carpe diem, yeah, like, okay, live in the moment. you're not living in the past or you don't know what the future holds. you belong to this moment and live it however you want. i get it. but it doesn't mean shit when you realize it's been 4 months and there's nothing that counts, the only that you have is your empty hands when you go to bed.
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here's a funny irony: everything gets clearer when you draw away, get out of the situation you're in and look at it from the farthest point. imagine you're watching a movie and know both sides of the story: it's just like it. just once in a while, try to get out of your body and look at yourself from there. is it who you really want to be? is it where you want to be at this age of your life? are you getting closer to the person you want to be or are you so far from it that you don't even remember your dreamself?
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sometimes i imagine myself as a foreign when i travel. it doesn't matter where i am, i can be on the metrobus or the ferry; i forget that i know the route and try to look at the buildings and views as if i see them for the first time. and they look more beautiful to me. seeing something every day makes you get used to it and i hate getting used to something.
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it's like i've got this love in me that won't be still. love for everything, in general. i fall in love everyday with something new. with songs, with pictures, with writings, with sketches, with people, with buildings, with tastes, even with feelings; i'm always so enthusiastic about the things i love and there are plenty of things i'm in love with actually. that makes me pretty emotional inside and i hate it. i hate getting negative feedbacks about anything because i probably loved something about it back then. that's sick, that's insane, i think it's psychologically not healthy but i can't make it the other way round.
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lately the same things happen to me when it comes to affairs, it goes like this:
i meet someone, we start to talk and get to know each other, i usually don't adore them but they literally adore me, they tell me all the pretty things they say, they always find me smart and clever, they make me feel good about myself, so i get to know them too (and they usually become thoughtful and have good taste in music lol), sometimes i introduce them to my friends, and then suddenly THEY'RE GONE. like, literally, all of a sudden, they are out of my life. in a second.
just like a slap on my face. before i figure out what's happening, they're gone. why? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO SOMEONE?
it's getting nauseous and i'm turning into a misanthropic, grumpy woman.
