on the need of confrontation

I had a friend once, he was writing down letters to his ex-girlfriend even after 2 years they broke up; explaining how he feels and why it didn't work out but how he would want to make it work - apparently he hadn't had the closure he needed and was not resilient enough to do it himself. 

It is a funny side of every happening; cuz each has three sides: 1 in the mind of one of the parties, 2 in the mind of the other one of the parties, 3 what actually just happened. Each action, each touch, each word resonates differently with those different parties; in the end it is just a whole different experience & completely different stories. A fact we are all aware of but always keep forgetting. A fact that either takes us to the sky or just fucks us up. 

As I grow older I realize that the more I seize the day and carpe diem without really putting a thought on it, I more I regret it in the next day. It was plays and fun when I was, I don't know, 21 or something, when I knew less about people, psychology, instincts, life, what matters. I cannot live by my instincts anymore, I care about the long term gain better than the short-lasting prize feelings. But when you are drunk and affected it doesn't always be this way. On a morning where I was feeling like a disaster, I started to think: why do we despair the confrontation so badly that we cannot rest without having it? Is it the fear to be misunderstood or not at all, or the hope that maybe it would change things? Do we really want it for ourselves or just to prove the other that we actually worth something? 

I was feeling dreadful because I realized that I was not acting the way I was feeling for a remarkable amount of time. As I called my best friend to just shit about everything she awakened me by saying, 'Stop creating a life for yourself where you go around in the same circles. Haven't we talked about this? Wasn't it clear for you, what you want and how you want it? Then why are you acting just the opposite?' What was I trying to gain from going through an experience for the 100th time and expecting a different result out of it? It is a consequence of me acting unthoughtfully for just one night and then obsessing over what happened that one day - things I did not expect at all. Then I started to get paranoid: what the other party thought about me? How was I seemed? What's gonna happen next? Why do I feel like I am back in high school again? Why do I fantasize things out of a little, tiny happening? I went to my therapist, begging for advice on how to see things differently. She relieved me by saying that it is all normal, I feel this way because I am a human-being, especially when something happens when you least expect it there is nothing more normal to get so freaking excited over it. For one day I managed to live up to my feelings, enjoyed it while it lasts - been a very fucking long time since I last felt this way, you know I am telling you I was back in high school again. My therapist warned me that me that feeling these is normal, but me trying to suppress it and feel bad about it is the problematic part. Because I was (still am) so sure that in the end it wouldn't end up well at all, which made me feel stressed and anxious and in the end it caused me to betray myself by acting the opposite of how I was feeling. I could keep living up to my feelings but instead I ignored them and act as if I was just cool about everything - sassy, free-spirited, doesntgiveashit me. It didn't help anything at all, instead everything got worse. As the days went by I felt more shit, more out of center, more mistakes more dreams more living in my head, more guilt more disappointment and more... sorrow over things that did not even actually happen and will never be. Maybe that was the point. Because I acted so out of myself I felt so guilty and angry to myself that, I just ended up turning things around in the wrong way and sabotaged the whole situation to not ever happen again. I was literally sitting in my room crying out of the things I was feeling - 'I know you don't want it, but you are not that 15 years old girl anymore, you are an adult, you can handle it, you got this, everything will be okay' I was talking to myself, as I was doing my makeup for another night out just to not miss out if anything would happen ever again. I didn't even feel like going out that night. But here I was looking out in the crowd just to see if... that one of the parties is there. What a pathetic, humiliating, downgrading act. 'Why are you recreating the life you ran away from?' My bestie asked me. Well, I really didn't know. 

One thing happened, and then a lot of things happened in my head, and then I cut it off for good in the end. I have been dying for a confrontation for the last two days. Because I know I was not actually myself the whole time, I know things hasn't discussed is just bothering me, I know my eyes are just round the corner in everywhere I go. I also know they could think I'm a freak, that I'm inconsistent and not obvious at all, but what the hell at this point. I, just, need, that confrontation. I was thinking. 

But just today I realized, I don't actually need it at all, I just want it because I wanna see how things would go after having it; but what the hell at this point: I know enough to know that if someone wants something they get it. And I cannot just flow, wait, 'see how it goes', I am a person of action and impatient and anxious and sensitive and feel so strongly and all that - I accept it. That's why even having a confrontation wouldn't help anything, I felt how I felt anyway. What's done is done. No stepping back from it. There's no point. 

