...so I stopped daydreaming

As a single woman who is counting down to 25, I finally relate to HIMYM’s Robin as she says “Guys are like the subway. You miss one, another comes along in five minutes.”

I don’t know if it is me maturing, me working my ass off to build the life I dream of, me getting sick of disrespect, me appreciating else things way better as I used to do; but there has been a remarkable shift in my priorities for the last couple of months. I take no shit, I feel more grounded than ever, I could win prizes for my performance in sustaining my energy and I feel at peace.

I don’t wait around for something to happen to make me happy, I don’t force, I don’t chase - not in the sense of Tom chasing Jerry. While maintaining my peace of mind, there is no room in my mind to think about the coulda woulda been’s - I love it.

I stay true to myself, observe around, check in with myself while in the moment going through things and recognize the little “!!!” moments which make my heart beat, and which don’t.

To change something, first you gotta realize it; but realizing is never enough to change the pattern of the behaviour. Tho it can help preventing yourself from going to wrong directions, or just give you the chance to choose to commit a mistake, if any. Discovering yourself is an endless journey and being a single woman, in the city that never sleeps, serves my journey perfectly. I got countless chances to meet countless people, as I got as cautious as I could ever be. Knowing what I wanted has never been easy as my mind changes as I change my nail polish, but at least now I have some sure thoughts on what I don’t want anymore, which is super relieving - not as practical. While having all the info I got: what I like, what I don’t like, what I don’t want, what I disguise; I sometimes have some gaps in understanding why I feel what I feel. Why I feel nothing to a person who seems perfect on paper, why I tend to run away when I see someone I was once interested in crushing on me, why I get shaky over a boy I’ve only seen twice but even a notification about him gives me a smile. How I’m drawn to his cocky, distant way of texting and not to the other one who seems to understand my tides and ready to serve(?) the world to me.

In each circumstance and to everyone I keep being me, being as true and natural as I could be; I don’t daydream or guess or even think about what they think about me anymore. I don’t force, I don’t bear, I don’t fake or I don’t take. I just try to understand the logic behind my “!!!” moments and hope, some time, somewhere, one of those countless people’s “!!!” moments happens to meet one of my “!!!” moments & the magic happens in my fairyland where everything feels like pink cotton candies. I know everything will turn my way, what’s mine will find me, without me making a hard effort getting it, everything is great as it is and there’s no reason for it to become more fabulous and dreamy and brilliant each and every day. 

life is so stupid I love it

Theme of lately

Life is so precious and so unpredictable and so alive and so changeable that I can't stop but be amazed by it every fucking second of every fucking day.

Here you are, at the age of 24, thinking that you'd seen it all, you walked past and back the spectrum of emotions, reached every note, now it is only going to be a repetitive cycle of the same notes - maybe higher, or lower, but the same feels that you once knew. All done. You got it all figured out. You've seen it all. What else could be there?

Then BAM. Life happens. And you are shocked, once again, with the same excitement and same cute little fears once again, but in a slightly different way; more mature, more sane & in a much more joyful way, each time. 

Funny how everything we do, think, doubt for is nothing but the reflections of who we really are, what we are made of.

Change = (Awarenes x Will) + Strength to do so. 

Comfort zone is not only where you feel safe but it is also the feeling of not letting go because you invested so much in it, you can't take the feel of all going in vain so you stick to the thing that does not serve you, that's your comfort zone. Being a risk taker is not only doing stuff on the edge, bungee jumping; it is also the act of letting go of the thing you want so fucking much but also aware of the fact that it's not for you, that's your bungee jumping but you crash every day until you no longer fear to crash, then you fly & be free. 

I feel like I've dived into my comfort zone and surfed from one hill to another until I realize the theme behind the gap of how I define myself and how I wasn't able to act accordingly. It took me a while, oh more than I thought, days spent under the judgement of "Seriously? Still?", to really get over the last two years: to forgive everything that happened to me and everything that I caused. I kept myself so busy that I consciously give myself no room to think about it all more than I should have, as a success-addicted person it felt so good. It actually helped me decrease my obsession with being too good. I literally had no time to spent in vain so it also held me down from silly acts, not silly but the acts I would tend to do when I feel a certain way- The more I spent time with friends & family, the more I started to get back to myself.

I remember thinking exactly a year ago, like what happened to me? "What happened to the little girl with so much confidence, joy, so decisive, tough? At what point have I changed and become so unsure of myself that it led me to where I am now?" Almost all of my childhood memories are related to me being super reckless, natural, curious but critical, confident. Like when I was 5 years old yelling at someone who was respected and feared by everyone in the family, because he was mean to my aunt. Or how I wanted to be a neurosurgeon just because "it's very difficult and very few people were able to do it". How I was able to stand up for my own ideas and express myself ridiculously well. 

Then BAM. Life happened and I literally built myself a life depending on approval, on how other's feel about me, everyone liking me, being the good girl without any mistakes. It felt natural, coming from a super compassionate, warm-hearted mother; but I also ended up with a burnout after facing with a couple of big failures; I hated losing. Losing my dignity, losing someone I love, losing a game; the concept of losing was a direct attack of my self image that supports the belief of me being not worthy. Supporting 17-years-old me, nihilist Albert Camus fan, "Nothing really matters and we are all just a stardust in a big galaxy on a planet that worths nothing" type of shit. 

With lots of nights thinking about everything, lots of books on psychology, lots of yoga, meditation, enlightenment, practices of mindfulness, long deep talks with friends & a lot of help from them; I feel so happy to see myself, outgrown all the misery related to my genes, traumas of me- ones happened to me & ones I caused myself go through, stupid beliefs and all that. I realized I am the only person who judges me the most, so harsh - nobody even cares that much. How I act is not always associated with who I am. 

I stopped being a stupid dreamer who romanticised every little thing, defining how I feel with miserable song lyrics, being too nice to not hurt people's feelings, getting caught up with my inner voice panicking in an uncertainty and courages me to avoid everything and go to bed; taking life, people, myself and situations so seriously. I have learnt not to trust my emotions, not to trust my thoughts; but my instincts- but thank god I can also avoid them. Learnt how to just watch and observe without acting. I have learnt how to love myself. I have been to hell & back, fallen, crashed; but now I am finally free.

I became that little girl again - but make it more adultish. 

God knows what this year holds but I am ready to embrace, enjoy & love again.

Tho it's relieving to think that you're nothing but a stardust, you are everything to yourself. Nihilism is for losers (sorry Camus). You owe yourself to give what you deserve, which is whatever the fuck you want to have & achieve in this world. 

Thank you for listening to my tedtalk and have a nice day