i even went to a stranger's house with you

a nice day of may: we woke up with the sunlight, i was surprised when i saw you were cuddling with me all night. you got my tshirt on you, you were looking ridiculously handsome without your glasses on. i almost forgot what color your eyes are. i was surprised when i saw your sleep was light. you woke up before me and i woke up because of you.
we chitchatted about art and writers, it was like we never slept. we just kept on going from the point we left. you asked me about men i didn't even hear of: i still don't remember the ones you taught me about. i know so many things about so many famous directors but i don't remember any names.

we went downstairs and smoked. i don't know why but i remember feeling strange and uncomfortable. i didn't know what was gonna happen after that day and that made me nervous when i was sitting on the couch with you pretending everything's normal inside. i wanted you gone immediately or waited for a sharp move coming from you to help me understand even a little bit. but you seemed same as me. maybe your tension affected me.

we went to halic metro station. i wanted to stop for a sec and watch the sea as we walked. so we did. it was may, the weather was warm, i was wearing my pink coat. the sea was wavy, the waves were shining with the reflection of sunlight. the moment i thought it couldn't get any better, you took off your binoculars from your bag and gave it to me, and told me to look at the sea with it. and i did.

it was a holy moment. there were nothing but the voice of birds, the wavy sea, the shiny sun and me: looking at the eternal waves shining like gold. i still remember how they look. and i can still see them any time i want when i close my eyes. i was captivated by the beauty of that moment.

then you took some more pictures of the kids in the sea. we had some kind of brunch somewhere. we walked and kept talking.

then i was going to besiktas, you were going home. we hugged goodbye and separated.

haven't seen you back then. haven't even talked to you properly but that's the way it goes for years now. i don't normally think about you in a daily basis but i know you're special to me. you healed something inside me and i know that day was neither a beginning nor an end. and i don't wonder how it all is to you: i don't mind and i don't wanna ruin the idea of you with knowing my worth to you. but i do wonder if sometimes you think of me too.

oh, sorry i lost the big lighter. but anyways, you didn't even know i had it... lol

günlükler ve giriş biletleri

Hem fiziksel, hem mental olarak 3 ay önceki hayatımdan inanılmaz uzaklaştım; son dönemlerde detoxa girmiş gibiyim: Önceden bulunduğum tüm lokasyonlardan uzaklaştım, çevremde hep olmasına alışkın olduğum insanlar yok ve ben bir tür detoxun içindeyim. Kendimi eroini bırakmaya çalışırken kendini odasına hapseden Mark gibi hissediyorum. Aylardır bastırıp durduğum bütün şeyler gün yüzüne çıkıyor, çünkü şu an bastırmak için yapabileceğim hiçbir şey yok. Olur olmadık yerlerde olur olmadık şeyler için gözlerim doluyor, önceden bana hiçbir şey ifade etmeyen şeyler beni inanılmaz mutlu etmeye başladı- anneme yemek yapması için yardım etmek gibi.

Halledemediğim ve üzerine düşünmeye artık alıştığım her şey hala aklımda, önceden bu düşünceleri kafamın içinde çöpe atardım. Hani düşünürsün ve düşünmekten uyuyamazsın ya, bende artık durum düşünmekten uyuyamamak değildi, benim uykum artık olmuyordu ve yatakta bile durmuyordum. Mutfağa geçip sigara içerdim. Yeniden yatağa geçtiğimde tüm düşüncelerimi siyah çöp poşetine doldurduğumu ve yıldızlarla dolu, karanlık uzay boşluğunda boşluğa bıraktığımı ve onun aşağı düşüşünü hayal ederdim. Bu hayal beni rahatlatırdı sanırım. 

Her şey hala aklımda. Hala üstüne gittiğim halde hiçbir sonuca ulaşamıyorum ama artık yorgunluğun da verdiği bıkkınlık hissiyle duruma alışmış vaziyetteyim, sonunda az da olsa boşverme becerisi geliştirebilmiş bulunuyorum. 

