There I was, feeling surprised in the morning of how things turned out to be; I had no clue back then that I’d still be thinking of him as days pass by. “How did we get here?” I was thinking, because things did not happen in the sequence that I am accustomed to. You know the generic pattern, you see someone you find them attractive and you wonder about them. This time it was the other way around, we met in a social space where we also met 100 other people, we became friends and shared moments together, gradually one thing let to another and it just turned out to be a kind of… love, for me, I guess. Stupidly, even now when I think of the moments we shared one-to-one I feel like I’m about to cry. It is not that I am sad or sorry, it is because the feeling is so high that it tries to find a way to get out of my body and I feel like crying.
Such a feeling, ha? It is not like I experience it every day. It is funny how you have no idea where & when the spark would shine. Maybe that is the beauty of it. Something we have no control of. Something beautiful & frustrating.
Why do I fancy people that I fancy? It is a question I ask myself from time to time, to have a better understanding of the roots of my behaviors & desires. Obviously the reason I fancy people changes, but I’ve found it interesting enough to share how I feel about it at this time of my life.
I recognized a repeating act of me when it comes to feel “high” on people, the people which I felt the spark with, I noticed some similarities of those people: 1. We get to to spend 2-3 days together and then they go away. 2. We usually happen to live in different countries / cities. So the common theme is: they last short and they don’t have a chance to grow big.
Before, I was thinking, obviously it was because we spend so little time together (so we know little about each other and there is a blissful side of short things as we all aware of) but then I proved myself wrong: I don’t feel the spark AFTER we separate. I feel it during. So it is not correct.
Then, I put down the possibility of me making up things that I don’t know about them in a way that would make me want them more, there was times when I was doing that but no, I don’t do that anymore. I just see what people show me and don’t try to guess up the rest or look for something behind their actions. So, this also, goes off the table.
Then I thought, maybe it is a self sabotage I do to myself subconsciously; I LET myself feel the spark because deep down I know it’s not gonna last. That made sense, because I tend to do this: ending things when it is at their best to remember it in that great way. (It works for me to think like that) For a while I was convinced that it was the reason and I went by with it.
But what I realized lately, as I was reading a blog of a British girl talking about happenings in her life, I read something as this: “Think of relationships as sand or water. Every relationship has their own shape, your relationship with your mother is a shape, sisterhood another shape, your relationship with your bestie is a best friend shaped relationship.” What if you just do not pour down the sand in any shape? It just flows and scatters, spills literally everywhere. I realized, I feel the most comfortable in communications that are not defined by any shape, mindset, forcing or geography. That’s the area I am more likely to feel the spark.
With all those people who I felt the spark with and then needed to leave, the spark I felt was not because we got to spend short time together or not about my ambivalent attachments towards them. It was, a bit about something we just can’t explain (call it energy, call it fate) and a little bit because we put no boundaries, lines, promises between us & we just became ourselves as we are, living in that moment as how we felt guided moments, we just bounded, connected, made the best out of it & then had to move on with our lives. We didn’t pour the sand in any shape, so the sand spread, twirling between our bodies, scattered into both of our lives. And it became… us. We became the sand. We carry it around wherever we go now, when we think of each other.
As a person who would once need reassurance, trust, approval all the time; I now enjoy living in the undefined in such uncertainty. Because I am enjoying myself above all other things. As long as I feel that way, I don’t need the reassurance of tomorrow because I don’t even care.
So yeah, safe to say that I fancy people that I could freely run in the wild mountains with, that would not limit who I am but to add more to it, that we wouldn’t put our sand in our pockets or limit it with any shape but we spread the sands wherever we are & the world would shine because of the sand we spread together.
And yeah, I still think of him from time to time as weeks passed by. I put on the song I was so surprised he knew, think of how we danced to it as he sang it. I stupidly feel hot in my cheeks, a weight in my chest. I wish the best for him and keep moving on.
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