Today I dealt with a lot of past emotions that I cannot describe or labelize, I felt dissociated with my body and couldn't determine what I needed, what I wanted, what I should do or shouldn't. An exhaustion of little bit of everything: tiresome walks, lack of food, a bit hangover, traveling in time in my mind. I was surprised to see myself in that hole of confusion again after a long time. I knew exactly what triggered it and it made me question my whole progress during these months. But I know healing is not linear & your mind believes whatever you are feeding it with. 

Today I thought about the thin line between the way I see myself and the way I am seen. What is it in my mind that makes it so important for me, the way I am seen? By a person. Why everytime do I find myself identifying myself through that eyes? What is it about them that is so special, important or unique that I just can't get over? 

Maybe unconsciously I think it is too precious to let go but there is no other way than doing it. Part of me is afraid, part of me is angry, part of me is ruthless, the other part holds a bit of love. 

Today I felt like a desperate child that sees no point in sustaining. An old feeling that I know. I resisted it to take over me but eventually gave up trying. I accepted it and now even honoring it by these words. 

God, please make me so so happy in a fucking completely different way that one day I would understand today's hurt was worth it. 

dilemmas

there she was, talking about all people i will never ever see again, talk again, and i was pretending to give damn about them. all i could think was how breaking up with someone is actually breaking up with anyone that is related to them including them. all the people i really liked and would love to see again, the pets, the great dinners to be gossipped about later in bed one to one, people i had to bear. i wonder if he gave a shit about it too. probably he didn't even give it a thought. 

i've been relating so much to curves and death lately, the theme of lately. flows and void. unsteadiness and emptiness. being and vanishing. 

life is all about dilemmas, or at least my thoughts: how fool we are to think we act by our free will while the truth is we only act as a combination of our parents. how blind we are to see we don't guide love (the romantic one we have), it (the one we saw growing up) guides us to choose who to love, how to act, how to receive and give love. 

i miss the way he used to regulate me when i was feeling down and now i notice how stupid i was thinking it was his 'duty' (and also mine when we switch sides). i miss the way he kissed me asleep even when he was turning around. the way he called me princess, just like my dad, how i felt like a child around him (and usually act like one). the way he looked at me in the crowd when he finds something funny to laugh together leaning forward. (i wonder if he ever noticed this kind of little things about me. probably not. he's never been this detail oriented. he's the guy who shows interest to the bigger picture instead of getting into it.) 

but i still feel strongly how bad i felt around him. how bad i felt on his birthday celebration on the table with his friends, seeing his best friend and his girlfriend sitting across to us and how his friend always cared for her during dinner, checking on her kissing her etc. and how he didn't even wanna get a picture with me 'because he is not into taking photos'. how he couldn't think of any little tiny thing to do on tough situations. how he just didn't think of me while doing something, in general, how it would affect me or how it would make me feel. how he always avoided taking responsibility for anything that even when breaking up he put the blame on me for feeling worthless against his actions. (i don't seek approval or support or attention from ANYONE to feel worthy. i only needed it from him because he was my boyfriend, how is that weird?) how hard i tried to make him understand what i need from a relationship and how well he ignored them, oh he ignored them soooo well. how i felt so unsupported, but the most hurting part was to feel unheard. i felt so unheard. 

i also notice how crazy i've become in both thought and in action, how i got triggered even only with my own thoughts. how manipulative i became to receive the kind of love i need that i fucked it all up. how he brought that side out of me that i never knew existed, the destructive irreverent aggresive side. how wrong i was to expect him to notice what hurt me without giving him a clue (i really feel like an idiot about it now.) a thousand times i intentionally hurt him just to make him understand how he got me feel. (again, what am i a kid?) how i felt bad about the situations that had absolutely nothing to do with me, but somehow managed to hurt me. (later i was accused to be a drama queen because of that) how codependent i became just in fear of losing what i got (that got me losing it for good, also made me seem needy as fuck), how i just gave up on so much things for him without his notice that i freaked out when he didn't do %10 of what i expected (i learnt putting myself first no matter what, in the hard way)

to sum up i watched a beautiful precious thing turning into a fucked up hell in the hands of two amateurs that didn't know how to take good care of it or even handle it.