Galiba bu hayattaki en büyük bağımlılığım duygularım. Hayatımdaki her şeye yön veren şey iradem olmaktan çıktı, kelimenin tam anlamıyla duygularımın esiri olmuş durumdayım. İnsanları hayatıma alırken bile başka hiçbir şeyi hesaba katmayıp bana ne hissettirebileceklerine bakıyorum. Bu insan bana ne verir; mutluluk mu, korku mu, heyecan mı, bıkkınlık mı, varoluşun alt notalarını sorgularken hissettiğim o içinden çıkılamamazlık duygusunu mu, yetersizlik mi, çaresizlik mi, tutku mu? Öyle ki, bazı sınıflar geliştirdim bu konuyla ilgili. İnsanların genel olarak hissettirdiklerini, enerjilerinin bizimkiler ile olan bağlantısını ve uyumunu düşündüğümüzde ortaya çıkan birkaç belirgin sınıf var aslında: akorlar gibi.

Her insanın bizim içimizde dokunduğu bazı noktalar var ve bu noktaların birleşmesiyle akorlar gibi kombinasyonlar çıkıyor ortaya. Sen hangi kombinasyonu daha çok seversen, (bu örnekte hangi tınıyı daha çok seversen, gibi) o insanları hayatına almaya daha eğilimli oluyorsun ve diğerleri eleniyor. Birnevi doğal seçilim.

Ama her şey bu kadar basit değil, duygularım hayatımda bu kadar ön planda ama diğer her şey gibi duygular da kalıcı değil. Herhangi bir şey bir gün aşırı sevilirken ikinci gün bir o kadar önemsiz olabiliyor. O halde duygulara güvenip hareket etmek ne derece doğru olabilir?

Geçen yazı düşünmekten kendimi alamıyorum- neler yaptığımı, kimlerle beraber olduğumu, neler yaşandığını. Düşününce inanılmaz güzel bir yazdı ve ben çok farklı deneyimler kazanmıştım: bir anın içindeyken o anın senin için, hayatın boyunca aslında çok önemli olacağının farkında olamamak ne acı. Sana yaşarken gayet sıradan gelen bir günü sonrasında tekrar tekrar düşüneceğini, o güne dönmek için inanılmaz şeyler feda edebileceğini tahmin edememek ne acı. 

Ama en acısı da o anları yaşarken bile arkaplanda bir yerlerde azıcık da olsa bi' tatminsizlik duygusunun oluşuydu. Benim tamamen, purely mutlu olabilmem için ne gerekiyor acaba? Bilmiyorum. Bunun doyumsuzlukla ilgili olmadığının farkındayım ama neyle ilgili, gerçekten hiç bilemiyorum. 

Yaşanan şeyler ve geçen zaman olduğun kişiyi değiştirir mi yoksa onu ortaya mı çıkarır? Kim olduğunu, nasıl biri olduğunu nasıl anlarsın? Hangi durumlarda, hangi davranışınla? Yıllardır sahip olduğun ana bir karakter mi var mıdır yoksa bu her geçen gün değişir mi? İnsan 7'sinde neyse 70'inde de o mudur yoksa bugün bile dün olduğumuz kişiyle aynı kişi değil miyizdir aslında? Artık kim olduğuma, nasıl biri olduğuma, ne istediğime karar veremiyorum. Yeniden ilk ergenlik dönemi sorgulamalarına düştüm ama o zamanlar 14 yaşındaydım ve şu günlerimin hayaliyle kendimi biraz rahatlatabiliyordum. Şimdi neredeyse 20 yaşındayım ve önceden içinde bulunacağımı hayal ettiğim zaman diliminin tam da içindeyim: bu sefer rahatlamak için ne yapmalıyım emin değilim, çünkü 25 yaşımı hayal etmek istemiyorum. 25 yaşında nasıl olurum, tahmin bile edemiyorum. 

Bir şeyleri gözümde büyütmemeye çalışsam da olmuyor. donanımlı, sanatlı, üretken, anlamlı bir yaşam sürmeliyim ve başarıya olan delice tutkumdan vazgeçmeliyim. Bir de net çizgilere. Her şey siyah ya da beyaz olmak zorunda değil. Bir savunma mekanizması olarak kendimi güvence altına almak için her şeyin her zaman net olmasını istiyorum ama aslında her şey iç içe, hiçbir zaman hiçbir durumda hiçbir şeyin netliği/kesinliği yok ve her şey tamamen bizim algılayış biçimimizle ilgili. An itibariyle 7,6 milyar farklı bakış açısı. 

personal implications and explanations of some voids

feels like we're all in a nonstop loop and none of us can really figure out how to get out of it.

carpe diem, yeah, like, okay, live in the moment. you're not living in the past or you don't know what the future holds. you belong to this moment and live it however you want. i get it. but it doesn't mean shit when you realize it's been 4 months and there's nothing that counts, the only that you have is your empty hands when you go to bed.

