on the need of confrontation

I had a friend once, he was writing down letters to his ex-girlfriend even after 2 years they broke up; explaining how he feels and why it didn't work out but how he would want to make it work - apparently he hadn't had the closure he needed and was not resilient enough to do it himself. 

It is a funny side of every happening; cuz each has three sides: 1 in the mind of one of the parties, 2 in the mind of the other one of the parties, 3 what actually just happened. Each action, each touch, each word resonates differently with those different parties; in the end it is just a whole different experience & completely different stories. A fact we are all aware of but always keep forgetting. A fact that either takes us to the sky or just fucks us up. 

As I grow older I realize that the more I seize the day and carpe diem without really putting a thought on it, I more I regret it in the next day. It was plays and fun when I was, I don't know, 21 or something, when I knew less about people, psychology, instincts, life, what matters. I cannot live by my instincts anymore, I care about the long term gain better than the short-lasting prize feelings. But when you are drunk and affected it doesn't always be this way. On a morning where I was feeling like a disaster, I started to think: why do we despair the confrontation so badly that we cannot rest without having it? Is it the fear to be misunderstood or not at all, or the hope that maybe it would change things? Do we really want it for ourselves or just to prove the other that we actually worth something? 

I was feeling dreadful because I realized that I was not acting the way I was feeling for a remarkable amount of time. As I called my best friend to just shit about everything she awakened me by saying, 'Stop creating a life for yourself where you go around in the same circles. Haven't we talked about this? Wasn't it clear for you, what you want and how you want it? Then why are you acting just the opposite?' What was I trying to gain from going through an experience for the 100th time and expecting a different result out of it? It is a consequence of me acting unthoughtfully for just one night and then obsessing over what happened that one day - things I did not expect at all. Then I started to get paranoid: what the other party thought about me? How was I seemed? What's gonna happen next? Why do I feel like I am back in high school again? Why do I fantasize things out of a little, tiny happening? I went to my therapist, begging for advice on how to see things differently. She relieved me by saying that it is all normal, I feel this way because I am a human-being, especially when something happens when you least expect it there is nothing more normal to get so freaking excited over it. For one day I managed to live up to my feelings, enjoyed it while it lasts - been a very fucking long time since I last felt this way, you know I am telling you I was back in high school again. My therapist warned me that me that feeling these is normal, but me trying to suppress it and feel bad about it is the problematic part. Because I was (still am) so sure that in the end it wouldn't end up well at all, which made me feel stressed and anxious and in the end it caused me to betray myself by acting the opposite of how I was feeling. I could keep living up to my feelings but instead I ignored them and act as if I was just cool about everything - sassy, free-spirited, doesntgiveashit me. It didn't help anything at all, instead everything got worse. As the days went by I felt more shit, more out of center, more mistakes more dreams more living in my head, more guilt more disappointment and more... sorrow over things that did not even actually happen and will never be. Maybe that was the point. Because I acted so out of myself I felt so guilty and angry to myself that, I just ended up turning things around in the wrong way and sabotaged the whole situation to not ever happen again. I was literally sitting in my room crying out of the things I was feeling - 'I know you don't want it, but you are not that 15 years old girl anymore, you are an adult, you can handle it, you got this, everything will be okay' I was talking to myself, as I was doing my makeup for another night out just to not miss out if anything would happen ever again. I didn't even feel like going out that night. But here I was looking out in the crowd just to see if... that one of the parties is there. What a pathetic, humiliating, downgrading act. 'Why are you recreating the life you ran away from?' My bestie asked me. Well, I really didn't know. 

One thing happened, and then a lot of things happened in my head, and then I cut it off for good in the end. I have been dying for a confrontation for the last two days. Because I know I was not actually myself the whole time, I know things hasn't discussed is just bothering me, I know my eyes are just round the corner in everywhere I go. I also know they could think I'm a freak, that I'm inconsistent and not obvious at all, but what the hell at this point. I, just, need, that confrontation. I was thinking. 

But just today I realized, I don't actually need it at all, I just want it because I wanna see how things would go after having it; but what the hell at this point: I know enough to know that if someone wants something they get it. And I cannot just flow, wait, 'see how it goes', I am a person of action and impatient and anxious and sensitive and feel so strongly and all that - I accept it. That's why even having a confrontation wouldn't help anything, I felt how I felt anyway. What's done is done. No stepping back from it. There's no point. 

I just needed to confront myself and accept that I do indeed need sharing, intimacy, drinks sitting at the high chairs of a bar, quality chat, 'what have you been doing until this age?' kind of getting to know someone and someone to get to know me, reading with a chai tea, talking shits about different tastes and jokes about insecurities, jumping into ideas with equal excitements: I just need to accept and be accepted. And put my fucking fear or pride or 'I should act cool' belief aside and just ACCEPT how I really feel. That is the only confrontation I need. Let's hope it will all turn out good in the end, and thank to the other party of this story for that magical night; appreciate that it happened and reminded me that I still do have feelings. 

artwork from Tyler Spangler

on open relationships

A guy approached me the other day, when I was working at this cafe. His opening line was how beautiful my eyes are (lack of creativity), we had a small talk on where I'm from (what a convo starter), then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. (Well, he was good looking and native Spanish speaker; someone I could practice to) He texted me that night and we met after two days. 

The moment we met I knew it wasn't gonna happen, well in the cafe when he approached me I was sitting and couldn't really tell how tall he was; apparently we are the same height, and I cannot do with that. But still, I was there; wouldn't hurt to have a chat and make new friends. We sat at this restaurant and talked about our lives; apparently he was 35, traveling around and all that. In the middle of our conversation, he told me like, 'I just want to be completely honest with you. I am in a relationship for 5 years. Because I started traveling, we turned it into an open relationship. She is back home and here I am, sitting with you. I'd regret it if I didn't come up to you, but I think you should know this.' I thanked him and appreciated his honesty, I friendzoned him the moment I met him already so no worries at all. In the end I found myself giving advices to him on how to make the relationship better (they were also having issues he told me) how to spice things up maybe if he doesn't wanna call it off. We sat for about an hour more and then I goodbyed him home (probably forever because I was not interested at all and I was obvious about it). But it got me thinking. Can we think a little more on open relationships? 

In the majority of the population, relationships are between 2 people as if it's a rule: when I was working for a queer supporting company that gives advices to people about relationships; I was shocked on one revision I got; they told me to not use the phrase 'from the other person' because it refers that relationships are between two people but actually no; it can be between 3 or maybe even more (?). I also found it interesting to think about back then because we are just so programmed of thinking about relationships as monogamic, holy, enchanting experiences. I don't say this in a bad way, but is it the only way? That reminds me of that book I've read, a true story from a comic book writer; he only have sex with prostitutes for years. He find it comforting, safe, story-creating, he even had a serious relationship with one of them, he enjoys it the way it is. That book also changed my perspective on being with sex workers; well I still don't want to try it out but I am less judgmental. Because, there are always other ways to see things; the back of the medallion you know. In the movie of Xavier Dolan, 'Laurence Anyways'; a guy and a woman in a relationship but he wants to be a trans man, the movie is about how she supports him throughout the journey. Which is also very interesting, a very brave movie I recommend. 

Back to the subject. Being born and grown up in Turkey, especially in Turkish or most middle eastern cultures open relationships are not even considered. It is off the table, no matter what. General idea of it is, if you wanna f*ck other people let's break up. And I get that. Again, coming from a Turkish culture, jealousy is a big thing in relationships. I remember when I was head over heels for someone, I would stalk all the girls he follows on Instagram get even jealous when a girl puts her hand on his shoulder at a party or even envy his childhood friends because they got to see his journey as he grows up and become a man. You know, THAT type of possession in a way. So because of that, I guess half of my friends would execute me for what I'm about to say. But that's just what I think for now as a 26 years old woman still working on attachment. 