without getting out of the toxic thing, you can't really see how deeply you got into this shit. how it actually takes away your soul, your brain, even your bed; how it takes all over you. 

the reason was just while i was mentally mature & emotionally unmature; he was emotionally very mature but mentally not. the war of both worlds could be that simply put.

i'd definitely want a relationship which we'd be connected on a deeper level, it seems so shallow now thinking about it. couldn't force it. 

my brain automatically thinks about telling him when something happens for a second, or dreams about going that place together when i see some place new, thinks like "oh they will get along so well" when my aunt makes a joke that i think he'd laugh, dreams about watching the game together with him & my dad commenting to each other about the players, dreams dreams thinks thinks dreams thinks... 

but it is also a great feeling to not have some thought hanging in the background of my mind wherever i go, whatever i do. to enjoy every moment instead of not being in the moment worrying about he's doing / might do. (this wasn't a trustful relationship from the very beginning and i'm sorry but we both couldn't manage to fix that ever.) it is a great feeling to not wait for a text or a call that actually never came when needed. 

i accept i am a hard person sometimes, i have issues to work on (who doesn't?), i'm not totally woke about the sources of some of my behaviors (who actually is?) but i am not hard to please. i am not hard to be around. i offer more than i take away. i am so happy just being in my own skin, dealing with my own shit by myself, being on my own. what a pathetic position i had put myself in thinking that i needed him, needed anyone, for anything. 

at first it was all bad days, then it was two good days one bad day, then it was good days and occasionally a bad day, now it's all good but i wonder when it's totally gonna end tho. i'm actually grieving, and if i'm grieving it never ends right? you just get used to it. but what if i just really wanna end it? i wanna at least be able to keep my eyes dry when thinking about some situations we had, have a day without a thing that's related crossing my mind, not feel like a giant very fat elephant sit on my heart when i think of him with someone else, not guess what he's doing according to the hours of the day, not see his name in every market name, not remember him as often as i do. 

am i being over dramatic to think about it in this way or is it just the way? will i be miserable still thinking about it in 5 years or will i keep doing better and better every day? will it take a good turn or will it just vanish away? was it a love that never meant to last or was it us that blew it away? was it the love that meant to last and i fucked it up and now it's gonna be the love i'll remember for the rest of my life every day? 

what doesn't satisfy me can certainly makes me bluer but never regretful.

happy it happened the way it happened, happy it ended the way it did.

thankful for every bit. 

parting: partying without Y

Art by Kate Dehler

Here I am, sitting in my white cube room, drinking green tea from my pink cup - a mental relief to detox my alcohol-filled body for the past week. My brain is turning switches from how i'm gonna do me from that point, to how i can't do me in certain ways anymore. 

I strongly believe life always pays off what you want from it. I strongly believe we get what we wanted from the start and we direct life with what we believe in. 

Once, during a birthday raki party with someone I dated, we started talking about our past relationships. He told me this story about this girl that he once fell for, the one that lasted for years, the one which he went to Mexico after her to chase her and make it up to her; but he couldn't because they kept fighting over there too and so he left. He left her as he left Mexico.

When he was telling me this story, I remember thinking, "I want something like that. I want that big, 'I can't live without you' type of love, the one which you can't escape, with all the yelling and fighting followed by making hate-love, I'd want somebody to follow me to even another country to make it up, wow, they must have been so in love!" 

And I got it. I didn't intentionally turn my relationship into that, but seeing from afar now, I indeed got it. I felt every part of it in every cell of mine, I loved and fought and cried and burned and healed and now I have it. I have that type of story to tell in my 197. date when I am 28, or maybe I'll just keep it to myself as a sacred phase of my life. 