//

here's a funny irony: everything gets clearer when you draw away, get out of the situation you're in and look at it from the farthest point. imagine you're watching a movie and know both sides of the story: it's just like it. just once in a while, try to get out of your body and look at yourself from there. is it who you really want to be? is it where you want to be at this age of your life? are you getting closer to the person you want to be or are you so far from it that you don't even remember your dreamself?

//
sometimes i imagine myself as a foreign when i travel. it doesn't matter where i am, i can be on the metrobus or the ferry; i forget that i know the route and try to look at the buildings and views as if i see them for the first time. and they look more beautiful to me. seeing something every day makes you get used to it and i hate getting used to something.

//

it's like i've got this love in me that won't be still. love for everything, in general. i fall in love everyday with something new. with songs, with pictures, with writings, with sketches, with people, with buildings, with tastes, even with feelings; i'm always so enthusiastic about the things i love and there are plenty of things i'm in love with actually. that makes me pretty emotional inside and i hate it. i hate getting negative feedbacks about anything because i probably loved something about it back then. that's sick, that's insane, i think it's psychologically not healthy but i can't make it the other way round.

//

lately the same things happen to me when it comes to affairs, it goes like this:

i meet someone, we start to talk and get to know each other, i usually don't adore them but they literally adore me, they tell me all the pretty things they say, they always find me smart and clever, they make me feel good about myself, so i get to know them too (and they usually become thoughtful and have good taste in music lol), sometimes i introduce them to my friends, and then suddenly THEY'RE GONE. like, literally, all of a sudden, they are out of my life. in a second.

just like a slap on my face. before i figure out what's happening, they're gone. why? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO SOMEONE?

it's getting nauseous and i'm turning into a misanthropic, grumpy woman.

What are the words for?

What do they do?

"They can only do harm", Depeche Mode says.

What are the touches for?

What have they become?

"There is a charge for a touch", she says.

What's its price?

We struggle like the waves around us.

We come and go, we sway in a circle we made.

Sometimes bitter, sometimes calm, we rarely become clear but we keep on dancing in the sea

Even when the music stops

Our motions are endless as we live

We swallow ourselves: the stronger you are the better.

We march on together, we float and we settle and we start to move again.

Ugh waves. They're just like us. We're just like them. A nonstop circle we draw till we die.

warped moon i caught

click here

you can never really know a person. maybe you know the details of his/her heart, you know the things he/she is afraid of, the things he loves the most, things he likes doing. things he never told before. things he didn't tell you, things you won't ever forget about them. but you can never know the essence of one person, the things he is made of, things that make him what he is. no one knows no one. no one really, truly loves no one. it's all in your head. you love him because you chose to do it. because you both have something in common or nothing at all but it's all because he/she covers the holes in your heart. so it's not really about them. it all is about you. all the things you feel all the things you do, all your act comes back to you.

i look straight and i see her. her face gives me strenght to move on. i find myself in her. i see my experiences and all the things i feel in her eyes. she is the most connectedwithme person in earth for me. that tells me that it all is not over. we've got things to see in near future. she is like, saying, "prepare yourself for what comes next. maybe youre not gonna like it but try to be okay with it. be content."

i look the other side and see his album cover. of the man who got it all figured out. the man who always talks about me. the man i find myself in his lyrics. like he sees through me and stepped the same road with me. who knows me and understands me. the man who is always with me through his songs. i'm thankful for it. that reminds me that i'm never purely, all alone because i always got him with me in my earphones. he is succeed because none of the people i know got this place in my life. none of them is that important for me. because that is how i want it to be. i wanna feel my musicians around me, not my friends. i want them to touch the curves in my heart, not any other person in my life. so i'm good. i'm always safe. (maybe?)