I think the way most people see open relationships are, in the perspective of a sexual connection and; they don't want to share the people they love the most with anybody else in a sexual way. And I totally get that. For women it's hard because we are very emotional creatures, I remember even to picture my boyfriend with someone else would tear up my eyes back then. For men it is also hard because they take this 'being with someone else' act too linked with their manhood, and they in a way feel less of a man when their girlfriend becomes with another. Which is totally normal, understandable, we are humans and we want things to ourselves. Maybe this is the 'normal' way. But what I think is, what if open relationships are a form of high love? There are some situations where you are married for 10 years and need a thrill or you have to live abroad for 2 years and we can all agree on distance relationships hardly work, in that type of situations what you normally do is breaking up. Makes sense. But maybe there is an other way, which is having an open relationship, which means you love the person so much and trust the connection between you two so much that, you are not even worried someone else can be the case or come between you two. Maybe you do the open relationship thing, to make it work. You have such a transparency, trust and love; you are willing to try it so that you don't lose each other. In a world where people think they 'belong' together it is a very hard concept to understand or even think; but we are not in 1950 anymore. We know that we don't own anyone. We know if something is off, then it's not gonna work because of the passive agressive acts, lies, fights, cheats. Instead of turning things toxic, why not be open and honest about it and TALK and TRY something out? Maybe open relationship owners know how to love unconditionally no matter what without putting the other person in a cage; freeing them and supporting them. Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'the other person', I keep forgetting that

I care about privacy, intimacy, specialty and all that but what I care about the most is the honesty and the connection so maybe, if we should, thinking things through and trying things out is not the worst thing in the world. Complicated, hurtful, challenging, but not the worst... So I shouldn't have freaked out when the guy told me about it. I shouldn't have said NEVER when my first boyfriend hypothetically asked if I would be ok with it. You know what they say, never say never. One does not die without experiencing the very thing they once criticized. Let's think things through without making it about us. 

on loss of purity & pursuing some

Do you remember the feeling in elementary school when, you get into a class and randomly select a seat, and your crush happens to sit next to you? That boiling feeling? Or the feeling when you sleep next to someone you love, as if nothing in life matters except that very moment? When you fall sleep in your father's arms? I feel like nowadays it is very hard to come across these types of vulnerable, fragile, naked feelings and I kinda miss that. 

I have met one of my exes the other day, just to see how it will go - no expectations, nothing. I am usually friends with my exes, like not actually see them regularly but if something comes up we be there for each other, we catch up sometimes as friends, because you know there is history and even tho the relationship ends, the value you put in that person doesn't - at least not for me, for the sake of good times. He was very special to me back then, and I felt the safest with him, he expanded my spectrum of emotions in both ways, he got me go through some emotions I don't even know existed. So I respect him a lot. Even tho what we had is gone and faded away already, I had sometimes thought of what we had. And in life, I would sometimes go back and think about 'what if's, making predictions about the future, the potential of us ending up together, idealizing and fantasizing about what we had back then which was basically years ago. I was wondering if I was doing it because I want those feelings or I want him back, even tho the answer is pretty clear, I needed to face it. Because it is tiring to have such thing in life; even the closure has been done years ago; the closure in you takes more time and sometimes never happens: and I hate open doors, half eated chocolates, maybe's, complications. I need solidity in my life, at least for now at this moment. 

So we met and had a couple of drinks, talked about our lives and families, this and that, I couldn't help but analyzing him, the situation, myself at the same time when I was there talking to him. I am sure it was just a meeting with an old pal for him and he didn't put such thoughts on it as me (which is okay) but you know, I like to get deep on experiences to really understand myself in the end so, I did think about it. In the end, he was still the same in some ways and very different in others; but my fantasy has gone. It felt amazing to face the fact that he is someone different now, I am completely something else than I was back then; and it would never work out, it never will, what a relieving thing to face. Like a nice, big sigh; you know? So I was super glad and happy, to get it out of my system. But I was also a bit sad. 

I was sad because, you know all the 'pure feelings' I was talking about in the beginning, he was the one who got me feeling them the most and, since then I never had those again. Now that I know it was not about him, and it will never be again, I really don't know if I'll ever be able to catch those feelings. Maybe they go away with age, how could I know? Maybe they belong to the immaturity, craziness selves who just don't know so much yet, ready to jump in, without predictions and knowledge - maybe it takes arrogance to feel those pureness. Maybe the more you know, the more you become kind of numb to these type of feels. (In the end all good love songs was written before the age of 30 I guess, see Jeff Buckley or Kurt Cobain)

I try to accept, as in everything, what my life, age and environment has to offer. I try to embrace, with good and bad, but noone ever told me it would be this hard to find some 'real' stuff as you grow up. Maybe it is only my experience, but I really find it hard to resonate with the crew as I go on; no judgments but young adult girls in their late teenage phase, men in mid-life crisis trying to party and have sex every day to feel young again, boys without an aim working in boring jobs and wanna have all the fun in the world to balance out that boredom, it's just so much to deal and soak in with. Me on the other hand, having a hard time trying to understand what I actually need, while I let life toss me around like a leaf; I try to stay centered and solid within myself.

It helps to talk with old friends, listen to my old songs, face the little girl in me I started healing this year. All this anger, envy, the need of attention comes from her; and I love her, she's just seeking what she needs to survive as a little neglected girl; I just need to remind myself sometimes I am not 'just' that girl anymore. Despite everything, sometimes I still miss just being her.

my 2024 resolutions

When people started sharing their 2023 resolutions at the end of the year, I realized I wasn't doing this at all. There is a memory in my mind about a time when I did this, the New Year's Eve that connects 2020 to 2021; we wrote down what we wanted to do that year on a piece of paper, put it in a drawer, and decided to look at it 6 months later. (We didn't do it & they never happened.) I remember writing things like learning French and traveling to somewhere else; considering the time and conditions back then, it doesn't feel like very reasonable goals when I think about it now. I never did this in the following years, it never even occurred to me; I think I haven't wanted anything from life or myself for a long time. The wish I make on my birthdays is always the same: Thank God for everything, I hope I continue to live a healthy life with my loved ones. (Thankfully, it turns out true.)

This year, while I was reading people's 2023 resolutions, I also started to observe myself and question why I didn't do this. The answer was very simple: when I set a goal for myself, I am so afraid of not accomplishing it, of failing, that I allow my dreams and desires to float in the void and vanish away over time. In fact, I take it one step further and assign responsibility to divine timing as if THEY WILL HAPPEN AT THE RIGHT TIME. It is not in my interest to actively take action to achieve my goals. I don't want to get too hard on myself at this point, I have been studying/working very intensively for about 7 years; I don't know if I create this intensity for myself because I can't stay idle, but this year, I started to experience leaving myself alone for a bit. Besides that, I also feel like this year is my year to take action, it's like I've reached the end of my patience and can no longer keep anything in my life that doesn't bring me incredible joy, I have no tolerance for postponing anything, I can't accept broken promises made to me, I can't just sit back on the things I said I would do. I'm moving on, I don't want to promise something I won't take action on. I want to be able to take intentional, logical steps rather than making unplanned, instinctive, emotional decisions. Rather than accepting my habits that have been around for years and not trying to change them, I choose to push myself and experience a different world. That's why I'm overcoming this fear of failure and creating a 2024 resolutions list for myself. Let's go.

To release at least one more song.
Thinking that it would motivate me, I published the songs I had made years ago, bought myself a midi keyboard, changed the strings of my guitar, and at one point I even started a music production course; I don't want any of my efforts, dreams or thoughts to be left unfinished anymore. While singing is the thing that I most feel like me in life, I don't want to postpone it any longer. My current thought is to collaborate with a producer and make a song together, but let's see, I'm open to what life will bring and I'm excited for it.

