a thing has been on my mind for about a month now, and I feel like I need to get it done to get it over in my head. why this insist? isn't it weird, that, even if it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end, you want it to happen so badly just to go through it? what's it about actually? what's the source feeling in that?
anyway, I woke up to a day which I don't wanna leave bed ever, which I ended up making it true. whiskey in my stomach, a bruise on my knee I don't remember happening, clothes on the floor type of day. I put my phone on airplane mode and caught up with some TV show I should've watched earlier, but couldn't find that spare time. my head empty, my mouth dry, gosh how I missed being this dump.
at some point I turned on my phone, texted back to those. a friend of mine called me and invited me over to his house, such care in his tone of voice, with a sea view and food and beers - a friend whom I can talk about anything with ease, seeing the world through similar type of lenses. the invite was so appealing, despite my hungover. I also remembered, I thought to myself yesterday that, work-life does not limit what you could do on the weekends; it is YOU who limits you. because lately I often find myself canceling plans, saying "no" to events 'because I gotta work the next day'. or because 'one day isn't enough to recover from that type of night so let's call it off'. thinking ahead, thinking ahead, thinking ahead. then why bother living, if you gotta keep thinking of the next move, next day? so I kinda decided to, live weekends as they come, to not limit myself because of responsibilities - because they are not gonna go away. they are here to stay. till the day I die. I just gotta figure out a new way to live with them.
but I didn't feel like a chat at all, take a cab, go, get tired, come home late, sleep late, wake up restless, go through a big monday day, because I do have a lot to do tomorrow. and I care so I have to be keen-set.
then another friend called, my best friend, wanted to see me today. I also wanted to see her too, but now that's plan 2, I was not even ready for plan 1, but I automatically made a plan in my mind which could perfectly work, if I were to be willing to step outside.
I was still feeling empty-headed, talked away my sister saying "I am not in the mood for a chat", that's how much I didn't feel like chatting. I was tired, I needed a break, watching the love hexagon on that Netflix show in bed and not doing anything else felt more appealing to me than everything else.
I tried to make a decision of stepping out or not for about 2 hours, it was just so hard to decide what to do. Because 1, if not today then it'll be the next weekend cuz weekdays are workdays, 2, "do I really wanna spend all day in bed?" yes. do I get the fear of missing out? yes. did I just feel bad because I kinda wanna act the opposite way I thought yesterday? yes because it is super inconsistent... and I hate inconsistency... yet here I am finding myself changing minds over A DAY...
in the end, I called everybody off, still in bed, drinking my herbal tea & writing these. still got a headache, tho I feel great. sometimes while trying to decide to do the RIGHT thing & trying to make EVERY PERSONA in you happy; you just forget that there is no such thing as right nor keeping everyone happy. sometimes you just gotta listen to your guts and do whatever feels good to you, even if it means not leaving bed.
even if it means forcing that one thing to happen desperately, even tho it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end??? not sure about that one
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