life goes on i guess. no matter what we think, no matter what we except. no matter what we accept. it goes on and take shapes around you. you shape its form. its all because of you and it all comes back to you. you are the reaason what you are going through. keep that in mind and make the best out of it
, the life you're given. make the best out of you. it is the only way to keep moving on.

adaptation of memories

summer break of middle school. it's so hot outside and me and my bestfriend have nothing to do. so we go cycling every day. we change the route every time. but it always has to be the roads that we know. but i get bored of it. so one day i turn the wheels to a different way. and she comes with me. we go to the roads we don't know, especially. we ride, and ride. it's so hot outside and we ride at 7 in the evening. we try not to be killed by cars. we don't talk, we don't laugh, we just ride with the silence between us. there's a road at the right. it's an asphalt road and the road's two sides are full of trees. it looks fascinating. there's just one down side about the road: there's noone there. not even a car passes through. but i wanna go there. i'm just too curious about it. but she doesn't wanna go there. she's afraid if someone comes and robs us, abuses us. i insist but i can't convince her. so we go back, to our safe 'home' with the same road we come.


last year of highschool. it's so hot outside and me and my bestfriend have so much to do. instead, we go cycling sometimes. we change the route every time. but it always has to be the roads that we don't know. i'm not bored at all. so one day i turn the wheels to a familiar road. and she comes with me. she follows me wherever i ride the bike, especially; because i have somewhere in mind. we ride, ride. it's so hot outside and we ride at 7 in the evening. we try not to be killed by cars. we talk, we laugh, there's pleasurable music in the background, we ride while we listen to the melodies of david gilmour. and, here we are. at the right of the road. it's the asphalt road with the trees of its two sides. it still looks pleasing! and the down side about it still remains. but i still wanna go there. i'm still curious about it. and she says, "let's go!" she wants to go there, too. so we do. we are afraid that someone may come and rob us or abuse us but we just don't care. we ride with doubts on our minds but we keep on riding. we ride, ride and see a puddle on the right. there's no road to it, there's dirty soils and a puddle behind it. so we turn the direction to there. it looks like a river, but it's more beautiful than this. it looks brilliant with the sunset, reflecting on it. we are charmed and we light a cigarette. smoke it together as we watch the sunset. then a car comes and we know that it's time to go for us. so we turn back, to our safe 'home' with a different road we come. we keep on listening to music as we ride. we kiss ourselves goodbye and split.

i went to see a theater today and walked back home. i walked for an hour or more. as i walked, i was afraid if someone comes and bothers me but i didn't care. i walked alone and listened to the melodies of david gilmour. that reminded me this memory of me. i sang out loud as i walked and thought about it.

that's how life goes, i think. we find someone and we really love them, but we have different perspectives about the things we deal with. then we meet someone else who would think like us, who would go there with us, who would take us there; and that means much more. that's why we leave those people behind and begin to walk with someone else. because they would lead us where we'd like to go. they would come with us where we would want to go most. i don't know if it's about age or personality. it may be both but either way, we always change our way to reach the dreams we have.

maybe i'm overthinking again. maybe this memory doesn't mean shit but it means something to me tonight.

the extremely weird, once in a lifetime experience

i've had the weirdest, the most giving-headache, the most wtfamidoinghereidontbelonghere night of my life.


so, i met this woman at the plane when i was coming back from istanbul to antalya. she was seated next to me and she fell asleep the moment she sat. when she woke up, she asked me, "i didn't snore, did i?". i laughed and said "no" and that was the beginning of our friendkindaship.

we talked during the flight and she was like the most interesting person ever. she's been through so much and she got all the possible tragedy in her life. she had lost her two parents when she was young, she got married and then divorced and her exhusband is in jail but she's still in love with him so she's flying to antalya to marry him again in the prison, she's from the east side of the country so she has lots of nephews and cousins and siblings, bla, bla, bla... let's call her... alma. alma gave me her phone number before we got off the plane incase of any emergency. she told that she can help me with everything. and i trusted her. (i dont know if i still do tho.) so i gave her my number too.

everything is simple and normal so far.


after 2 days, today, she called me around 3 when i was at the office. she was like "heyyy honey what are you up to?? i'm out with my friends, are you workin'? well we're in a cafe now, wanna come??" and i said that i was at the office, i'd call her when i got out.