Djing in at least one event.
As someone who has been listening to sets while working for years, I find this process very enjoyable. I've been vibing to DJs for years, and I want to experience being on the other side of the deck just once. I imagine having a private party with my close friends at our favorite rooftop bar, me playing funky songs to the people I love. Why don't we do any concept parties anymore? We urgently need to bring back this habit.

Traveling to at least 2 countries.
At the moment I think it would be Indonesia or Mexico, and recently the idea of Albania was added to this list. Maybe Thailand? I don't know. But, after rooting until June, I wanna be on the move.

Conducting at least one workshop.
I started this year with the desire to make an impact, I don't know where this idea came from. Before, I never had an urge to give workshops, train people or teach them something, in short, SPREADING THE KNOWLEDGE. But this year, I increasingly feel like leading people and adding value. Big or small, I want to gather people together and allow different minds to exchange with each other.

Accepting being a grown up and making peace with growing old.
I think this will be the hardest resolution of all; But I hope I will achieve this too.

Above all, I want to do more things that make my heart melt this year. I want to experience more of the things like, when I think of it, I just feel a warmth spreading through my heart; like living in Barcelona, spending my days highly productive, connecting with like-minded people, reuniting with the ones I care. I care about sharing, understanding, intention, compassion and connection more this year.

I just need to wake up and start doing things.

doubt is the only thing I don't carry to 2024

Coming from a year of growth, questions, self-centering & figuring out, then demolishing; I feel light starting this year: less depending, less demanding; more aware & welcoming.

Life has become simpler when I discovered every itch I have in my heart comes from two things: it is either when things are not the way I want/planned them to be; or because I doubt something in the situation. I doubt that things will go my way, I doubt myself to be good enough to achieve something, doubt the person in front of me to be good enough to give me what I want, doubt the colleague to be good enough to serve my needs, doubt that the circumstances will turn out in the way that I'd get what I want from the start. Even when I am so sure of myself, one tiny distortion that would give me a sense of doubt and unsecurity in a situation; I know that it has a potential to grow, take over and destroy everything. 

Life and exploring myself is a never ending journey that is fluid, on-going, never ending; I am noone to take control. The relationships I have made (not romantically) and the achievements I have gained have led me to a point where, I finally discovered that doubt has no role in the life I'm living. I let it happen instead of trying to figure it out. I give space to myself to feel things I don't make sense, I let that moment happen to me; I finally let life happen to me instead of trying to make it happen. 

I have trust that in the end everything happens on behalf of me; not against me. I don't pressure myself, I try to leave myself alone intentionally every time; because I also know how unstable I can be. This has also caused me to no longer be angry at situations and other people, I am experiencing being accepting; While I am a very impatient and controlling person, right now just by being sure of only myself and the steps I take, by allowing everything that happens around me to stay with me at its own pace or to vanish away, I believe that over time I will create the best scenario for myself. 

Sometimes I find myself disturbed by a situation that I cannot make sense, and in contrast sometimes I feel very peaceful as if everything is possible in life in a conversation or in the presence of a person. My mind's first reaction is to assign a thing to those feelings to validate them. In order to justify those feelings that I cannot understand, I try to make up a cover for them or ignore them and not dwell on them. I promise myself to stop doing this in 2024.

As long as I am sure of myself, what is good for me and what serves the points I want to achieve about myself; As long as I feel that I am on the right path, every step I take, every emotion I feel, every positive or negative result is valid; and I am happy with life as it is, trying to build it with all my being so that it gets better every day.

I'm happy as long as there are people around me who gets my question marks. I am happy with me being alone, knowing that farewells open the door to new beginnings. I am very happy with me being with someone('s), knowing that my presence and absence lead to different blessings. By keeping my being at ease and my heart open and light; I embrace this year.

oturan kişiliğimi ayaklandırmam üzerine

“Ne kadar aptalmışım” Her sene, geçen seneki halimi düşününce söylediğim o cümle. Bir yandan bunun rahatsızlığını yaşarken, bir yandan da ne kadar büyüdüğümü ve geliştiğimi yeniden anlamamı sağlayan o cümle. Bu kadar değişen, dönüşebilen bir varlıkken; kim olduğumuzdan emin olduğumuzu, belli bir yaşa gelince kişiliğimizin -en azından bir kısmının- oturmuş olduğunu düşünmemiz ne kadar adil? Oturmuş kişilik ne demek? Acaba bu, kim olduğumuza dair sınırlar çizdiği için rahatlatıcı mı yoksa aslında sınırlayıcı da olabilir mi? “Ben böyleyim” diyip işin içinden çıktığımız durumlardan çok daha fazlası var gibi burada. 

Çocukluğum, ailem, arkadaşlarım, yaşadıklarım, iz bıraktığım coğrafyalar; kim olduğumun ve nasıl bu olduğumun en büyük eşlikçileri ve katkı değerleri. Onlar sayesinde, onlar yüzünden, ne olduğumu düşünüyorsam o olmuşum bugün. Muhtemelen bir sene sonraki Aralık’ta da bugünkü ben’e karşı şefkatle bakıp onu toy göreceğim. 25 oldum bu yıl, çeyrek asırdır sürdürdüğüm hayatımda bazen 7’mde neysem 25’imde de o olduğumu hissediyorum. Bazense böyle, bir yıla kalmadan, aptalca bulabiliyorum kendimi. Bir gün doğru bir davranış sergilediğim için (kime göre, neye göre’ye girmeyeceğim) kendimle gurur duyarken, ertesi gün 7’mde ne hissediyorsam 25’imde de onu hissettiğimi gözlemleyebiliyorum. 

Nasıl da yönetiyor hayatımı bu tanıdık hisler, aynı şeyleri tekrar tekrar yaşamama sebep oluyor: ama ben her seferinde farklı çıkarımlar yapıyorum; çünkü birinde 16’yım, birinde 22, birinde 25. Hepsinin kaynağı aynı, yorumu farklı. Dersi farklı, çözümü aynı. Kendime daha da tutunmamı sağlayan (/neden olan) bu çözümler (sonuçlar) artık beni rahatsız etmeye başladı, çünkü tekrara düşüyorum. (Ve ben, rutinden/tekrardan/tekdüze olan her şeyden nefret eden biri-yim :) 

25 yaşındayım: kendimi tanımladığım bazı kelimeler var. Benimsediğim, kabullendiğim, kabul gördüğüm, tanındığım ve bilindiğim o kelimeler. Kendimi seviyorum, ama tekrara düştüğümü hissettiren o şeyler bana bir şeylerin değişmesi gerektiğinin sinyallerini veriyor. Böylece, tekrar, kendi üzerimde çalışmaya ve kendimi dinlemeye başlıyorum. 

Düşüncelerimi izlemeyi öğreniyorum mesela, tepkisel davranmamayı öğreniyorum (halbuki duygularını uçlarda yaşayan ve yüksek tepkiler veren biriyim). Bedenim, yüzüm, mimiklerim olmadığımı; hepsinin ardındaki bilinç olduğumu devamlı hatırlatıyorum kendime. (Oysa ki dış görünüşüne çok önem veren biriyim.) Sinirlendiğim zamanlarda kendimi duygularıma kaptırıp kırıcı davranmamayı deneyimliyorum. (Çabuk sinirlendiğim ve çabuk sakinleştiğim söylenir.) Yani söylemek istediğim; değişimin kaçınılmaz -ve hatta şu noktada gerekli- olduğunun farkında olarak; olduğum kişi’den (ya da olduğumu düşündüğüm) beni uzaklaştırdığı endişesiyle değişime direniyorum. (Rutinden nefret edermişimmişim. Neden mesela? İlk kaç yaşında nefret ettim rutinden, buna karar verdim? Hala neden bu inanca sarılıp bunu KARAKTERİM yapıyorum?) Tutunduğum kendim, bildiğim büyüttüğüm var ettiğim yarattığım yaratılan kusursuz olmasa da “ben” olduğu için, ve ben olmak dışında hiçbir şey olmayı bilmediğim için, kendimi geliştirme motivasyonuyla çıktığım bu yolda yapıtaşlarımı değiştirerek ilerlemem gerektiği için AŞIRI KORKUTUCU BİR HAL ALDI. 

