the tale of a grumpy woman

it was one of those nights: those warm, semi-comfy nights that she remembered a memory which was buried inside her mind. it was buried so deeply that, it came like a very close water drop to the eye, blurry at first and it got clear as she blinked her eyes. "feels like another life" she thought. as she was thinking about it, the outlines became the shapes that form the scene. still not clear enough, but enough to talk about. 

years and years ago, an autumn day in the city center. drinks ordered, hands tied, a quirky atmosphere. chit-chats about daily life while getting closer to the main point. they met to talk about the affair they had that day: that summer morning. a morning that must have been full of regrets but tho she felt nothing.  the betrayal looked so innocent back then, although still. even now when she thinks about it, she doesn't regret it. why did she do such a thing? does it even matter, after all those years? 

so they finally got to the point, that was when the lies became. he insisted he loved her, tho it meant nothing. neither to him, neither to her: they both were aware of it. but still, she looked like she believed and feeling sorry for him. "i can't do it, that was a one night thing. i did enjoy it, but i can't keep on doing it," she tried to convince him. but he used all his tricks to get her in his way, he really thought he had a chance. she was deeply feeling sorry for him but not because of leaving him: because of seeing him begging her like this, pathetically, despairingly. she didn't regret the night but definitely regretted coming. she immediately got on the way as she waved goodbye. 

she was going to her lover. as her way home, she tried to forget the whole thing. she tried to forget everything, she did indeed. it wasn't because of her being so cold blooded or unfair: it was just because it meant nothing and it was not difficult for her to pretend that something does not even exist if something means nothing.

she got back home and saluted everyone. her lover made a dinner and asked his friends to come over. by the time she was home, the guests were leaving and only one of his friends stayed a little more. the three of them talked all night long and she forgot the whole thing as the night ended. she doesn't even remember the morning after. 

that was the last time she saw his guests and her betrayal collaborator.
now this vanishing memory came to her mind. do you know why? 
a strange thing happened to her today. 
as she was wandering around, she saw a familiar face in the crowd. she knew she had met him, but not quite sure how. so she started to track him, going after him as he was walking down the street. as she was coming behind, she started to remember who he is. what he does, what he likes, what he is like, how they saw and saluted each other the past year when they were too drunk. as he sat in a cafe having coffee, she kept observing with pure attention while spying on him on the next table. as she gathered more and more about him, the more she felt attracted to him. she wanted to go and talk with him: a small chat about what's changed through time and how they're doing right now. but would it mean anything? to her, definitely: but to him? how would she begin? what would she say? how could she break the image of her that's left to him years ago out of one night? would it be too awkward, or would it be kind of romantic in the long term? 
so she couldn't do it. she left and chose to do nothing about it- yet. 
the remembered that old memory while thinking of him. and this remembrance made everything even freaky.
that was the guest that stayed up late that night with them.
she imagined what could have been? what has she missed? 
"i fall in love too easily, i fall in love too fast, i fall in love too terribly hard for love to ever last," she hummed. it wasn't because of the lack of her soul, but the need to prove that what she had in the past was not enough and she needed something so much more. for so long, for every time she feels, for everything that's been done. 

i even went to a stranger's house with you

a nice day of may: we woke up with the sunlight, i was surprised when i saw you were cuddling with me all night. you got my tshirt on you, you were looking ridiculously handsome without your glasses on. i almost forgot what color your eyes are. i was surprised when i saw your sleep was light. you woke up before me and i woke up because of you.
we chitchatted about art and writers, it was like we never slept. we just kept on going from the point we left. you asked me about men i didn't even hear of: i still don't remember the ones you taught me about. i know so many things about so many famous directors but i don't remember any names.

we went downstairs and smoked. i don't know why but i remember feeling strange and uncomfortable. i didn't know what was gonna happen after that day and that made me nervous when i was sitting on the couch with you pretending everything's normal inside. i wanted you gone immediately or waited for a sharp move coming from you to help me understand even a little bit. but you seemed same as me. maybe your tension affected me.

we went to halic metro station. i wanted to stop for a sec and watch the sea as we walked. so we did. it was may, the weather was warm, i was wearing my pink coat. the sea was wavy, the waves were shining with the reflection of sunlight. the moment i thought it couldn't get any better, you took off your binoculars from your bag and gave it to me, and told me to look at the sea with it. and i did.

it was a holy moment. there were nothing but the voice of birds, the wavy sea, the shiny sun and me: looking at the eternal waves shining like gold. i still remember how they look. and i can still see them any time i want when i close my eyes. i was captivated by the beauty of that moment.

then you took some more pictures of the kids in the sea. we had some kind of brunch somewhere. we walked and kept talking.

then i was going to besiktas, you were going home. we hugged goodbye and separated.