but there was so much going on on my mind so i forgot to call her and came straight home. she called me again at 6 and said "we're gonna drink, have a fun night out, please come we're gonna have so much fun, it's just me and a friend of mine, i know it'll be good for you too" but i couldn't be sure so i said i was gonna think about it and then call her again. but 3 minutes later, she (AGAIN) called me and said that she was on the way, coming to pick me up so that didn't leave me any other choice.

when they said, "fun night out", "having so much fun", "drink", all i thought about was going to kaleiçi and sittin' in a nice bar, drinking coctails and talking about our lives and maybe the situation of the country and all. but, it was nothing like this, not even near.

they picked me up at 7. they have come in a cab. first i thought they actually came with a cab but no, the driver was with us. there were 3 of them, alba in the back seat, the driver, and the boy sitting next to driver. the moment i got in the car, i knew i was gonna regret this.

so, it turned out, the boy sitting next to driver is alma's friend but he had a car accident and he doesn't have a car right now and that's why he called his friend(the driver) to drive us. alma's friend was a total KEKO. let's call him gary. he does look like a gary tho. and i was just a girl alma met on the plane to protect her from gary to abuse her.

alma was wearing the same mini skirt she wore on the plane. there were disgusting music in the car. in all this noise she whispered in my ear, "gary is in love with me so he's planning to get drunk and tell me that today. i don't get drunk easily but if i do, carry me your home." and i was like "ok. you can count on me." AS IF IM A MOTHERFUCKING NAIVE PURE INNOCENT ANGEL CAME FROM HEAVEN.

i remember, for a second, in that car, i thought "fuck your prejudice. now that you're here, try to enjoy life with the people around you. they may not be like you, but they're all older than you so they must have got something to show you, teach you, i dont know guide you somehow." (it turned out they don't.)


we got in a nice restaurant, we were supposed to predrink and eat dinner together. they all were drinking raki but i was drinking beer. everyone spilled out with the first sip of the drink. it turned out that gary and his driver friend (lets call him Gross cuz he really is gross) were both IN JAIL. gross stayed there for 9 years and gary stayed in for 7 or 8 years. i mean, what the fuck? i'm not saying all people who went to jail is evil but, what the fuck was i doing there as a 18,5 years old girl? alma is 29, gary is 28 and gross was 35 for gods sake. and of course i lied about my age. i said i was 20. even tho i said that, they were like "oh my god you are so mature you dont look like it you dont think as if youre 20." i mean, really? they both didnt say about why they were in jail but they mentioned about its hardness. i said something about it because i've watched orange is the new black and i thought i knew something about prisoners (ha ha, i know its ridiculous) and they both were like "YES YOURE RIGHT THATS THE HARDEST PART" (finally watching series got me something, lol. or did it?)

alma was starting to get drunk, wanted to take photos of us, wanted to call one of her friends, called her younger sister, started talking bullshit. real bullshit. then she told me to go to the ladies room together. so we went. while she was peeing, she told me, "gary is in love with me. he's trying to get me drunk. but i don't wanna live something with him. he's a good guy but he knows my husband and his family. i don't wanna live anything with something who knows my husband. so if i get drunk, be near me and take care of me." of course i accepted it and said i'd take care of her, that she didn't have to worry.

while we were talking about shit and smoking, gary's cousin came. alma looked at me, said "how is he for you" with her eyes. i said out loud, "no you know i got a boyfriend." and she whispered, "yeah i know but dont say it to them, just incase. you dont know how the night'll go." and blinked at me. THAT MOMENT I FINALLY FUCKIN REALIZED THAT SHE'S A BITCH WHO'S TRYING TO SEEM CUTE AND NOTBITCHY. they have finished a 70cl raki, i finished 2 bottles of beer, i got so bored, started asking "where are we gonna leave?" and gary said, "the night has just started, its nothing yet.."
i wanna share the fact that i was the only Turk in the dinner table and they were all from the east side of the country so they all know Kurdish (i mean, really) and the more they drunk, the more the conversation turned kurdish! i couldnt understand shit.