Ama maksimum ne olabilir, ne kadar değişirsem değişeyim hala beynime ve sevdiklerime sahip olucam, beğenmezsem bir daha değiştiririm kendimi. Oturmamış mı oluyo acaba şimdi kişiliğim anlamıyorum ki. Dolanmayı seviyo galiba.

Değişmeyen tek şey değişimdir, klişesiyle 2023’e ve 2023 İrem’ine veda ediyorum. 2024 süper olacak, böyle gidersem ben de ya süper olurum ya da kafayı kırıp nefes koçu falan olurum herhalde. Olmak ya da olmamak; bütün mesele bu değil mi zaten. 

what my last disappointment taught me

Long story short: I am saying forever goodbye to predictions & getting caught in the illusion of age. 

When I was 21 and the person I fell in love with was 27, in our break-up talk he was super logical on the topic about our age difference and saying things like « You have a lot to experience, you will realize that this is not actually what you want » and he was absolutely right. Over time I thanked him more than enough to dump me back then so that I had the life I had and now I am way more close to knowing what I actually want. When you are in your 20’s, life flows really fast: days go by so fast, there are lots of things to do & many places to see & tons of people to meet. You get to experience A LOT. Many many things happen to you, you happen to many many people and in the end you create yourself a life that directs you to the next moment, next day, next month, next year- next age. 

I always tend to underestimate people that are younger than me (bullshit) because obviously I think I have more experience than them (another bullshit). I am likely to show more respect to the people that are older than me (not fair) because I think they have experienced it allllll, the older the wiser (biggest bullshit in the whole wide world). 

I came to a realization that it doesn’t matter if you travel the world, lose 10 people, kill someone, finish 2 degrees or go crazy: what you have done never really matters. What matters is what you got out of it. What it got you, where it got you mentally, what do you feel about it all now. Basically consideration and the act of thinking about it consciously. 

So the Instagram posts of the cities you’ve been, along with your age, is just an illusion. Having 3 serious relationships doesn’t show that you know how to behave well in a relationship or how to be a great girlfriend. Studying music doesn’t mean you’re good at it. Being rich doesn’t mean you know how to earn money. It is all predictions based on one’s past or experiences and it is something that is very hard to actively remember but I hope with practice I will learn not to do it again. 

Here I am, at 3am writing these in the need of getting things out and done in my head; because I made the same mistake again. I thought (maybe desperately hoped) for such person to act in a certain way (sane, reasonable, mature, like a fucking grown up) because WHY NOT? How am I 24, this aware of myself and how can people not be, at the age of 32, 35, 38? Because I think things through, I spend time trying to understand myself, my world around me, my thoughts and emotions and I check in with myself, I observe. How can people not do that and live that long? What have you been doing your whole life? What experience of you is, really real? How do you even consider yourself as YOU if you have no fucking clue about it? 

Dropping the mic… Thank you for listening. Hope to meet in happy stories really soon. <3 

how I turned into barney stinson and realizing it made me wanna change it

For more than a year now, I have been so busy focusing on myself: connecting with my true self, creating a life that feels like me, doing things that reflect me, getting myself a job that is in my own terms, finishing my Masters degree, figuring out my up's and down's and how to handle it all etc... Which thankfully led me to this point of where I am finally sure of myself - maybe a bit too much. 

While dealing with all these technical sides of getting things done, I saw my need for other people vanishing away to a degree of which I don't even take people seriously anymore. When I have my family and friends besides me, I don't need a third party. I cannot think of having another one in my life that fills my thoughts, my nights, my free time - I feel like I would always have better things to do and think of. 

It's been like this for a certain time now. I don't like CARE CARE about anybody, I tend to approach them for only physical reasons. I just wanna feed my need for attention, and obviously other needs of mine, and that's all. I don't even have a type anymore - because I don't believe in such thing. I believe in the timing, the match of needs and the separation. It is the realistic point of view which was super beneficial for me. 

Obviously I enjoyed it. I love being on my own, staying with myself. I hate the question 'You are such a pretty girl, why are you alone?' It's not like something is wrong with me, I PREFER it to be this way. I almost always felt like other people tend to be more shallow than me so I wouldn't be able to hold a joyful conversation with them so why would I even try. I remember thinking to myself after an incident, 'Why do I care so much about men being intelligent before interacting with them? In the end what I want is certain, and for that I don't even need them to be intelligent, I don't see it ahead. Men doesn't even worth it anyways most of the time, so why would I even turn off myself because of that?' Yes, I am that low expectation oriented towards men. And it was not even from a cocky point of view, I was just not limiting myself as I used to be. Because I used to tend to turn off by literally the smallest things. But I have been going with the flow and I have been experimenting - I really see it all as experiments because when feelings are not involved, it is just you testing things out with different ingredients and backgrounds and seeing the result (or usually getting bored before seeing the result and then THAT is the result.) I was so happy that I, now, am a woman who is rarely affected by what is going on around and always finds her way back to being the center of her life. So happy to not link my happiness over a man or a text message, so happy to be able to read people before interacting with them, to influence my girls to be the same. For twice or three times, I have been announced by some men to be 'the free, independent, libertarian friend of girls' when they heard my advices to my friends. (What an honor for me!!!) I was just speaking my own truth and trying to encourage them to leave their toxic relationship. I enjoyed it tho, being seen as this strong ass woman, switching from being Carrie to Samantha (from SATC) which sometimes even scared people off from approaching to me! I think it was the point where it got a bit out of hands. 

I started to overreact on the inside when I hear a friend of mine talking about some boy that she just met, as if it was the love of her life, after the first date. I judged her: how could she feel this way? I even pitied her, how was she 29 and still liking people over a NEED? Because that was my inference, if you like someone this much right away you are nothing but a pathetic loser who just needs to be loved. My inner voice was so cruel on unconditionally, stupidly falling for someone: it was just none sense and childish and sad.

I was walking down the streets on one of my rainy days, I saw a text message of some guy I've seen once or twice, offering a meeting to make me feel better. I texted back, saying that I am on my period. And he was like, 'It doesnt have to be the only reason that we meet?' There it hit me that, while I was looking down on people thinking they are superficial and I cannot connect with them emotionally; I became one of those superficial people by looking at them only for the obvious reasons. The whole time I was so sure that they see me the same way I was seeing them, it never occured to me that maybe they would want something more. It was also a rebellious side of me showing the world that women also are able to not care and ditch you off and use you and not call you back and so on. Because we are. We are not DEFAULTLY emotional or caring or vulnerable. We CHOOSE to be that way - and when we choose the other way, me happens. Anyways, when I started thinking about why - why I enjoy being single this much or why I freak out when I even think about catching feelings. The reason was super obvious. I am so fucking scared and I don't even know why. The fear of getting hurt doesn't make sense at all. The fear of going through something that there is not even a possibility to go through it is just PHENOMENONALLY HILAROUS. I don't know how to deal with or overcome this one. I don't even know if I can or if I should. When I think back of the times where I was going through the hardest break-up of my life, I was so positive on me never loving anyone again and situation shows I am still true to my word - not consciously. I hate to admit it but I guess I have turned myself into one egocentric superficial emotion-less carefree son of a bitch. 