"Now what? Do I have to fuck everybody?" "It's not about fucking everybody, it's about not fucking that one body. And you'll be fine."

From my one-two years of adulthood experience, everybody has a different opinion about how things should go when it comes to romance. There is no one way to be in a secure relationship, there is not an "ideal one". But I'd really want my partner to be able to say "I accept her the way she is and I love her despite everything." It doesn't mean I'm "perfect" or every act I do fits him or every thought of me he likes, but it means that the amount of disagreements is so little or so tolerable that it doesn't hold vital values, so I do wanna keep going with her. 

I think the worst thing that can happen is when your insecurities are cynically targeted at you; that's not gonna help for improvement. You can't expect a person to understand you at all if they're not paying attention to what you're saying because they're so focused on how you say it. A person won't hear you if you don't communicate with them the way they're used to. A person won't change just because you want to, change begins with will not force. A person who doesn't understand you won't ever change for you. If a person don't stop and put his/her life aside for a second, from a God point of view, wonder and care about your needs, that person will never fulfill them, at all. There is no change in that. They might think they will pay attention more, but as life continues it is nothing but an empty promise to keep you going. Then you're back with your favorite cycle: Am I an insatiable motherfucker or is he/she not there for me, really? The doubt is back, so does confusion, the needs unmet, so do you both. 

You also can't expect a person to forgive you when you intentionally hurt them, when you say bad or do bad towards them out of hurt, rage or no matter what- You can't expect a person to hold his/her promise to be always there for you if you push them away in every little situation that triggers the fears you hold about yourself. There is no forgiveness to that. They may think they have forgiven, but in the first seconds of a similar experience the pain is back, so does the blame, so does the distance, so does the separation. 

You can't build a relationship when you don't regret what you did that caused pain.

"Okay, they're bad for us. But why do you think we still insist on being with them? Why is it so hard to let go?" "Because it's like losing your favorite toy. Do you stop playing if your favorite toy starts to hurt your hands? No. You keep playing despite the hurt. It is worth it. Or even if you don't, you just put it on the shelf. You don't give it away to your neighbor's kid to play. It's yours. You can't give it away." Okay dude, you got a point there but let's face facts: this is not a playground and they mean much more complicated feelings to us than a toy. I wish I could put people on shelves and when my hands are better I could keep playing with them again and again. To make that happen either I need to go numb on the pain or the toy needs to decide not to hurt me anymore. But toys can't change. And my pain tolerance is not that high...

The way I see it is more like Brida, the book of Paulo Coelho. There's this beautiful flower in the garden which you really enjoy, but you need to stop it there from preventing it to die, and learn how to love it from afar. It is too precious to rip off. Go, for its own sake. Just leave.

The first cut is the deepest, indeed. The first illusion will probably be the hardest to accept and pass over. It will probably take lots of espresso martinis and husky voices. There will be habits to abandon, habits you can't ever get over, funny stories left untold, memories clinging in the first letters of a place, soon-to-be-forgotten emotions pacing up and down in your brain, traces of that smell in your pillow. 

But introversion, self growth, optimism and friends will save all of us's asses. 

sometimes it is the vanishing memory that poppes into your head while you're walking to your home, sometimes it is the unfinished story you suddenly had to face in the middle of the night, it is the song that plays in the background while you're in the taxi in the backseat holding hands with the frontseat, it is the death news that made you cry in the middle of the hookup & the hug you thought that was real, it is the cool lighter you kept spinning until it's broken and pretended you had it while you danced lost in the crowd, it is the confession of a friend's suicide while you just planned to have a decent coffee & laugh, the excitement of a phonecall that kept you busy all day that you couldn't even eat, the slap to your hip of your friend's girlfriend, the spatial distance, the long-term long-distance, the smoke that creates a psysical distance between bodies, the mind-body-soul triangle you got yourself so caught up, coming back and forth between the egocentric pleasure and spiritual exposure, the toast in the terrace to the essence of the insecurities and opening-ups in a three dimensional level, the flip of the coin, the satisfying feeling of laying down in a place you will never be in again, the tension of desire, 

the shitty queer movie that you don't even know why you keep watching which is super boring & doesn't really mean anything, 
but got you to write all these. 

