We were walking. We were 5. We were headed somewhere where we just lay back and enjoy our company. I was starting to feel a thing inside me which bothers me but not on the surface, I was wondering if it would pass or it would just spread to my whole night.
It didn't begin right away, it was there before we were headed too. A feeling of hesitation. A feeling of confusion, the confusion between how it used to feel like and now it feels now. There were so much that I would like to share but something in me just kept me in a way that I just couldn't. A feeling of lack of matter, as if it won't matter if I share or not, it won't even make a difference if I was there or not.
We sat, I was just not feeling in the moment. Something in me was bothering me that, I just don't matter that much anymore, what was happening was just a matter of habit, as if they were just keeping up with me, as if it was just a learnt act that we gather and enjoy time - out of habit & obligation. In the littlest things you notice life and I felt like a number, a plus one which was okay in some ways. When I remembered back how I usually feel in my daily life nowadays it was just way below the level, insecure, worthless, not even concrete but as a gas if it makes sense. It didn't start right away. It was already boiling in me for a month now.
I wanted to go to the toilet and she kept me company. I didn't need it but you know, it's just the way it is, it's a act better as a duo when you are in a group. We were approaching to this bar nearly closed, I knew they wouldn't let strangers in but somehow I also knew we were going to get in. So we did. At first he didn't wanna let us be in, then he was like, Get in but I didn't see you. And then we were in. I was feeling really out of place, in my mind, somewhere else. It was a feeling of not belonging, a feeling of nostalgia when you haven't actually left yet but you know you are about to so you just soak in the moment but also realizing that now those moments are not the same as it used to be anymore. It just didn't make sense. I turned up my phone and took some notes when I was feeling shocked by the fact that I knew we were gonna be in and we somehow did. Why would it matter to me? Ho would I know that? How would I know that? How would I not feel belong here?
The signs around me slap in my face as messages nowadays. The theme is to live self-centric. Which I enjoy, I put up a hard work to get myself here. And I am super content with it: with myself, with how I guide my life, with how I communicate with others, how I connect with the people around me. But it is not one sided so it causes troubles some times and I tend to avoid connecting with those who would cause me trouble in the long term, I tend to keep my circle close & tight and I enjoy that. But then something happens, my best friend yells at me for not showing my love enough, all of a sudden I go back to a memory of mine which I felt safe and loved, I feel guilty over a night where I could spend with family instead I went and got drunk with a friend; they collect and collapse on me as a remorse to prove me wrong, to tell me that I am not acting healthy.
Yesterday I came back to the city I've been living in for the last 6 years, I took a bath and when I was taking a bath I realized a thought. A weird feeling. I thought, it is so weird that, you feel more at home in a place which you made out of nothing, than the house you've grown in. Yet here today, I find myself feeling the exact opposite. What can I do, what can I say? There is a side in me which I cannot tame, I cannot put behind cages and it's started to hunt me whatever I do now.
We came back, we started to collaborate. I started talking about somewhere I would like to be. Yes, I am sorry, I would much prefer the thrill over this weird connection I was feeling between us which feels - not right. In a way. Then the song started to play. You're on your own, in a world you've grown. I didn't know if it was me feeling too much or the ones around me feeling too little. I dissociated and I felt like I am in an indie movie. Camera turns to me in slow motion, the volume increases, close up to my looks, then it turns to the environment I am in, then to me again, the songs captures you. Is this darkness or the dawn?
Then we left. The feeling was at its peak. It hadn't started right away. I know it way too good. I've lived with it for years before. All those times I felt there was something wrong with me, in me. But it was not about it. It was not about me being wrong, or them being wrong. It was just because we were on different frequencies in life, enjoying different things, I care in the other way around. I was just waiting for the moment where I am home by myself digesting all. The feeling you cannot escape, the feeling you just want so badly to escape but once it surrounds you you give in and you act on that.
I knew, for sure, after that night that it was time for me to get the hell out of this place.
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