haven't seen you back then. haven't even talked to you properly but that's the way it goes for years now. i don't normally think about you in a daily basis but i know you're special to me. you healed something inside me and i know that day was neither a beginning nor an end. and i don't wonder how it all is to you: i don't mind and i don't wanna ruin the idea of you with knowing my worth to you. but i do wonder if sometimes you think of me too.

oh, sorry i lost the big lighter. but anyways, you didn't even know i had it... lol

günlükler ve giriş biletleri

Hem fiziksel, hem mental olarak 3 ay önceki hayatımdan inanılmaz uzaklaştım; son dönemlerde detoxa girmiş gibiyim: Önceden bulunduğum tüm lokasyonlardan uzaklaştım, çevremde hep olmasına alışkın olduğum insanlar yok ve ben bir tür detoxun içindeyim. Kendimi eroini bırakmaya çalışırken kendini odasına hapseden Mark gibi hissediyorum. Aylardır bastırıp durduğum bütün şeyler gün yüzüne çıkıyor, çünkü şu an bastırmak için yapabileceğim hiçbir şey yok. Olur olmadık yerlerde olur olmadık şeyler için gözlerim doluyor, önceden bana hiçbir şey ifade etmeyen şeyler beni inanılmaz mutlu etmeye başladı- anneme yemek yapması için yardım etmek gibi.

Halledemediğim ve üzerine düşünmeye artık alıştığım her şey hala aklımda, önceden bu düşünceleri kafamın içinde çöpe atardım. Hani düşünürsün ve düşünmekten uyuyamazsın ya, bende artık durum düşünmekten uyuyamamak değildi, benim uykum artık olmuyordu ve yatakta bile durmuyordum. Mutfağa geçip sigara içerdim. Yeniden yatağa geçtiğimde tüm düşüncelerimi siyah çöp poşetine doldurduğumu ve yıldızlarla dolu, karanlık uzay boşluğunda boşluğa bıraktığımı ve onun aşağı düşüşünü hayal ederdim. Bu hayal beni rahatlatırdı sanırım. 

Her şey hala aklımda. Hala üstüne gittiğim halde hiçbir sonuca ulaşamıyorum ama artık yorgunluğun da verdiği bıkkınlık hissiyle duruma alışmış vaziyetteyim, sonunda az da olsa boşverme becerisi geliştirebilmiş bulunuyorum. 

Galiba bu hayattaki en büyük bağımlılığım duygularım. Hayatımdaki her şeye yön veren şey iradem olmaktan çıktı, kelimenin tam anlamıyla duygularımın esiri olmuş durumdayım. İnsanları hayatıma alırken bile başka hiçbir şeyi hesaba katmayıp bana ne hissettirebileceklerine bakıyorum. Bu insan bana ne verir; mutluluk mu, korku mu, heyecan mı, bıkkınlık mı, varoluşun alt notalarını sorgularken hissettiğim o içinden çıkılamamazlık duygusunu mu, yetersizlik mi, çaresizlik mi, tutku mu? Öyle ki, bazı sınıflar geliştirdim bu konuyla ilgili. İnsanların genel olarak hissettirdiklerini, enerjilerinin bizimkiler ile olan bağlantısını ve uyumunu düşündüğümüzde ortaya çıkan birkaç belirgin sınıf var aslında: akorlar gibi.

Her insanın bizim içimizde dokunduğu bazı noktalar var ve bu noktaların birleşmesiyle akorlar gibi kombinasyonlar çıkıyor ortaya. Sen hangi kombinasyonu daha çok seversen, (bu örnekte hangi tınıyı daha çok seversen, gibi) o insanları hayatına almaya daha eğilimli oluyorsun ve diğerleri eleniyor. Birnevi doğal seçilim.

Ama her şey bu kadar basit değil, duygularım hayatımda bu kadar ön planda ama diğer her şey gibi duygular da kalıcı değil. Herhangi bir şey bir gün aşırı sevilirken ikinci gün bir o kadar önemsiz olabiliyor. O halde duygulara güvenip hareket etmek ne derece doğru olabilir?

Geçen yazı düşünmekten kendimi alamıyorum- neler yaptığımı, kimlerle beraber olduğumu, neler yaşandığını. Düşününce inanılmaz güzel bir yazdı ve ben çok farklı deneyimler kazanmıştım: bir anın içindeyken o anın senin için, hayatın boyunca aslında çok önemli olacağının farkında olamamak ne acı. Sana yaşarken gayet sıradan gelen bir günü sonrasında tekrar tekrar düşüneceğini, o güne dönmek için inanılmaz şeyler feda edebileceğini tahmin edememek ne acı. 