I just needed to confront myself and accept that I do indeed need sharing, intimacy, drinks sitting at the high chairs of a bar, quality chat, 'what have you been doing until this age?' kind of getting to know someone and someone to get to know me, reading with a chai tea, talking shits about different tastes and jokes about insecurities, jumping into ideas with equal excitements: I just need to accept and be accepted. And put my fucking fear or pride or 'I should act cool' belief aside and just ACCEPT how I really feel. That is the only confrontation I need. Let's hope it will all turn out good in the end, and thank to the other party of this story for that magical night; appreciate that it happened and reminded me that I still do have feelings. 

artwork from Tyler Spangler

on open relationships

A guy approached me the other day, when I was working at this cafe. His opening line was how beautiful my eyes are (lack of creativity), we had a small talk on where I'm from (what a convo starter), then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. (Well, he was good looking and native Spanish speaker; someone I could practice to) He texted me that night and we met after two days. 

The moment we met I knew it wasn't gonna happen, well in the cafe when he approached me I was sitting and couldn't really tell how tall he was; apparently we are the same height, and I cannot do with that. But still, I was there; wouldn't hurt to have a chat and make new friends. We sat at this restaurant and talked about our lives; apparently he was 35, traveling around and all that. In the middle of our conversation, he told me like, 'I just want to be completely honest with you. I am in a relationship for 5 years. Because I started traveling, we turned it into an open relationship. She is back home and here I am, sitting with you. I'd regret it if I didn't come up to you, but I think you should know this.' I thanked him and appreciated his honesty, I friendzoned him the moment I met him already so no worries at all. In the end I found myself giving advices to him on how to make the relationship better (they were also having issues he told me) how to spice things up maybe if he doesn't wanna call it off. We sat for about an hour more and then I goodbyed him home (probably forever because I was not interested at all and I was obvious about it). But it got me thinking. Can we think a little more on open relationships? 

In the majority of the population, relationships are between 2 people as if it's a rule: when I was working for a queer supporting company that gives advices to people about relationships; I was shocked on one revision I got; they told me to not use the phrase 'from the other person' because it refers that relationships are between two people but actually no; it can be between 3 or maybe even more (?). I also found it interesting to think about back then because we are just so programmed of thinking about relationships as monogamic, holy, enchanting experiences. I don't say this in a bad way, but is it the only way? That reminds me of that book I've read, a true story from a comic book writer; he only have sex with prostitutes for years. He find it comforting, safe, story-creating, he even had a serious relationship with one of them, he enjoys it the way it is. That book also changed my perspective on being with sex workers; well I still don't want to try it out but I am less judgmental. Because, there are always other ways to see things; the back of the medallion you know. In the movie of Xavier Dolan, 'Laurence Anyways'; a guy and a woman in a relationship but he wants to be a trans man, the movie is about how she supports him throughout the journey. Which is also very interesting, a very brave movie I recommend. 

Back to the subject. Being born and grown up in Turkey, especially in Turkish or most middle eastern cultures open relationships are not even considered. It is off the table, no matter what. General idea of it is, if you wanna f*ck other people let's break up. And I get that. Again, coming from a Turkish culture, jealousy is a big thing in relationships. I remember when I was head over heels for someone, I would stalk all the girls he follows on Instagram get even jealous when a girl puts her hand on his shoulder at a party or even envy his childhood friends because they got to see his journey as he grows up and become a man. You know, THAT type of possession in a way. So because of that, I guess half of my friends would execute me for what I'm about to say. But that's just what I think for now as a 26 years old woman still working on attachment. 

I think the way most people see open relationships are, in the perspective of a sexual connection and; they don't want to share the people they love the most with anybody else in a sexual way. And I totally get that. For women it's hard because we are very emotional creatures, I remember even to picture my boyfriend with someone else would tear up my eyes back then. For men it is also hard because they take this 'being with someone else' act too linked with their manhood, and they in a way feel less of a man when their girlfriend becomes with another. Which is totally normal, understandable, we are humans and we want things to ourselves. Maybe this is the 'normal' way. But what I think is, what if open relationships are a form of high love? There are some situations where you are married for 10 years and need a thrill or you have to live abroad for 2 years and we can all agree on distance relationships hardly work, in that type of situations what you normally do is breaking up. Makes sense. But maybe there is an other way, which is having an open relationship, which means you love the person so much and trust the connection between you two so much that, you are not even worried someone else can be the case or come between you two. Maybe you do the open relationship thing, to make it work. You have such a transparency, trust and love; you are willing to try it so that you don't lose each other. In a world where people think they 'belong' together it is a very hard concept to understand or even think; but we are not in 1950 anymore. We know that we don't own anyone. We know if something is off, then it's not gonna work because of the passive agressive acts, lies, fights, cheats. Instead of turning things toxic, why not be open and honest about it and TALK and TRY something out? Maybe open relationship owners know how to love unconditionally no matter what without putting the other person in a cage; freeing them and supporting them. Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'the other person', I keep forgetting that

