get used to it. but what if i just really wanna end it? i wanna at least be able to keep my eyes dry when thinking about some situations we had, have a day without a thing that's related crossing my mind, not feel like a giant very fat elephant sit on my heart when i think of him with someone else, not guess what he's doing according to the hours of the day, not see his name in every market name, not remember him as often as i do.
am i being over dramatic to think about it in this way or is it just the way? will i be miserable still thinking about it in 5 years or will i keep doing better and better every day? will it take a good turn or will it just vanish away? was it a love that never meant to last or was it us that blew it away? was it the love that meant to last and i fucked it up and now it's gonna be the love i'll remember for the rest of my life every day?
what doesn't satisfy me can certainly makes me bluer but never regretful.
happy it happened the way it happened, happy it ended the way it did.
thankful for every bit.