While I enjoy being that, especially towards men where it is usually the other way around, I guess I've reached my saturation point. Because even tho it is super good and healthy to feed my ego, I think it's fed enough now and I don't want it to get fat. It is in good shape now and let's just keep it that way. (Blame my gin tonic for this sense of humor) Fuck that TV show, I started watching Normal People about a week ago. It reminded me how it feels like to be in a relationship. You know that little moves when you sleep together the positions you grow over time, the vulnerable moments shared together, tough times handled together, the care and love for each other and the ways to show it... Sadly, it was the last trigger of mine to kinda get away from that carefree side of me which I was building up for a year now. 

I think I really got what I needed. The experiences, the thrill, all the things I wanted for them to happen and all others which I wouldn't even imagine but happened to me; I am grateful for all. I am 25 in a month and 24 has been an extraordinary, amazing journey. But I guess what I need is slowly shifting as I am getting closer to my new age. (It's not that I care that much about ages but it just makes sense to me somehow now) I don't wanna feel sexy as a priority, I wanna feel cozy. I don't want desire as the first thing, I want connection and care. (But fuck its also important. I guess I want it all:( ) I don't wanna judge people by their looks, because I am (always been) aware that it's just flesh and bones. I am still very hesitated over catching feelings but realizing the source of why I was SO OBVIOUSLY avoiding them gave me relief and made me feel more open towards changing and solving that fearful side of me. And I never wanna use this fear as an excuse for anyone, towards anyone for any kind of my behaviors because I know how painful it could be. It is time for me to delete all the useless contact cards on my phone so I don't booty call, to say no to some of my friends so I don't get super wasted, to write more, to stay in my room more, to keep loving myself and honoring my loved ones and just live in indefinite peace. 

on being in a cocoon & the will to be a butterfly

We were walking. We were 5. We were headed somewhere where we just lay back and enjoy our company. I was starting to feel a thing inside me which bothers me but not on the surface, I was wondering if it would pass or it would just spread to my whole night. 

It didn't begin right away, it was there before we were headed too. A feeling of hesitation. A feeling of confusion, the confusion between how it used to feel like and now it feels now. There were so much that I would like to share but something in me just kept me in a way that I just couldn't. A feeling of lack of matter, as if it won't matter if I share or not, it won't even make a difference if I was there or not. 

We sat, I was just not feeling in the moment. Something in me was bothering me that, I just don't matter that much anymore, what was happening was just a matter of habit, as if they were just keeping up with me, as if it was just a learnt act that we gather and enjoy time - out of habit & obligation. In the littlest things you notice life and I felt like a number, a plus one which was okay in some ways. When I remembered back how I usually feel in my daily life nowadays it was just way below the level, insecure, worthless, not even concrete but as a gas if it makes sense. It didn't start right away. It was already boiling in me for a month now. 

I wanted to go to the toilet and she kept me company. I didn't need it but you know, it's just the way it is, it's a act better as a duo when you are in a group. We were approaching to this bar nearly closed, I knew they wouldn't let strangers in but somehow I also knew we were going to get in. So we did. At first he didn't wanna let us be in, then he was like, Get in but I didn't see you. And then we were in. I was feeling really out of place, in my mind, somewhere else. It was a feeling of not belonging, a feeling of nostalgia when you haven't actually left yet but you know you are about to so you just soak in the moment but also realizing that now those moments are not the same as it used to be anymore. It just didn't make sense. I turned up my phone and took some notes when I was feeling shocked by the fact that I knew we were gonna be in and we somehow did. Why would it matter to me? Ho would I know that? How would I know that? How would I not feel belong here? 

The signs around me slap in my face as messages nowadays. The theme is to live self-centric. Which I enjoy, I put up a hard work to get myself here. And I am super content with it: with myself, with how I guide my life, with how I communicate with others, how I connect with the people around me. But it is not one sided so it causes troubles some times and I tend to avoid connecting with those who would cause me trouble in the long term, I tend to keep my circle close & tight and I enjoy that. But then something happens, my best friend yells at me for not showing my love enough, all of a sudden I go back to a memory of mine which I felt safe and loved, I feel guilty over a night where I could spend with family instead I went and got drunk with a friend; they collect and collapse on me as a remorse to prove me wrong, to tell me that I am not acting healthy. 

Yesterday I came back to the city I've been living in for the last 6 years, I took a bath and when I was taking a bath I realized a thought. A weird feeling. I thought, it is so weird that, you feel more at home in a place which you made out of nothing, than the house you've grown in. Yet here today, I find myself feeling the exact opposite. What can I do, what can I say? There is a side in me which I cannot tame, I cannot put behind cages and it's started to hunt me whatever I do now. 

We came back, we started to collaborate. I started talking about somewhere I would like to be. Yes, I am sorry, I would much prefer the thrill over this weird connection I was feeling between us which feels - not right. In a way. Then the song started to play. You're on your own, in a world you've grown. I didn't know if it was me feeling too much or the ones around me feeling too little. I dissociated and I felt like I am in an indie movie. Camera turns to me in slow motion, the volume increases, close up to my looks, then it turns to the environment I am in, then to me again, the songs captures you. Is this darkness or the dawn? 

Then we left. The feeling was at its peak. It hadn't started right away. I know it way too good. I've lived with it for years before. All those times I felt there was something wrong with me, in me. But it was not about it. It was not about me being wrong, or them being wrong. It was just because we were on different frequencies in life, enjoying different things,  I care in the other way around. I was just waiting for the moment where I am home by myself digesting all. The feeling you cannot escape, the feeling you just want so badly to escape but once it surrounds you you give in and you act on that. 

I knew, for sure, after that night that it was time for me to get the hell out of this place.

why I fancy people I fancy

Song

There I was, feeling surprised in the morning of how things turned out to be; I had no clue back then that I’d still be thinking of him as days pass by. “How did we get here?” I was thinking, because things did not happen in the sequence that I am accustomed to. You know the generic pattern, you see someone you find them attractive and you wonder about them. This time it was the other way around, we met in a social space where we also met 100 other people, we became friends and shared moments together, gradually one thing let to another and it just turned out to be a kind of… love, for me, I guess. Stupidly, even now when I think of the moments we shared one-to-one I feel like I’m about to cry. It is not that I am sad or sorry, it is because the feeling is so high that it tries to find a way to get out of my body and I feel like crying.

Such a feeling, ha? It is not like I experience it every day. It is funny how you have no idea where & when the spark would shine. Maybe that is the beauty of it. Something we have no control of. Something beautiful & frustrating.

Why do I fancy people that I fancy? It is a question I ask myself from time to time, to have a better understanding of the roots of my behaviors & desires. Obviously the reason I fancy people changes, but I’ve found it interesting enough to share how I feel about it at this time of my life. 

I recognized a repeating act of me when it comes to feel “high” on people, the people which I felt the spark with, I noticed some similarities of those people: 1. We get to to spend 2-3 days together and then they go away. 2. We usually happen to live in different countries / cities. So the common theme is: they last short and they don’t have a chance to grow big. 

Before, I was thinking, obviously it was because we spend so little time together (so we know little about each other and there is a blissful side of short things as we all aware of) but then I proved myself wrong: I don’t feel the spark AFTER we separate. I feel it during. So it is not correct.

Then, I put down the possibility of me making up things that I don’t know about them in a way that would make me want them more, there was times when I was doing that but no, I don’t do that anymore. I just see what people show me and don’t try to guess up the rest or look for something behind their actions. So, this also, goes off the table.

Then I thought, maybe it is a self sabotage I do to myself subconsciously; I LET myself feel the spark because deep down I know it’s not gonna last. That made sense, because I tend to do this: ending things when it is at their best to remember it in that great way. (It works for me to think like that) For a while I was convinced that it was the reason and I went by with it.