I care about privacy, intimacy, specialty and all that but what I care about the most is the honesty and the connection so maybe, if we should, thinking things through and trying things out is not the worst thing in the world. Complicated, hurtful, challenging, but not the worst... So I shouldn't have freaked out when the guy told me about it. I shouldn't have said NEVER when my first boyfriend hypothetically asked if I would be ok with it. You know what they say, never say never. One does not die without experiencing the very thing they once criticized. Let's think things through without making it about us. 

on loss of purity & pursuing some

Do you remember the feeling in elementary school when, you get into a class and randomly select a seat, and your crush happens to sit next to you? That boiling feeling? Or the feeling when you sleep next to someone you love, as if nothing in life matters except that very moment? When you fall sleep in your father's arms? I feel like nowadays it is very hard to come across these types of vulnerable, fragile, naked feelings and I kinda miss that. 

I have met one of my exes the other day, just to see how it will go - no expectations, nothing. I am usually friends with my exes, like not actually see them regularly but if something comes up we be there for each other, we catch up sometimes as friends, because you know there is history and even tho the relationship ends, the value you put in that person doesn't - at least not for me, for the sake of good times. He was very special to me back then, and I felt the safest with him, he expanded my spectrum of emotions in both ways, he got me go through some emotions I don't even know existed. So I respect him a lot. Even tho what we had is gone and faded away already, I had sometimes thought of what we had. And in life, I would sometimes go back and think about 'what if's, making predictions about the future, the potential of us ending up together, idealizing and fantasizing about what we had back then which was basically years ago. I was wondering if I was doing it because I want those feelings or I want him back, even tho the answer is pretty clear, I needed to face it. Because it is tiring to have such thing in life; even the closure has been done years ago; the closure in you takes more time and sometimes never happens: and I hate open doors, half eated chocolates, maybe's, complications. I need solidity in my life, at least for now at this moment. 

So we met and had a couple of drinks, talked about our lives and families, this and that, I couldn't help but analyzing him, the situation, myself at the same time when I was there talking to him. I am sure it was just a meeting with an old pal for him and he didn't put such thoughts on it as me (which is okay) but you know, I like to get deep on experiences to really understand myself in the end so, I did think about it. In the end, he was still the same in some ways and very different in others; but my fantasy has gone. It felt amazing to face the fact that he is someone different now, I am completely something else than I was back then; and it would never work out, it never will, what a relieving thing to face. Like a nice, big sigh; you know? So I was super glad and happy, to get it out of my system. But I was also a bit sad. 

I was sad because, you know all the 'pure feelings' I was talking about in the beginning, he was the one who got me feeling them the most and, since then I never had those again. Now that I know it was not about him, and it will never be again, I really don't know if I'll ever be able to catch those feelings. Maybe they go away with age, how could I know? Maybe they belong to the immaturity, craziness selves who just don't know so much yet, ready to jump in, without predictions and knowledge - maybe it takes arrogance to feel those pureness. Maybe the more you know, the more you become kind of numb to these type of feels. (In the end all good love songs was written before the age of 30 I guess, see Jeff Buckley or Kurt Cobain)

I try to accept, as in everything, what my life, age and environment has to offer. I try to embrace, with good and bad, but noone ever told me it would be this hard to find some 'real' stuff as you grow up. Maybe it is only my experience, but I really find it hard to resonate with the crew as I go on; no judgments but young adult girls in their late teenage phase, men in mid-life crisis trying to party and have sex every day to feel young again, boys without an aim working in boring jobs and wanna have all the fun in the world to balance out that boredom, it's just so much to deal and soak in with. Me on the other hand, having a hard time trying to understand what I actually need, while I let life toss me around like a leaf; I try to stay centered and solid within myself.

