A guy approached me the other day, when I was working at this cafe. His opening line was how beautiful my eyes are (lack of creativity), we had a small talk on where I'm from (what a convo starter), then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. (Well, he was good looking and native Spanish speaker; someone I could practice to) He texted me that night and we met after two days.
The moment we met I knew it wasn't gonna happen, well in the cafe when he approached me I was sitting and couldn't really tell how tall he was; apparently we are the same height, and I cannot do with that. But still, I was there; wouldn't hurt to have a chat and make new friends. We sat at this restaurant and talked about our lives; apparently he was 35, traveling around and all that. In the middle of our conversation, he told me like, 'I just want to be completely honest with you. I am in a relationship for 5 years. Because I started traveling, we turned it into an open relationship. She is back home and here I am, sitting with you. I'd regret it if I didn't come up to you, but I think you should know this.' I thanked him and appreciated his honesty, I friendzoned him the moment I met him already so no worries at all. In the end I found myself giving advices to him on how to make the relationship better (they were also having issues he told me) how to spice things up maybe if he doesn't wanna call it off. We sat for about an hour more and then I goodbyed him home (probably forever because I was not interested at all and I was obvious about it). But it got me thinking. Can we think a little more on open relationships?
In the majority of the population, relationships are between 2 people as if it's a rule: when I was working for a queer supporting company that gives advices to people about relationships; I was shocked on one revision I got; they told me to not use the phrase 'from the other person' because it refers that relationships are between two people but actually no; it can be between 3 or maybe even more (?). I also found it interesting to think about back then because we are just so programmed of thinking about relationships as monogamic, holy, enchanting experiences. I don't say this in a bad way, but is it the only way? That reminds me of that book I've read, a true story from a comic book writer; he only have sex with prostitutes for years. He find it comforting, safe, story-creating, he even had a serious relationship with one of them, he enjoys it the way it is. That book also changed my perspective on being with sex workers; well I still don't want to try it out but I am less judgmental. Because, there are always other ways to see things; the back of the medallion you know. In the movie of Xavier Dolan, 'Laurence Anyways'; a guy and a woman in a relationship but he wants to be a trans man, the movie is about how she supports him throughout the journey. Which is also very interesting, a very brave movie I recommend.
Back to the subject. Being born and grown up in Turkey, especially in Turkish or most middle eastern cultures open relationships are not even considered. It is off the table, no matter what. General idea of it is, if you wanna f*ck other people let's break up. And I get that. Again, coming from a Turkish culture, jealousy is a big thing in relationships. I remember when I was head over heels for someone, I would stalk all the girls he follows on Instagram get even jealous when a girl puts her hand on his shoulder at a party or even envy his childhood friends because they got to see his journey as he grows up and become a man. You know, THAT type of possession in a way. So because of that, I guess half of my friends would execute me for what I'm about to say. But that's just what I think for now as a 26 years old woman still working on attachment.
I think the way most people see open relationships are, in the perspective of a sexual connection and; they don't want to share the people they love the most with anybody else in a sexual way. And I totally get that. For women it's hard because we are very emotional creatures, I remember even to picture my boyfriend with someone else would tear up my eyes back then. For men it is also hard because they take this 'being with someone else' act too linked with their manhood, and they in a way feel less of a man when their girlfriend becomes with another. Which is totally normal, understandable, we are humans and we want things to ourselves. Maybe this is the 'normal' way. But what I think is, what if open relationships are a form of high love? There are some situations where you are married for 10 years and need a thrill or you have to live abroad for 2 years and we can all agree on distance relationships hardly work, in that type of situations what you normally do is breaking up. Makes sense. But maybe there is an other way, which is having an open relationship, which means you love the person so much and trust the connection between you two so much that, you are not even worried someone else can be the case or come between you two. Maybe you do the open relationship thing, to make it work. You have such a transparency, trust and love; you are willing to try it so that you don't lose each other. In a world where people think they 'belong' together it is a very hard concept to understand or even think; but we are not in 1950 anymore. We know that we don't own anyone. We know if something is off, then it's not gonna work because of the passive agressive acts, lies, fights, cheats. Instead of turning things toxic, why not be open and honest about it and TALK and TRY something out? Maybe open relationship owners know how to love unconditionally no matter what without putting the other person in a cage; freeing them and supporting them. Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'the other person', I keep forgetting that
I care about privacy, intimacy, specialty and all that but what I care about the most is the honesty and the connection so maybe, if we should, thinking things through and trying things out is not the worst thing in the world. Complicated, hurtful, challenging, but not the worst... So I shouldn't have freaked out when the guy told me about it. I shouldn't have said NEVER when my first boyfriend hypothetically asked if I would be ok with it. You know what they say, never say never. One does not die without experiencing the very thing they once criticized. Let's think things through without making it about us.
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