Do you remember the feeling in elementary school when, you get into a class and randomly select a seat, and your crush happens to sit next to you? That boiling feeling? Or the feeling when you sleep next to someone you love, as if nothing in life matters except that very moment? When you fall sleep in your father's arms? I feel like nowadays it is very hard to come across these types of vulnerable, fragile, naked feelings and I kinda miss that.
I have met one of my exes the other day, just to see how it will go - no expectations, nothing. I am usually friends with my exes, like not actually see them regularly but if something comes up we be there for each other, we catch up sometimes as friends, because you know there is history and even tho the relationship ends, the value you put in that person doesn't - at least not for me, for the sake of good times. He was very special to me back then, and I felt the safest with him, he expanded my spectrum of emotions in both ways, he got me go through some emotions I don't even know existed. So I respect him a lot. Even tho what we had is gone and faded away already, I had sometimes thought of what we had. And in life, I would sometimes go back and think about 'what if's, making predictions about the future, the potential of us ending up together, idealizing and fantasizing about what we had back then which was basically years ago. I was wondering if I was doing it because I want those feelings or I want him back, even tho the answer is pretty clear, I needed to face it. Because it is tiring to have such thing in life; even the closure has been done years ago; the closure in you takes more time and sometimes never happens: and I hate open doors, half eated chocolates, maybe's, complications. I need solidity in my life, at least for now at this moment.
So we met and had a couple of drinks, talked about our lives and families, this and that, I couldn't help but analyzing him, the situation, myself at the same time when I was there talking to him. I am sure it was just a meeting with an old pal for him and he didn't put such thoughts on it as me (which is okay) but you know, I like to get deep on experiences to really understand myself in the end so, I did think about it. In the end, he was still the same in some ways and very different in others; but my fantasy has gone. It felt amazing to face the fact that he is someone different now, I am completely something else than I was back then; and it would never work out, it never will, what a relieving thing to face. Like a nice, big sigh; you know? So I was super glad and happy, to get it out of my system. But I was also a bit sad.
I was sad because, you know all the 'pure feelings' I was talking about in the beginning, he was the one who got me feeling them the most and, since then I never had those again. Now that I know it was not about him, and it will never be again, I really don't know if I'll ever be able to catch those feelings. Maybe they go away with age, how could I know? Maybe they belong to the immaturity, craziness selves who just don't know so much yet, ready to jump in, without predictions and knowledge - maybe it takes arrogance to feel those pureness. Maybe the more you know, the more you become kind of numb to these type of feels. (In the end all good love songs was written before the age of 30 I guess, see Jeff Buckley or Kurt Cobain)
I try to accept, as in everything, what my life, age and environment has to offer. I try to embrace, with good and bad, but noone ever told me it would be this hard to find some 'real' stuff as you grow up. Maybe it is only my experience, but I really find it hard to resonate with the crew as I go on; no judgments but young adult girls in their late teenage phase, men in mid-life crisis trying to party and have sex every day to feel young again, boys without an aim working in boring jobs and wanna have all the fun in the world to balance out that boredom, it's just so much to deal and soak in with. Me on the other hand, having a hard time trying to understand what I actually need, while I let life toss me around like a leaf; I try to stay centered and solid within myself.
It helps to talk with old friends, listen to my old songs, face the little girl in me I started healing this year. All this anger, envy, the need of attention comes from her; and I love her, she's just seeking what she needs to survive as a little neglected girl; I just need to remind myself sometimes I am not 'just' that girl anymore. Despite everything, sometimes I still miss just being her.
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