Ama en acısı da o anları yaşarken bile arkaplanda bir yerlerde azıcık da olsa bi' tatminsizlik duygusunun oluşuydu. Benim tamamen, purely mutlu olabilmem için ne gerekiyor acaba? Bilmiyorum. Bunun doyumsuzlukla ilgili olmadığının farkındayım ama neyle ilgili, gerçekten hiç bilemiyorum. 

Yaşanan şeyler ve geçen zaman olduğun kişiyi değiştirir mi yoksa onu ortaya mı çıkarır? Kim olduğunu, nasıl biri olduğunu nasıl anlarsın? Hangi durumlarda, hangi davranışınla? Yıllardır sahip olduğun ana bir karakter mi var mıdır yoksa bu her geçen gün değişir mi? İnsan 7'sinde neyse 70'inde de o mudur yoksa bugün bile dün olduğumuz kişiyle aynı kişi değil miyizdir aslında? Artık kim olduğuma, nasıl biri olduğuma, ne istediğime karar veremiyorum. Yeniden ilk ergenlik dönemi sorgulamalarına düştüm ama o zamanlar 14 yaşındaydım ve şu günlerimin hayaliyle kendimi biraz rahatlatabiliyordum. Şimdi neredeyse 20 yaşındayım ve önceden içinde bulunacağımı hayal ettiğim zaman diliminin tam da içindeyim: bu sefer rahatlamak için ne yapmalıyım emin değilim, çünkü 25 yaşımı hayal etmek istemiyorum. 25 yaşında nasıl olurum, tahmin bile edemiyorum. 

Bir şeyleri gözümde büyütmemeye çalışsam da olmuyor. donanımlı, sanatlı, üretken, anlamlı bir yaşam sürmeliyim ve başarıya olan delice tutkumdan vazgeçmeliyim. Bir de net çizgilere. Her şey siyah ya da beyaz olmak zorunda değil. Bir savunma mekanizması olarak kendimi güvence altına almak için her şeyin her zaman net olmasını istiyorum ama aslında her şey iç içe, hiçbir zaman hiçbir durumda hiçbir şeyin netliği/kesinliği yok ve her şey tamamen bizim algılayış biçimimizle ilgili. An itibariyle 7,6 milyar farklı bakış açısı. 

personal implications and explanations of some voids

feels like we're all in a nonstop loop and none of us can really figure out how to get out of it.

carpe diem, yeah, like, okay, live in the moment. you're not living in the past or you don't know what the future holds. you belong to this moment and live it however you want. i get it. but it doesn't mean shit when you realize it's been 4 months and there's nothing that counts, the only that you have is your empty hands when you go to bed.

//

here's a funny irony: everything gets clearer when you draw away, get out of the situation you're in and look at it from the farthest point. imagine you're watching a movie and know both sides of the story: it's just like it. just once in a while, try to get out of your body and look at yourself from there. is it who you really want to be? is it where you want to be at this age of your life? are you getting closer to the person you want to be or are you so far from it that you don't even remember your dreamself?

//
sometimes i imagine myself as a foreign when i travel. it doesn't matter where i am, i can be on the metrobus or the ferry; i forget that i know the route and try to look at the buildings and views as if i see them for the first time. and they look more beautiful to me. seeing something every day makes you get used to it and i hate getting used to something.

//

it's like i've got this love in me that won't be still. love for everything, in general. i fall in love everyday with something new. with songs, with pictures, with writings, with sketches, with people, with buildings, with tastes, even with feelings; i'm always so enthusiastic about the things i love and there are plenty of things i'm in love with actually. that makes me pretty emotional inside and i hate it. i hate getting negative feedbacks about anything because i probably loved something about it back then. that's sick, that's insane, i think it's psychologically not healthy but i can't make it the other way round.

//

lately the same things happen to me when it comes to affairs, it goes like this:

i meet someone, we start to talk and get to know each other, i usually don't adore them but they literally adore me, they tell me all the pretty things they say, they always find me smart and clever, they make me feel good about myself, so i get to know them too (and they usually become thoughtful and have good taste in music lol), sometimes i introduce them to my friends, and then suddenly THEY'RE GONE. like, literally, all of a sudden, they are out of my life. in a second.

just like a slap on my face. before i figure out what's happening, they're gone. why? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO SOMEONE?

it's getting nauseous and i'm turning into a misanthropic, grumpy woman.

What are the words for?

What do they do?

"They can only do harm", Depeche Mode says.

What are the touches for?

What have they become?

"There is a charge for a touch", she says.

What's its price?

We struggle like the waves around us.

We come and go, we sway in a circle we made.

Sometimes bitter, sometimes calm, we rarely become clear but we keep on dancing in the sea

Even when the music stops

Our motions are endless as we live

We swallow ourselves: the stronger you are the better.