But what I realized lately, as I was reading a blog of a British girl talking about happenings in her life, I read something as this: “Think of relationships as sand or water. Every relationship has their own shape, your relationship with your mother is a shape, sisterhood another shape, your relationship with your bestie is a best friend shaped relationship.” What if you just do not pour down the sand in any shape? It just flows and scatters, spills literally everywhere. I realized, I feel the most comfortable in communications that are not defined by any shape, mindset, forcing or geography. That’s the area I am more likely to feel the spark.

With all those people who I felt the spark with and then needed to leave, the spark I felt was not because we got to spend short time together or not about my ambivalent attachments towards them. It was, a bit about something we just can’t explain (call it energy, call it fate) and a little bit because we put no boundaries, lines, promises between us & we just became ourselves as we are, living in that moment as how we felt guided moments, we just bounded, connected, made the best out of it & then had to move on with our lives. We didn’t pour the sand in any shape, so the sand spread, twirling between our bodies, scattered into both of our lives. And it became… us. We became the sand. We carry it around wherever we go now, when we think of each other. 

As a person who would once need reassurance, trust, approval all the time; I now enjoy living in the undefined in such uncertainty. Because I am enjoying myself above all other things. As long as I feel that way, I don’t need the reassurance of tomorrow because I don’t even care. 

So yeah, safe to say that I fancy people that I could freely run in the wild mountains with, that would not limit who I am but to add more to it, that we wouldn’t put our sand in our pockets or limit it with any shape but we spread the sands wherever we are & the world would shine because of the sand we spread together. 

And yeah, I still think of him from time to time as weeks passed by. I put on the song I was so surprised he knew, think of how we danced to it as he sang it. I stupidly feel hot in my cheeks, a weight in my chest. I wish the best for him and keep moving on.

 

I got a new eye serum about a week ago & I have been super excited to do my skin care routine before bed at night. I cannot wait to see its effects on my circles, how the purple liquid in the bottle would slowly decrease in time and leave all the healing minerals on my skin. Today I also got a new tonic enriched with hyaluronic acid and it’s super effective and it is well proven and now that I have it I am also super, uber excited to keep up with my skin care routine before bed.

This pattern feels very familiar; every time I get new things I am super excited to try them on: I get a book and I immediately start reading. I get a lipstick & I forget about all the lipsticks I have in my drawer. I get a pair of shoes and if they are comfy enough all my other shoes come second. But then again… I fuck the shoes up and they don’t look new after a month, I lose the lipstick, I never finish the book & I am never good at keeping up with my skincare routine for long. 

The charm of “new” always triggers my curiousity, yet almost never enough to keep me up there. It’s like when you meet someone new, the thrill that keeps you up at night slowly decrease - if not combined with other thrills that follow the first one. The joy, the tendency slowly fades away as days go by & as the mean you put onto it doesn’t feel like that much anymore. 

So is the life, passing by with circular- not circular, spiral patterns showing itself in your new eye serum, lipstick, unexpected crush. Is “the will” enough to keep them as exciting to you, or is it nothing to do with it at all? 

...so I stopped daydreaming

As a single woman who is counting down to 25, I finally relate to HIMYM’s Robin as she says “Guys are like the subway. You miss one, another comes along in five minutes.”

I don’t know if it is me maturing, me working my ass off to build the life I dream of, me getting sick of disrespect, me appreciating else things way better as I used to do; but there has been a remarkable shift in my priorities for the last couple of months. I take no shit, I feel more grounded than ever, I could win prizes for my performance in sustaining my energy and I feel at peace.

I don’t wait around for something to happen to make me happy, I don’t force, I don’t chase - not in the sense of Tom chasing Jerry. While maintaining my peace of mind, there is no room in my mind to think about the coulda woulda been’s - I love it.

I stay true to myself, observe around, check in with myself while in the moment going through things and recognize the little “!!!” moments which make my heart beat, and which don’t.

To change something, first you gotta realize it; but realizing is never enough to change the pattern of the behaviour. Tho it can help preventing yourself from going to wrong directions, or just give you the chance to choose to commit a mistake, if any. Discovering yourself is an endless journey and being a single woman, in the city that never sleeps, serves my journey perfectly. I got countless chances to meet countless people, as I got as cautious as I could ever be. Knowing what I wanted has never been easy as my mind changes as I change my nail polish, but at least now I have some sure thoughts on what I don’t want anymore, which is super relieving - not as practical. While having all the info I got: what I like, what I don’t like, what I don’t want, what I disguise; I sometimes have some gaps in understanding why I feel what I feel. Why I feel nothing to a person who seems perfect on paper, why I tend to run away when I see someone I was once interested in crushing on me, why I get shaky over a boy I’ve only seen twice but even a notification about him gives me a smile. How I’m drawn to his cocky, distant way of texting and not to the other one who seems to understand my tides and ready to serve(?) the world to me.

In each circumstance and to everyone I keep being me, being as true and natural as I could be; I don’t daydream or guess or even think about what they think about me anymore. I don’t force, I don’t bear, I don’t fake or I don’t take. I just try to understand the logic behind my “!!!” moments and hope, some time, somewhere, one of those countless people’s “!!!” moments happens to meet one of my “!!!” moments & the magic happens in my fairyland where everything feels like pink cotton candies. I know everything will turn my way, what’s mine will find me, without me making a hard effort getting it, everything is great as it is and there’s no reason for it to become more fabulous and dreamy and brilliant each and every day. 

on indecision & desperate insists

a thing has been on my mind for about a month now, and I feel like I need to get it done to get it over in my head. why this insist? isn't it weird, that, even if it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end, you want it to happen so badly just to go through it? what's it about actually? what's the source feeling in that? 

anyway, I woke up to a day which I don't wanna leave bed ever, which I ended up making it true. whiskey in my stomach, a bruise on my knee I don't remember happening, clothes on the floor type of day. I put my phone on airplane mode and caught up with some TV show I should've watched earlier, but couldn't find that spare time. my head empty, my mouth dry, gosh how I missed being this dump. 

at some point I turned on my phone, texted back to those. a friend of mine called me and invited me over to his house, such care in his tone of voice, with a sea view and food and beers - a friend whom I can talk about anything with ease, seeing the world through similar type of lenses. the invite was so appealing, despite my hungover. I also remembered, I thought to myself yesterday that, work-life does not limit what you could do on the weekends; it is YOU who limits you. because lately I often find myself canceling plans, saying "no" to events 'because I gotta work the next day'. or because 'one day isn't enough to recover from that type of night so let's call it off'. thinking ahead, thinking ahead, thinking ahead. then why bother living, if you gotta keep thinking of the next move, next day? so I kinda decided to, live weekends as they come, to not limit myself because of responsibilities - because they are not gonna go away. they are here to stay. till the day I die. I just gotta figure out a new way to live with them.

but I didn't feel like a chat at all, take a cab, go, get tired, come home late, sleep late, wake up restless, go through a big monday day, because I do have a lot to do tomorrow. and I care so I have to be keen-set. 

then another friend called, my best friend, wanted to see me today. I also wanted to see her too, but now that's plan 2, I was not even ready for plan 1, but I automatically made a plan in my mind which could perfectly work, if I were to be willing to step outside. 

I was still feeling empty-headed, talked away my sister saying "I am not in the mood for a chat", that's how much I didn't feel like chatting. I was tired, I needed a break, watching the love hexagon on that Netflix show in bed and not doing anything else felt more appealing to me than everything else. 