so i'm thankful.

the tale of a grumpy woman

it was one of those nights: those warm, semi-comfy nights that she remembered a memory which was buried inside her mind. it was buried so deeply that, it came like a very close water drop to the eye, blurry at first and it got clear as she blinked her eyes. "feels like another life" she thought. as she was thinking about it, the outlines became the shapes that form the scene. still not clear enough, but enough to talk about. 

years and years ago, an autumn day in the city center. drinks ordered, hands tied, a quirky atmosphere. chit-chats about daily life while getting closer to the main point. they met to talk about the affair they had that day: that summer morning. a morning that must have been full of regrets but tho she felt nothing.  the betrayal looked so innocent back then, although still. even now when she thinks about it, she doesn't regret it. why did she do such a thing? does it even matter, after all those years? 

so they finally got to the point, that was when the lies became. he insisted he loved her, tho it meant nothing. neither to him, neither to her: they both were aware of it. but still, she looked like she believed and feeling sorry for him. "i can't do it, that was a one night thing. i did enjoy it, but i can't keep on doing it," she tried to convince him. but he used all his tricks to get her in his way, he really thought he had a chance. she was deeply feeling sorry for him but not because of leaving him: because of seeing him begging her like this, pathetically, despairingly. she didn't regret the night but definitely regretted coming. she immediately got on the way as she waved goodbye. 

she was going to her lover. as her way home, she tried to forget the whole thing. she tried to forget everything, she did indeed. it wasn't because of her being so cold blooded or unfair: it was just because it meant nothing and it was not difficult for her to pretend that something does not even exist if something means nothing.

she got back home and saluted everyone. her lover made a dinner and asked his friends to come over. by the time she was home, the guests were leaving and only one of his friends stayed a little more. the three of them talked all night long and she forgot the whole thing as the night ended. she doesn't even remember the morning after. 

that was the last time she saw his guests and her betrayal collaborator.
now this vanishing memory came to her mind. do you know why? 
a strange thing happened to her today. 
as she was wandering around, she saw a familiar face in the crowd. she knew she had met him, but not quite sure how. so she started to track him, going after him as he was walking down the street. as she was coming behind, she started to remember who he is. what he does, what he likes, what he is like, how they saw and saluted each other the past year when they were too drunk. as he sat in a cafe having coffee, she kept observing with pure attention while spying on him on the next table. as she gathered more and more about him, the more she felt attracted to him. she wanted to go and talk with him: a small chat about what's changed through time and how they're doing right now. but would it mean anything? to her, definitely: but to him? how would she begin? what would she say? how could she break the image of her that's left to him years ago out of one night? would it be too awkward, or would it be kind of romantic in the long term? 
so she couldn't do it. she left and chose to do nothing about it- yet. 
the remembered that old memory while thinking of him. and this remembrance made everything even freaky.
that was the guest that stayed up late that night with them.
she imagined what could have been? what has she missed? 
"i fall in love too easily, i fall in love too fast, i fall in love too terribly hard for love to ever last," she hummed. it wasn't because of the lack of her soul, but the need to prove that what she had in the past was not enough and she needed something so much more. for so long, for every time she feels, for everything that's been done. 

i even went to a stranger's house with you

a nice day of may: we woke up with the sunlight, i was surprised when i saw you were cuddling with me all night. you got my tshirt on you, you were looking ridiculously handsome without your glasses on. i almost forgot what color your eyes are. i was surprised when i saw your sleep was light. you woke up before me and i woke up because of you.
we chitchatted about art and writers, it was like we never slept. we just kept on going from the point we left. you asked me about men i didn't even hear of: i still don't remember the ones you taught me about. i know so many things about so many famous directors but i don't remember any names.