It helps to talk with old friends, listen to my old songs, face the little girl in me I started healing this year. All this anger, envy, the need of attention comes from her; and I love her, she's just seeking what she needs to survive as a little neglected girl; I just need to remind myself sometimes I am not 'just' that girl anymore. Despite everything, sometimes I still miss just being her.

my 2024 resolutions

When people started sharing their 2023 resolutions at the end of the year, I realized I wasn't doing this at all. There is a memory in my mind about a time when I did this, the New Year's Eve that connects 2020 to 2021; we wrote down what we wanted to do that year on a piece of paper, put it in a drawer, and decided to look at it 6 months later. (We didn't do it & they never happened.) I remember writing things like learning French and traveling to somewhere else; considering the time and conditions back then, it doesn't feel like very reasonable goals when I think about it now. I never did this in the following years, it never even occurred to me; I think I haven't wanted anything from life or myself for a long time. The wish I make on my birthdays is always the same: Thank God for everything, I hope I continue to live a healthy life with my loved ones. (Thankfully, it turns out true.)

This year, while I was reading people's 2023 resolutions, I also started to observe myself and question why I didn't do this. The answer was very simple: when I set a goal for myself, I am so afraid of not accomplishing it, of failing, that I allow my dreams and desires to float in the void and vanish away over time. In fact, I take it one step further and assign responsibility to divine timing as if THEY WILL HAPPEN AT THE RIGHT TIME. It is not in my interest to actively take action to achieve my goals. I don't want to get too hard on myself at this point, I have been studying/working very intensively for about 7 years; I don't know if I create this intensity for myself because I can't stay idle, but this year, I started to experience leaving myself alone for a bit. Besides that, I also feel like this year is my year to take action, it's like I've reached the end of my patience and can no longer keep anything in my life that doesn't bring me incredible joy, I have no tolerance for postponing anything, I can't accept broken promises made to me, I can't just sit back on the things I said I would do. I'm moving on, I don't want to promise something I won't take action on. I want to be able to take intentional, logical steps rather than making unplanned, instinctive, emotional decisions. Rather than accepting my habits that have been around for years and not trying to change them, I choose to push myself and experience a different world. That's why I'm overcoming this fear of failure and creating a 2024 resolutions list for myself. Let's go.

To release at least one more song.
Thinking that it would motivate me, I published the songs I had made years ago, bought myself a midi keyboard, changed the strings of my guitar, and at one point I even started a music production course; I don't want any of my efforts, dreams or thoughts to be left unfinished anymore. While singing is the thing that I most feel like me in life, I don't want to postpone it any longer. My current thought is to collaborate with a producer and make a song together, but let's see, I'm open to what life will bring and I'm excited for it.

Djing in at least one event.
As someone who has been listening to sets while working for years, I find this process very enjoyable. I've been vibing to DJs for years, and I want to experience being on the other side of the deck just once. I imagine having a private party with my close friends at our favorite rooftop bar, me playing funky songs to the people I love. Why don't we do any concept parties anymore? We urgently need to bring back this habit.

Traveling to at least 2 countries.
At the moment I think it would be Indonesia or Mexico, and recently the idea of Albania was added to this list. Maybe Thailand? I don't know. But, after rooting until June, I wanna be on the move.

Conducting at least one workshop.
I started this year with the desire to make an impact, I don't know where this idea came from. Before, I never had an urge to give workshops, train people or teach them something, in short, SPREADING THE KNOWLEDGE. But this year, I increasingly feel like leading people and adding value. Big or small, I want to gather people together and allow different minds to exchange with each other.

Accepting being a grown up and making peace with growing old.
I think this will be the hardest resolution of all; But I hope I will achieve this too.

Above all, I want to do more things that make my heart melt this year. I want to experience more of the things like, when I think of it, I just feel a warmth spreading through my heart; like living in Barcelona, spending my days highly productive, connecting with like-minded people, reuniting with the ones I care. I care about sharing, understanding, intention, compassion and connection more this year.

I just need to wake up and start doing things.

doubt is the only thing I don't carry to 2024

Coming from a year of growth, questions, self-centering & figuring out, then demolishing; I feel light starting this year: less depending, less demanding; more aware & welcoming.

Life has become simpler when I discovered every itch I have in my heart comes from two things: it is either when things are not the way I want/planned them to be; or because I doubt something in the situation. I doubt that things will go my way, I doubt myself to be good enough to achieve something, doubt the person in front of me to be good enough to give me what I want, doubt the colleague to be good enough to serve my needs, doubt that the circumstances will turn out in the way that I'd get what I want from the start. Even when I am so sure of myself, one tiny distortion that would give me a sense of doubt and unsecurity in a situation; I know that it has a potential to grow, take over and destroy everything. 