I tried to make a decision of stepping out or not for about 2 hours, it was just so hard to decide what to do. Because 1, if not today then it'll be the next weekend cuz weekdays are workdays, 2, "do I really wanna spend all day in bed?" yes. do I get the fear of missing out? yes. did I just feel bad because I kinda wanna act the opposite way I thought yesterday? yes because it is super inconsistent... and I hate inconsistency... yet here I am finding myself changing minds over A DAY... 

in the end, I called everybody off, still in bed, drinking my herbal tea & writing these. still got a headache, tho I feel great. sometimes while trying to decide to do the RIGHT thing & trying to make EVERY PERSONA in you happy; you just forget that there is no such thing as right nor keeping everyone happy. sometimes you just gotta listen to your guts and do whatever feels good to you, even if it means not leaving bed. 

even if it means forcing that one thing to happen desperately, even tho it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end??? not sure about that one

three shorties about sexual act

i fucking disappeared in my dream

One day, I woke up feeling traumatised and I got off the bed immediately to go to the office as earlier as I can. On my way to the office, I started remembering my dream. I was like a lecturer, giving speech about how women are not allowed to talk about sex as freely as men, cultural taboos towards it, how hard it is for us women to share what we think about any kind of sexual activity, how we suppress our feelings or just give an effort to not share any details of that part of our lives & how fucked up it is. Then, some earthquake happened, I remember everything falling apart in a way in a disaster or something, and I die. My dreaming mind and my conscious mind after waking up interpreted it this way: we are so repressed to talk about it that I was punished and died when I talked a little too much about it, even in a dream. Is that such a bad thing? Is that such a shameful, secret, private, sacred thing? How can something that you can shamelessly show and experience to a person you just met without any embarrassment makes you feel so bad, uncomfortable and out of the norm when you talk about it? There is something very vile, hypocritical, and unfair here. When it comes to showing our opinions openly and honestly on everything else, why do we all turn into ignorant apes when it comes to sex, as if that wasn't what sustains humanity and the reason that we all are here? I didn't see it, I didn't hear it, I don't know. I can't talk, I can't share; I cannot expose myself: but I also expect, I wish, I hope, I judge others on the subject. What kind of lack of character in this? And so I decided to be as open, transparent, and honest as possible about it, both to myself and to the world around me. 

do we want to make a terrible decision?

As I could still feel the presence of him in my thighs, I was having little flashbacks of 30 minutes ago where the world seemed natural, in the flow and I being in the moment. Maybe listening to your guts and not thinking it through is the way to work things out sometimes, it was too soon to tell. As I inhaled sitting at the back seat of the taxi I checked in only to find out the lightness of the feeling which comes when you feel when you did something just at the right time, at the right place, at the right day & with the right person. A safe, healthy trade where everything’s on the table and nothing there to guess. A mutual, happy transaction. I wonder how it will attract the rest. 

casual ones, gambling times

Once I met with one of my girls on an event we were attending to, she brought in a date with her. First date, he met with her close circle, she seemed joyful about it. He was super confident, we bounded super quickly & in a short time, with the help of some wine I was just telling her in front of him that, "I would like to see this guy again". 

Then I left off somewhere, the next day I met with her at mine for her to spill some tea. She seemed super intense about him. How their night went absolutely amazing, the way he treated her at bar & when they were behind closed doors. Everything seemed almost magical to be true, we both were so sure that there would be a definite second date, maybe a possible love-disaster, something strong, something that would last more than an hour; something that made her feel in a way. That made her heart beat. 

We were talking about all those possible scenarios, asking hypothetical questions; what if's & but if's. Tho it was pretty soon to talk about such topics, (cuz it's only been a date, right? Even if it felt great.) we were just going out and about every little detail - as we pretty much always do. 

Then what happened? He did not call again. For weeks, no clue about him. 

I couldn't help but think; what was it about sex that makes it right and done for men but makes it the opposite - the start, the beginning & the excite for women? 

I took a second to filter back through my life of wonder, I kinda have the opposite back behavior after something happens. I would have bestowed this event on that day, and with the thought of "it happened and it's over", I leave it on that day in order to remember the beautiful thing well, and try to continue my life as if it never happened, until the point I see a move from the person. 

Tho I am familiar with the feels of attachment, safety, a kind of peace that comes when you get intimate with a person that you don't know well enough. It's like, with the attraction that comes on pre-party; when felt good, you start to perceive reality in a way that almost everything you've done in life brought you to that point to that magical moment of primitivity; you start to seek a meaning in such basic acts. 

How come tho? How come, it is -as I've known- mostly women who got carried away by such intercourse? Women release oxytocin, a bonding hormone, when they have sex, so in many cases it's hard not to feel at least a little attached. 

So there are 3 paths to go if you want to avoid catching feelings. 

1, you accept the fact that you're a human-being with emotions & a complex process system; so you stop having casual affairs because you know in the end it doesn't worth the post-drama of it.
2, you accept the fact that you care more about your sexuality than the weight of the emotions you don't wanna carry; so you keep on having them tho with the conscious mind that could keep reminding you that those feels are not real, or they are real tho they are not specific. 
3, you accept the fact that you do not care that much about what happens or what does not, whatever happens you just keep distracting yourself with some things else so you don't even find time to think specifically on it and it just goes away. What an ignorant way of thinking, isn't it?

life is so stupid I love it

Theme of lately

Life is so precious and so unpredictable and so alive and so changeable that I can't stop but be amazed by it every fucking second of every fucking day.

Here you are, at the age of 24, thinking that you'd seen it all, you walked past and back the spectrum of emotions, reached every note, now it is only going to be a repetitive cycle of the same notes - maybe higher, or lower, but the same feels that you once knew. All done. You got it all figured out. You've seen it all. What else could be there?

Then BAM. Life happens. And you are shocked, once again, with the same excitement and same cute little fears once again, but in a slightly different way; more mature, more sane & in a much more joyful way, each time. 

Funny how everything we do, think, doubt for is nothing but the reflections of who we really are, what we are made of.

Change = (Awarenes x Will) + Strength to do so. 

Comfort zone is not only where you feel safe but it is also the feeling of not letting go because you invested so much in it, you can't take the feel of all going in vain so you stick to the thing that does not serve you, that's your comfort zone. Being a risk taker is not only doing stuff on the edge, bungee jumping; it is also the act of letting go of the thing you want so fucking much but also aware of the fact that it's not for you, that's your bungee jumping but you crash every day until you no longer fear to crash, then you fly & be free. 

I feel like I've dived into my comfort zone and surfed from one hill to another until I realize the theme behind the gap of how I define myself and how I wasn't able to act accordingly. It took me a while, oh more than I thought, days spent under the judgement of "Seriously? Still?", to really get over the last two years: to forgive everything that happened to me and everything that I caused. I kept myself so busy that I consciously give myself no room to think about it all more than I should have, as a success-addicted person it felt so good. It actually helped me decrease my obsession with being too good. I literally had no time to spent in vain so it also held me down from silly acts, not silly but the acts I would tend to do when I feel a certain way- The more I spent time with friends & family, the more I started to get back to myself.

I remember thinking exactly a year ago, like what happened to me? "What happened to the little girl with so much confidence, joy, so decisive, tough? At what point have I changed and become so unsure of myself that it led me to where I am now?" Almost all of my childhood memories are related to me being super reckless, natural, curious but critical, confident. Like when I was 5 years old yelling at someone who was respected and feared by everyone in the family, because he was mean to my aunt. Or how I wanted to be a neurosurgeon just because "it's very difficult and very few people were able to do it". How I was able to stand up for my own ideas and express myself ridiculously well. 

Then BAM. Life happened and I literally built myself a life depending on approval, on how other's feel about me, everyone liking me, being the good girl without any mistakes. It felt natural, coming from a super compassionate, warm-hearted mother; but I also ended up with a burnout after facing with a couple of big failures; I hated losing. Losing my dignity, losing someone I love, losing a game; the concept of losing was a direct attack of my self image that supports the belief of me being not worthy. Supporting 17-years-old me, nihilist Albert Camus fan, "Nothing really matters and we are all just a stardust in a big galaxy on a planet that worths nothing" type of shit. 

