Today I dealt with a lot of past emotions that I cannot describe or labelize, I felt dissociated with my body and couldn't determine what I needed, what I wanted, what I should do or shouldn't. An exhaustion of little bit of everything: tiresome walks, lack of food, a bit hangover, traveling in time in my mind. I was surprised to see myself in that hole of confusion again after a long time. I knew exactly what triggered it and it made me question my whole progress during these months. But I know healing is not linear & your mind believes whatever you are feeding it with. 

Today I thought about the thin line between the way I see myself and the way I am seen. What is it in my mind that makes it so important for me, the way I am seen? By a person. Why everytime do I find myself identifying myself through that eyes? What is it about them that is so special, important or unique that I just can't get over? 

Maybe unconsciously I think it is too precious to let go but there is no other way than doing it. Part of me is afraid, part of me is angry, part of me is ruthless, the other part holds a bit of love. 

Today I felt like a desperate child that sees no point in sustaining. An old feeling that I know. I resisted it to take over me but eventually gave up trying. I accepted it and now even honoring it by these words. 

God, please make me so so happy in a fucking completely different way that one day I would understand today's hurt was worth it.