we went downstairs and smoked. i don't know why but i remember feeling strange and uncomfortable. i didn't know what was gonna happen after that day and that made me nervous when i was sitting on the couch with you pretending everything's normal inside. i wanted you gone immediately or waited for a sharp move coming from you to help me understand even a little bit. but you seemed same as me. maybe your tension affected me.

we went to halic metro station. i wanted to stop for a sec and watch the sea as we walked. so we did. it was may, the weather was warm, i was wearing my pink coat. the sea was wavy, the waves were shining with the reflection of sunlight. the moment i thought it couldn't get any better, you took off your binoculars from your bag and gave it to me, and told me to look at the sea with it. and i did.

it was a holy moment. there were nothing but the voice of birds, the wavy sea, the shiny sun and me: looking at the eternal waves shining like gold. i still remember how they look. and i can still see them any time i want when i close my eyes. i was captivated by the beauty of that moment.

then you took some more pictures of the kids in the sea. we had some kind of brunch somewhere. we walked and kept talking.

then i was going to besiktas, you were going home. we hugged goodbye and separated.

haven't seen you back then. haven't even talked to you properly but that's the way it goes for years now. i don't normally think about you in a daily basis but i know you're special to me. you healed something inside me and i know that day was neither a beginning nor an end. and i don't wonder how it all is to you: i don't mind and i don't wanna ruin the idea of you with knowing my worth to you. but i do wonder if sometimes you think of me too.

oh, sorry i lost the big lighter. but anyways, you didn't even know i had it... lol

günlükler ve giriş biletleri

Hem fiziksel, hem mental olarak 3 ay önceki hayatımdan inanılmaz uzaklaştım; son dönemlerde detoxa girmiş gibiyim: Önceden bulunduğum tüm lokasyonlardan uzaklaştım, çevremde hep olmasına alışkın olduğum insanlar yok ve ben bir tür detoxun içindeyim. Kendimi eroini bırakmaya çalışırken kendini odasına hapseden Mark gibi hissediyorum. Aylardır bastırıp durduğum bütün şeyler gün yüzüne çıkıyor, çünkü şu an bastırmak için yapabileceğim hiçbir şey yok. Olur olmadık yerlerde olur olmadık şeyler için gözlerim doluyor, önceden bana hiçbir şey ifade etmeyen şeyler beni inanılmaz mutlu etmeye başladı- anneme yemek yapması için yardım etmek gibi.

Halledemediğim ve üzerine düşünmeye artık alıştığım her şey hala aklımda, önceden bu düşünceleri kafamın içinde çöpe atardım. Hani düşünürsün ve düşünmekten uyuyamazsın ya, bende artık durum düşünmekten uyuyamamak değildi, benim uykum artık olmuyordu ve yatakta bile durmuyordum. Mutfağa geçip sigara içerdim. Yeniden yatağa geçtiğimde tüm düşüncelerimi siyah çöp poşetine doldurduğumu ve yıldızlarla dolu, karanlık uzay boşluğunda boşluğa bıraktığımı ve onun aşağı düşüşünü hayal ederdim. Bu hayal beni rahatlatırdı sanırım. 

Her şey hala aklımda. Hala üstüne gittiğim halde hiçbir sonuca ulaşamıyorum ama artık yorgunluğun da verdiği bıkkınlık hissiyle duruma alışmış vaziyetteyim, sonunda az da olsa boşverme becerisi geliştirebilmiş bulunuyorum. 

Galiba bu hayattaki en büyük bağımlılığım duygularım. Hayatımdaki her şeye yön veren şey iradem olmaktan çıktı, kelimenin tam anlamıyla duygularımın esiri olmuş durumdayım. İnsanları hayatıma alırken bile başka hiçbir şeyi hesaba katmayıp bana ne hissettirebileceklerine bakıyorum. Bu insan bana ne verir; mutluluk mu, korku mu, heyecan mı, bıkkınlık mı, varoluşun alt notalarını sorgularken hissettiğim o içinden çıkılamamazlık duygusunu mu, yetersizlik mi, çaresizlik mi, tutku mu? Öyle ki, bazı sınıflar geliştirdim bu konuyla ilgili. İnsanların genel olarak hissettirdiklerini, enerjilerinin bizimkiler ile olan bağlantısını ve uyumunu düşündüğümüzde ortaya çıkan birkaç belirgin sınıf var aslında: akorlar gibi.

