For more than a year now, I have been so busy focusing on myself: connecting with my true self, creating a life that feels like me, doing things that reflect me, getting myself a job that is in my own terms, finishing my Masters degree, figuring out my up's and down's and how to handle it all etc... Which thankfully led me to this point of where I am finally sure of myself - maybe a bit too much.
While dealing with all these technical sides of getting things done, I saw my need for other people vanishing away to a degree of which I don't even take people seriously anymore. When I have my family and friends besides me, I don't need a third party. I cannot think of having another one in my life that fills my thoughts, my nights, my free time - I feel like I would always have better things to do and think of.
It's been like this for a certain time now. I don't like CARE CARE about anybody, I tend to approach them for only physical reasons. I just wanna feed my need for attention, and obviously other needs of mine, and that's all. I don't even have a type anymore - because I don't believe in such thing. I believe in the timing, the match of needs and the separation. It is the realistic point of view which was super beneficial for me.
Obviously I enjoyed it. I love being on my own, staying with myself. I hate the question 'You are such a pretty girl, why are you alone?' It's not like something is wrong with me, I PREFER it to be this way. I almost always felt like other people tend to be more shallow than me so I wouldn't be able to hold a joyful conversation with them so why would I even try. I remember thinking to myself after an incident, 'Why do I care so much about men being intelligent before interacting with them? In the end what I want is certain, and for that I don't even need them to be intelligent, I don't see it ahead. Men doesn't even worth it anyways most of the time, so why would I even turn off myself because of that?' Yes, I am that low expectation oriented towards men. And it was not even from a cocky point of view, I was just not limiting myself as I used to be. Because I used to tend to turn off by literally the smallest things. But I have been going with the flow and I have been experimenting - I really see it all as experiments because when feelings are not involved, it is just you testing things out with different ingredients and backgrounds and seeing the result (or usually getting bored before seeing the result and then THAT is the result.) I was so happy that I, now, am a woman who is rarely affected by what is going on around and always finds her way back to being the center of her life. So happy to not link my happiness over a man or a text message, so happy to be able to read people before interacting with them, to influence my girls to be the same. For twice or three times, I have been announced by some men to be 'the free, independent, libertarian friend of girls' when they heard my advices to my friends. (What an honor for me!!!) I was just speaking my own truth and trying to encourage them to leave their toxic relationship. I enjoyed it tho, being seen as this strong ass woman, switching from being Carrie to Samantha (from SATC) which sometimes even scared people off from approaching to me! I think it was the point where it got a bit out of hands.
I started to overreact on the inside when I hear a friend of mine talking about some boy that she just met, as if it was the love of her life, after the first date. I judged her: how could she feel this way? I even pitied her, how was she 29 and still liking people over a NEED? Because that was my inference, if you like someone this much right away you are nothing but a pathetic loser who just needs to be loved. My inner voice was so cruel on unconditionally, stupidly falling for someone: it was just none sense and childish and sad.
I was walking down the streets on one of my rainy days, I saw a text message of some guy I've seen once or twice, offering a meeting to make me feel better. I texted back, saying that I am on my period. And he was like, 'It doesnt have to be the only reason that we meet?' There it hit me that, while I was looking down on people thinking they are superficial and I cannot connect with them emotionally; I became one of those superficial people by looking at them only for the obvious reasons. The whole time I was so sure that they see me the same way I was seeing them, it never occured to me that maybe they would want something more. It was also a rebellious side of me showing the world that women also are able to not care and ditch you off and use you and not call you back and so on. Because we are. We are not DEFAULTLY emotional or caring or vulnerable. We CHOOSE to be that way - and when we choose the other way, me happens. Anyways, when I started thinking about why - why I enjoy being single this much or why I freak out when I even think about catching feelings. The reason was super obvious. I am so fucking scared and I don't even know why. The fear of getting hurt doesn't make sense at all. The fear of going through something that there is not even a possibility to go through it is just PHENOMENONALLY HILAROUS. I don't know how to deal with or overcome this one. I don't even know if I can or if I should. When I think back of the times where I was going through the hardest break-up of my life, I was so positive on me never loving anyone again and situation shows I am still true to my word - not consciously. I hate to admit it but I guess I have turned myself into one egocentric superficial emotion-less carefree son of a bitch.
While I enjoy being that, especially towards men where it is usually the other way around, I guess I've reached my saturation point. Because even tho it is super good and healthy to feed my ego, I think it's fed enough now and I don't want it to get fat. It is in good shape now and let's just keep it that way. (Blame my gin tonic for this sense of humor) Fuck that TV show, I started watching Normal People about a week ago. It reminded me how it feels like to be in a relationship. You know that little moves when you sleep together the positions you grow over time, the vulnerable moments shared together, tough times handled together, the care and love for each other and the ways to show it... Sadly, it was the last trigger of mine to kinda get away from that carefree side of me which I was building up for a year now.
I think I really got what I needed. The experiences, the thrill, all the things I wanted for them to happen and all others which I wouldn't even imagine but happened to me; I am grateful for all. I am 25 in a month and 24 has been an extraordinary, amazing journey. But I guess what I need is slowly shifting as I am getting closer to my new age. (It's not that I care that much about ages but it just makes sense to me somehow now) I don't wanna feel sexy as a priority, I wanna feel cozy. I don't want desire as the first thing, I want connection and care. (But fuck its also important. I guess I want it all:( ) I don't wanna judge people by their looks, because I am (always been) aware that it's just flesh and bones. I am still very hesitated over catching feelings but realizing the source of why I was SO OBVIOUSLY avoiding them gave me relief and made me feel more open towards changing and solving that fearful side of me. And I never wanna use this fear as an excuse for anyone, towards anyone for any kind of my behaviors because I know how painful it could be. It is time for me to delete all the useless contact cards on my phone so I don't booty call, to say no to some of my friends so I don't get super wasted, to write more, to stay in my room more, to keep loving myself and honoring my loved ones and just live in indefinite peace.
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