With lots of nights thinking about everything, lots of books on psychology, lots of yoga, meditation, enlightenment, practices of mindfulness, long deep talks with friends & a lot of help from them; I feel so happy to see myself, outgrown all the misery related to my genes, traumas of me- ones happened to me & ones I caused myself go through, stupid beliefs and all that. I realized I am the only person who judges me the most, so harsh - nobody even cares that much. How I act is not always associated with who I am. 

I stopped being a stupid dreamer who romanticised every little thing, defining how I feel with miserable song lyrics, being too nice to not hurt people's feelings, getting caught up with my inner voice panicking in an uncertainty and courages me to avoid everything and go to bed; taking life, people, myself and situations so seriously. I have learnt not to trust my emotions, not to trust my thoughts; but my instincts- but thank god I can also avoid them. Learnt how to just watch and observe without acting. I have learnt how to love myself. I have been to hell & back, fallen, crashed; but now I am finally free.

I became that little girl again - but make it more adultish. 

God knows what this year holds but I am ready to embrace, enjoy & love again.

Tho it's relieving to think that you're nothing but a stardust, you are everything to yourself. Nihilism is for losers (sorry Camus). You owe yourself to give what you deserve, which is whatever the fuck you want to have & achieve in this world. 

Thank you for listening to my tedtalk and have a nice day

 Today I dealt with a lot of past emotions that I cannot describe or labelize, I felt dissociated with my body and couldn't determine what I needed, what I wanted, what I should do or shouldn't. An exhaustion of little bit of everything: tiresome walks, lack of food, a bit hangover, traveling in time in my mind. I was surprised to see myself in that hole of confusion again after a long time. I knew exactly what triggered it and it made me question my whole progress during these months. But I know healing is not linear & your mind believes whatever you are feeding it with. 

Today I thought about the thin line between the way I see myself and the way I am seen. What is it in my mind that makes it so important for me, the way I am seen? By a person. Why everytime do I find myself identifying myself through that eyes? What is it about them that is so special, important or unique that I just can't get over? 

Maybe unconsciously I think it is too precious to let go but there is no other way than doing it. Part of me is afraid, part of me is angry, part of me is ruthless, the other part holds a bit of love. 

Today I felt like a desperate child that sees no point in sustaining. An old feeling that I know. I resisted it to take over me but eventually gave up trying. I accepted it and now even honoring it by these words. 

God, please make me so so happy in a fucking completely different way that one day I would understand today's hurt was worth it. 

dilemmas

there she was, talking about all people i will never ever see again, talk again, and i was pretending to give damn about them. all i could think was how breaking up with someone is actually breaking up with anyone that is related to them including them. all the people i really liked and would love to see again, the pets, the great dinners to be gossipped about later in bed one to one, people i had to bear. i wonder if he gave a shit about it too. probably he didn't even give it a thought. 

i've been relating so much to curves and death lately, the theme of lately. flows and void. unsteadiness and emptiness. being and vanishing. 

life is all about dilemmas, or at least my thoughts: how fool we are to think we act by our free will while the truth is we only act as a combination of our parents. how blind we are to see we don't guide love (the romantic one we have), it (the one we saw growing up) guides us to choose who to love, how to act, how to receive and give love. 

i miss the way he used to regulate me when i was feeling down and now i notice how stupid i was thinking it was his 'duty' (and also mine when we switch sides). i miss the way he kissed me asleep even when he was turning around. the way he called me princess, just like my dad, how i felt like a child around him (and usually act like one). the way he looked at me in the crowd when he finds something funny to laugh together leaning forward. (i wonder if he ever noticed this kind of little things about me. probably not. he's never been this detail oriented. he's the guy who shows interest to the bigger picture instead of getting into it.) 

but i still feel strongly how bad i felt around him. how bad i felt on his birthday celebration on the table with his friends, seeing his best friend and his girlfriend sitting across to us and how his friend always cared for her during dinner, checking on her kissing her etc. and how he didn't even wanna get a picture with me 'because he is not into taking photos'. how he couldn't think of any little tiny thing to do on tough situations. how he just didn't think of me while doing something, in general, how it would affect me or how it would make me feel. how he always avoided taking responsibility for anything that even when breaking up he put the blame on me for feeling worthless against his actions. (i don't seek approval or support or attention from ANYONE to feel worthy. i only needed it from him because he was my boyfriend, how is that weird?) how hard i tried to make him understand what i need from a relationship and how well he ignored them, oh he ignored them soooo well. how i felt so unsupported, but the most hurting part was to feel unheard. i felt so unheard. 

i also notice how crazy i've become in both thought and in action, how i got triggered even only with my own thoughts. how manipulative i became to receive the kind of love i need that i fucked it all up. how he brought that side out of me that i never knew existed, the destructive irreverent aggresive side. how wrong i was to expect him to notice what hurt me without giving him a clue (i really feel like an idiot about it now.) a thousand times i intentionally hurt him just to make him understand how he got me feel. (again, what am i a kid?) how i felt bad about the situations that had absolutely nothing to do with me, but somehow managed to hurt me. (later i was accused to be a drama queen because of that) how codependent i became just in fear of losing what i got (that got me losing it for good, also made me seem needy as fuck), how i just gave up on so much things for him without his notice that i freaked out when he didn't do %10 of what i expected (i learnt putting myself first no matter what, in the hard way)

to sum up i watched a beautiful precious thing turning into a fucked up hell in the hands of two amateurs that didn't know how to take good care of it or even handle it.

without getting out of the toxic thing, you can't really see how deeply you got into this shit. how it actually takes away your soul, your brain, even your bed; how it takes all over you. 

the reason was just while i was mentally mature & emotionally unmature; he was emotionally very mature but mentally not. the war of both worlds could be that simply put.

i'd definitely want a relationship which we'd be connected on a deeper level, it seems so shallow now thinking about it. couldn't force it. 

my brain automatically thinks about telling him when something happens for a second, or dreams about going that place together when i see some place new, thinks like "oh they will get along so well" when my aunt makes a joke that i think he'd laugh, dreams about watching the game together with him & my dad commenting to each other about the players, dreams dreams thinks thinks dreams thinks... 

but it is also a great feeling to not have some thought hanging in the background of my mind wherever i go, whatever i do. to enjoy every moment instead of not being in the moment worrying about he's doing / might do. (this wasn't a trustful relationship from the very beginning and i'm sorry but we both couldn't manage to fix that ever.) it is a great feeling to not wait for a text or a call that actually never came when needed. 

i accept i am a hard person sometimes, i have issues to work on (who doesn't?), i'm not totally woke about the sources of some of my behaviors (who actually is?) but i am not hard to please. i am not hard to be around. i offer more than i take away. i am so happy just being in my own skin, dealing with my own shit by myself, being on my own. what a pathetic position i had put myself in thinking that i needed him, needed anyone, for anything. 

at first it was all bad days, then it was two good days one bad day, then it was good days and occasionally a bad day, now it's all good but i wonder when it's totally gonna end tho. i'm actually grieving, and if i'm grieving it never ends right? you just get used to it. but what if i just really wanna end it? i wanna at least be able to keep my eyes dry when thinking about some situations we had, have a day without a thing that's related crossing my mind, not feel like a giant very fat elephant sit on my heart when i think of him with someone else, not guess what he's doing according to the hours of the day, not see his name in every market name, not remember him as often as i do. 

am i being over dramatic to think about it in this way or is it just the way? will i be miserable still thinking about it in 5 years or will i keep doing better and better every day? will it take a good turn or will it just vanish away? was it a love that never meant to last or was it us that blew it away? was it the love that meant to last and i fucked it up and now it's gonna be the love i'll remember for the rest of my life every day? 

what doesn't satisfy me can certainly makes me bluer but never regretful.

happy it happened the way it happened, happy it ended the way it did.

thankful for every bit.