We march on together, we float and we settle and we start to move again.

Ugh waves. They're just like us. We're just like them. A nonstop circle we draw till we die.

warped moon i caught

click here

you can never really know a person. maybe you know the details of his/her heart, you know the things he/she is afraid of, the things he loves the most, things he likes doing. things he never told before. things he didn't tell you, things you won't ever forget about them. but you can never know the essence of one person, the things he is made of, things that make him what he is. no one knows no one. no one really, truly loves no one. it's all in your head. you love him because you chose to do it. because you both have something in common or nothing at all but it's all because he/she covers the holes in your heart. so it's not really about them. it all is about you. all the things you feel all the things you do, all your act comes back to you.

i look straight and i see her. her face gives me strenght to move on. i find myself in her. i see my experiences and all the things i feel in her eyes. she is the most connectedwithme person in earth for me. that tells me that it all is not over. we've got things to see in near future. she is like, saying, "prepare yourself for what comes next. maybe youre not gonna like it but try to be okay with it. be content."

i look the other side and see his album cover. of the man who got it all figured out. the man who always talks about me. the man i find myself in his lyrics. like he sees through me and stepped the same road with me. who knows me and understands me. the man who is always with me through his songs. i'm thankful for it. that reminds me that i'm never purely, all alone because i always got him with me in my earphones. he is succeed because none of the people i know got this place in my life. none of them is that important for me. because that is how i want it to be. i wanna feel my musicians around me, not my friends. i want them to touch the curves in my heart, not any other person in my life. so i'm good. i'm always safe. (maybe?)

life goes on i guess. no matter what we think, no matter what we except. no matter what we accept. it goes on and take shapes around you. you shape its form. its all because of you and it all comes back to you. you are the reaason what you are going through. keep that in mind and make the best out of it
, the life you're given. make the best out of you. it is the only way to keep moving on.

adaptation of memories

summer break of middle school. it's so hot outside and me and my bestfriend have nothing to do. so we go cycling every day. we change the route every time. but it always has to be the roads that we know. but i get bored of it. so one day i turn the wheels to a different way. and she comes with me. we go to the roads we don't know, especially. we ride, and ride. it's so hot outside and we ride at 7 in the evening. we try not to be killed by cars. we don't talk, we don't laugh, we just ride with the silence between us. there's a road at the right. it's an asphalt road and the road's two sides are full of trees. it looks fascinating. there's just one down side about the road: there's noone there. not even a car passes through. but i wanna go there. i'm just too curious about it. but she doesn't wanna go there. she's afraid if someone comes and robs us, abuses us. i insist but i can't convince her. so we go back, to our safe 'home' with the same road we come.


last year of highschool. it's so hot outside and me and my bestfriend have so much to do. instead, we go cycling sometimes. we change the route every time. but it always has to be the roads that we don't know. i'm not bored at all. so one day i turn the wheels to a familiar road. and she comes with me. she follows me wherever i ride the bike, especially; because i have somewhere in mind. we ride, ride. it's so hot outside and we ride at 7 in the evening. we try not to be killed by cars. we talk, we laugh, there's pleasurable music in the background, we ride while we listen to the melodies of david gilmour. and, here we are. at the right of the road. it's the asphalt road with the trees of its two sides. it still looks pleasing! and the down side about it still remains. but i still wanna go there. i'm still curious about it. and she says, "let's go!" she wants to go there, too. so we do. we are afraid that someone may come and rob us or abuse us but we just don't care. we ride with doubts on our minds but we keep on riding. we ride, ride and see a puddle on the right. there's no road to it, there's dirty soils and a puddle behind it. so we turn the direction to there. it looks like a river, but it's more beautiful than this. it looks brilliant with the sunset, reflecting on it. we are charmed and we light a cigarette. smoke it together as we watch the sunset. then a car comes and we know that it's time to go for us. so we turn back, to our safe 'home' with a different road we come. we keep on listening to music as we ride. we kiss ourselves goodbye and split.

i went to see a theater today and walked back home. i walked for an hour or more. as i walked, i was afraid if someone comes and bothers me but i didn't care. i walked alone and listened to the melodies of david gilmour. that reminded me this memory of me. i sang out loud as i walked and thought about it.

that's how life goes, i think. we find someone and we really love them, but we have different perspectives about the things we deal with. then we meet someone else who would think like us, who would go there with us, who would take us there; and that means much more. that's why we leave those people behind and begin to walk with someone else. because they would lead us where we'd like to go. they would come with us where we would want to go most. i don't know if it's about age or personality. it may be both but either way, we always change our way to reach the dreams we have.

maybe i'm overthinking again. maybe this memory doesn't mean shit but it means something to me tonight.