Her insanın bizim içimizde dokunduğu bazı noktalar var ve bu noktaların birleşmesiyle akorlar gibi kombinasyonlar çıkıyor ortaya. Sen hangi kombinasyonu daha çok seversen, (bu örnekte hangi tınıyı daha çok seversen, gibi) o insanları hayatına almaya daha eğilimli oluyorsun ve diğerleri eleniyor. Birnevi doğal seçilim.

Ama her şey bu kadar basit değil, duygularım hayatımda bu kadar ön planda ama diğer her şey gibi duygular da kalıcı değil. Herhangi bir şey bir gün aşırı sevilirken ikinci gün bir o kadar önemsiz olabiliyor. O halde duygulara güvenip hareket etmek ne derece doğru olabilir?

Geçen yazı düşünmekten kendimi alamıyorum- neler yaptığımı, kimlerle beraber olduğumu, neler yaşandığını. Düşününce inanılmaz güzel bir yazdı ve ben çok farklı deneyimler kazanmıştım: bir anın içindeyken o anın senin için, hayatın boyunca aslında çok önemli olacağının farkında olamamak ne acı. Sana yaşarken gayet sıradan gelen bir günü sonrasında tekrar tekrar düşüneceğini, o güne dönmek için inanılmaz şeyler feda edebileceğini tahmin edememek ne acı. 

Ama en acısı da o anları yaşarken bile arkaplanda bir yerlerde azıcık da olsa bi' tatminsizlik duygusunun oluşuydu. Benim tamamen, purely mutlu olabilmem için ne gerekiyor acaba? Bilmiyorum. Bunun doyumsuzlukla ilgili olmadığının farkındayım ama neyle ilgili, gerçekten hiç bilemiyorum. 

Yaşanan şeyler ve geçen zaman olduğun kişiyi değiştirir mi yoksa onu ortaya mı çıkarır? Kim olduğunu, nasıl biri olduğunu nasıl anlarsın? Hangi durumlarda, hangi davranışınla? Yıllardır sahip olduğun ana bir karakter mi var mıdır yoksa bu her geçen gün değişir mi? İnsan 7'sinde neyse 70'inde de o mudur yoksa bugün bile dün olduğumuz kişiyle aynı kişi değil miyizdir aslında? Artık kim olduğuma, nasıl biri olduğuma, ne istediğime karar veremiyorum. Yeniden ilk ergenlik dönemi sorgulamalarına düştüm ama o zamanlar 14 yaşındaydım ve şu günlerimin hayaliyle kendimi biraz rahatlatabiliyordum. Şimdi neredeyse 20 yaşındayım ve önceden içinde bulunacağımı hayal ettiğim zaman diliminin tam da içindeyim: bu sefer rahatlamak için ne yapmalıyım emin değilim, çünkü 25 yaşımı hayal etmek istemiyorum. 25 yaşında nasıl olurum, tahmin bile edemiyorum. 

Bir şeyleri gözümde büyütmemeye çalışsam da olmuyor. donanımlı, sanatlı, üretken, anlamlı bir yaşam sürmeliyim ve başarıya olan delice tutkumdan vazgeçmeliyim. Bir de net çizgilere. Her şey siyah ya da beyaz olmak zorunda değil. Bir savunma mekanizması olarak kendimi güvence altına almak için her şeyin her zaman net olmasını istiyorum ama aslında her şey iç içe, hiçbir zaman hiçbir durumda hiçbir şeyin netliği/kesinliği yok ve her şey tamamen bizim algılayış biçimimizle ilgili. An itibariyle 7,6 milyar farklı bakış açısı.