finally they agreed on leaving, but we were not leaving for good, we went to some place like disco but also not like disco, it was like 60's casino but without the tables and cards. alma was out of her mind already, she started dancing like crazy. they all danced to a kurdish song.
i couldn't possibly imagine myself there, sittin in a chair, watching them dancing, trying not to go mad. they were talking about going to kemer after this place. i didn't wanna go to kemer, i just wanted to go home, actually go anywhere they're not in. i thought, "for once in your life, stop thinking about other people and do something for yourself. if you wanna go home, go home." on the other hand, i was thinking if i should leave alma with them or take her with me because you can tell by the look of gary's face that he was obviously trying to eat her out. but she was so out of line, also i didn't know her so well. but i promised her to keep her safe. i didn't know what to do. but i just couldn't take it, couldn't stand it anymore and said "i'll have to get up at 6 tomorrow so i gotta go." they insisted on taking me home, it was 11.05pm so i said ok. IF ONLY I KNEW HOW THE ROAD TRIP WAS GONNA BE.


gary said "im gonna sit here in the back seat with alma, you go sit next to gross." i said ok. but it turned out gross was too drunk to drive. so was alma. and gary was after her trying to fuck her. and i dont even fucking know how to drive. so gross drove. but it was like a nightmare. he was like "i cant see i see blurry is that a car in front of me hahahhaaaaa yesss turn up the volumeee wooo i cant see i dont know where we are where is this place" and alma was about to pass out and gary was trying to kiss him and also wanted me to change the song, HE WAS WILLING TO LISTEN TO JENNIFER LOPEZ WHILE I WAS TRYING TO TELL GROSS THE ROUTE FROM GOOGLE MAP AND GARY WAS TRYING TO TURN THE VOLUME UP AND THERE WERE SO MUCH KISSING VOICES FROM THE BACK SEAT AND GROSS WAS GOING TOO FAST AND I WAS ABOUT TO GO MAD AND TRYING TO STAY FUCKING CALM AND ALIVE AND STILL GARY WANTED ME TO CHANGE TO JENNIFER LOPEZ AND I STARTED TO YELL IN THE CAR LIKE "SHUT UP HE CAN BARELY DRIVE AND ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS YOUR FUCKING JENNIFER LOPEZ" AND ALMA WAS LIKE "IREM I WANNA STAY WITH U TAKE ME TO YOUR PLACE" AND GARY WAS "NO YOU CANT GO ANYWHERE YOURE MINE TONIGHT" AND I WAS LIKE "IF SHE WANTS TO STAY WITH ME SHE'S COMING WITH ME" AND GARY WAS LIKE "NO GROSS GO STRAIGHT KEMER WE'RE NOT DROPPING IREM OFF" AND I WAS LIKE "PULL OVER I WANNA GET OFF" AND GROSS WAS DRIVING TOO FAST AND I REPEATED AGAIN TO PULL OVER WITH A HIGHER VOICE AND GARY SAID "WERE GONNA DRIVE YOU HOME BUT SHE GONNA STAY WITH US" AND I SAID "EITHER STOP THE CAR OR DRIVE ME HOME CAREFULLY" AND THE CREEPY SONG WAS STILL PLAYING IN THE CAR LOUDLY AND I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK THERE SO IT. WAS. A. TOTAL. NIGHT.FUCKING.MARE.

i got off somewhere near my house. alma said "if you wanna come, come we're going to kemer" i said "fuck you" on the inside and "thank you i'm heading home" on the outside and the jailguys were like "you are a beautiful,smart girl sorry for tonight" i was like "its ok pls go as soon as possible" and i started walking but i was staring back incase they follow me in a paranoid way but i'm home now, safe and sound, with a headache.


i never wanna live such a night like this in my entire life, i hate this kinda people who tries to take advantage of people but in this situation there was nothing i can do because alma was willingly serving herself to him, and she does trust them, but i don't and never will.


this night was a reminder for me that i have so much to be thankful for, firstly my music taste, thank you brother and sister for raising me with this kinda precious music since my childhood, thank you mom and dad for raising me in a good neighbourhood, thank you my friends for the way you taught me to have fun, NOT LIKE THIS, NOT WITH RAKI AND DEFINITELY NOT WITH HALAY.


if she came here to marry her exhusband, what the fuck was alma trying to do with gary?


they are probably fucking in the closet of a bar right now.