Life and exploring myself is a never ending journey that is fluid, on-going, never ending; I am noone to take control. The relationships I have made (not romantically) and the achievements I have gained have led me to a point where, I finally discovered that doubt has no role in the life I'm living. I let it happen instead of trying to figure it out. I give space to myself to feel things I don't make sense, I let that moment happen to me; I finally let life happen to me instead of trying to make it happen. 

I have trust that in the end everything happens on behalf of me; not against me. I don't pressure myself, I try to leave myself alone intentionally every time; because I also know how unstable I can be. This has also caused me to no longer be angry at situations and other people, I am experiencing being accepting; While I am a very impatient and controlling person, right now just by being sure of only myself and the steps I take, by allowing everything that happens around me to stay with me at its own pace or to vanish away, I believe that over time I will create the best scenario for myself. 

Sometimes I find myself disturbed by a situation that I cannot make sense, and in contrast sometimes I feel very peaceful as if everything is possible in life in a conversation or in the presence of a person. My mind's first reaction is to assign a thing to those feelings to validate them. In order to justify those feelings that I cannot understand, I try to make up a cover for them or ignore them and not dwell on them. I promise myself to stop doing this in 2024.

As long as I am sure of myself, what is good for me and what serves the points I want to achieve about myself; As long as I feel that I am on the right path, every step I take, every emotion I feel, every positive or negative result is valid; and I am happy with life as it is, trying to build it with all my being so that it gets better every day.

I'm happy as long as there are people around me who gets my question marks. I am happy with me being alone, knowing that farewells open the door to new beginnings. I am very happy with me being with someone('s), knowing that my presence and absence lead to different blessings. By keeping my being at ease and my heart open and light; I embrace this year.

oturan kişiliğimi ayaklandırmam üzerine

“Ne kadar aptalmışım” Her sene, geçen seneki halimi düşününce söylediğim o cümle. Bir yandan bunun rahatsızlığını yaşarken, bir yandan da ne kadar büyüdüğümü ve geliştiğimi yeniden anlamamı sağlayan o cümle. Bu kadar değişen, dönüşebilen bir varlıkken; kim olduğumuzdan emin olduğumuzu, belli bir yaşa gelince kişiliğimizin -en azından bir kısmının- oturmuş olduğunu düşünmemiz ne kadar adil? Oturmuş kişilik ne demek? Acaba bu, kim olduğumuza dair sınırlar çizdiği için rahatlatıcı mı yoksa aslında sınırlayıcı da olabilir mi? “Ben böyleyim” diyip işin içinden çıktığımız durumlardan çok daha fazlası var gibi burada. 

Çocukluğum, ailem, arkadaşlarım, yaşadıklarım, iz bıraktığım coğrafyalar; kim olduğumun ve nasıl bu olduğumun en büyük eşlikçileri ve katkı değerleri. Onlar sayesinde, onlar yüzünden, ne olduğumu düşünüyorsam o olmuşum bugün. Muhtemelen bir sene sonraki Aralık’ta da bugünkü ben’e karşı şefkatle bakıp onu toy göreceğim. 25 oldum bu yıl, çeyrek asırdır sürdürdüğüm hayatımda bazen 7’mde neysem 25’imde de o olduğumu hissediyorum. Bazense böyle, bir yıla kalmadan, aptalca bulabiliyorum kendimi. Bir gün doğru bir davranış sergilediğim için (kime göre, neye göre’ye girmeyeceğim) kendimle gurur duyarken, ertesi gün 7’mde ne hissediyorsam 25’imde de onu hissettiğimi gözlemleyebiliyorum. 

Nasıl da yönetiyor hayatımı bu tanıdık hisler, aynı şeyleri tekrar tekrar yaşamama sebep oluyor: ama ben her seferinde farklı çıkarımlar yapıyorum; çünkü birinde 16’yım, birinde 22, birinde 25. Hepsinin kaynağı aynı, yorumu farklı. Dersi farklı, çözümü aynı. Kendime daha da tutunmamı sağlayan (/neden olan) bu çözümler (sonuçlar) artık beni rahatsız etmeye başladı, çünkü tekrara düşüyorum. (Ve ben, rutinden/tekrardan/tekdüze olan her şeyden nefret eden biri-yim :) 

25 yaşındayım: kendimi tanımladığım bazı kelimeler var. Benimsediğim, kabullendiğim, kabul gördüğüm, tanındığım ve bilindiğim o kelimeler. Kendimi seviyorum, ama tekrara düştüğümü hissettiren o şeyler bana bir şeylerin değişmesi gerektiğinin sinyallerini veriyor. Böylece, tekrar, kendi üzerimde çalışmaya ve kendimi dinlemeye başlıyorum. 

Düşüncelerimi izlemeyi öğreniyorum mesela, tepkisel davranmamayı öğreniyorum (halbuki duygularını uçlarda yaşayan ve yüksek tepkiler veren biriyim). Bedenim, yüzüm, mimiklerim olmadığımı; hepsinin ardındaki bilinç olduğumu devamlı hatırlatıyorum kendime. (Oysa ki dış görünüşüne çok önem veren biriyim.) Sinirlendiğim zamanlarda kendimi duygularıma kaptırıp kırıcı davranmamayı deneyimliyorum. (Çabuk sinirlendiğim ve çabuk sakinleştiğim söylenir.) Yani söylemek istediğim; değişimin kaçınılmaz -ve hatta şu noktada gerekli- olduğunun farkında olarak; olduğum kişi’den (ya da olduğumu düşündüğüm) beni uzaklaştırdığı endişesiyle değişime direniyorum. (Rutinden nefret edermişimmişim. Neden mesela? İlk kaç yaşında nefret ettim rutinden, buna karar verdim? Hala neden bu inanca sarılıp bunu KARAKTERİM yapıyorum?) Tutunduğum kendim, bildiğim büyüttüğüm var ettiğim yarattığım yaratılan kusursuz olmasa da “ben” olduğu için, ve ben olmak dışında hiçbir şey olmayı bilmediğim için, kendimi geliştirme motivasyonuyla çıktığım bu yolda yapıtaşlarımı değiştirerek ilerlemem gerektiği için AŞIRI KORKUTUCU BİR HAL ALDI. 

Ama maksimum ne olabilir, ne kadar değişirsem değişeyim hala beynime ve sevdiklerime sahip olucam, beğenmezsem bir daha değiştiririm kendimi. Oturmamış mı oluyo acaba şimdi kişiliğim anlamıyorum ki. Dolanmayı seviyo galiba.

Değişmeyen tek şey değişimdir, klişesiyle 2023’e ve 2023 İrem’ine veda ediyorum. 2024 süper olacak, böyle gidersem ben de ya süper olurum ya da kafayı kırıp nefes koçu falan olurum herhalde. Olmak ya da olmamak; bütün mesele bu değil mi zaten. 

what my last disappointment taught me

Long story short: I am saying forever goodbye to predictions & getting caught in the illusion of age. 

When I was 21 and the person I fell in love with was 27, in our break-up talk he was super logical on the topic about our age difference and saying things like « You have a lot to experience, you will realize that this is not actually what you want » and he was absolutely right. Over time I thanked him more than enough to dump me back then so that I had the life I had and now I am way more close to knowing what I actually want. When you are in your 20’s, life flows really fast: days go by so fast, there are lots of things to do & many places to see & tons of people to meet. You get to experience A LOT. Many many things happen to you, you happen to many many people and in the end you create yourself a life that directs you to the next moment, next day, next month, next year- next age. 

I always tend to underestimate people that are younger than me (bullshit) because obviously I think I have more experience than them (another bullshit). I am likely to show more respect to the people that are older than me (not fair) because I think they have experienced it allllll, the older the wiser (biggest bullshit in the whole wide world). 

I came to a realization that it doesn’t matter if you travel the world, lose 10 people, kill someone, finish 2 degrees or go crazy: what you have done never really matters. What matters is what you got out of it. What it got you, where it got you mentally, what do you feel about it all now. Basically consideration and the act of thinking about it consciously. 

So the Instagram posts of the cities you’ve been, along with your age, is just an illusion. Having 3 serious relationships doesn’t show that you know how to behave well in a relationship or how to be a great girlfriend. Studying music doesn’t mean you’re good at it. Being rich doesn’t mean you know how to earn money. It is all predictions based on one’s past or experiences and it is something that is very hard to actively remember but I hope with practice I will learn not to do it again. 

Here I am, at 3am writing these in the need of getting things out and done in my head; because I made the same mistake again. I thought (maybe desperately hoped) for such person to act in a certain way (sane, reasonable, mature, like a fucking grown up) because WHY NOT? How am I 24, this aware of myself and how can people not be, at the age of 32, 35, 38? Because I think things through, I spend time trying to understand myself, my world around me, my thoughts and emotions and I check in with myself, I observe. How can people not do that and live that long? What have you been doing your whole life? What experience of you is, really real? How do you even consider yourself as YOU if you have no fucking clue about it? 

Dropping the mic… Thank you for listening. Hope to meet in happy stories really soon. <3