on being in a cocoon & the will to be a butterfly

We were walking. We were 5. We were headed somewhere where we just lay back and enjoy our company. I was starting to feel a thing inside me which bothers me but not on the surface, I was wondering if it would pass or it would just spread to my whole night. 

It didn't begin right away, it was there before we were headed too. A feeling of hesitation. A feeling of confusion, the confusion between how it used to feel like and now it feels now. There were so much that I would like to share but something in me just kept me in a way that I just couldn't. A feeling of lack of matter, as if it won't matter if I share or not, it won't even make a difference if I was there or not. 

We sat, I was just not feeling in the moment. Something in me was bothering me that, I just don't matter that much anymore, what was happening was just a matter of habit, as if they were just keeping up with me, as if it was just a learnt act that we gather and enjoy time - out of habit & obligation. In the littlest things you notice life and I felt like a number, a plus one which was okay in some ways. When I remembered back how I usually feel in my daily life nowadays it was just way below the level, insecure, worthless, not even concrete but as a gas if it makes sense. It didn't start right away. It was already boiling in me for a month now. 

I wanted to go to the toilet and she kept me company. I didn't need it but you know, it's just the way it is, it's a act better as a duo when you are in a group. We were approaching to this bar nearly closed, I knew they wouldn't let strangers in but somehow I also knew we were going to get in. So we did. At first he didn't wanna let us be in, then he was like, Get in but I didn't see you. And then we were in. I was feeling really out of place, in my mind, somewhere else. It was a feeling of not belonging, a feeling of nostalgia when you haven't actually left yet but you know you are about to so you just soak in the moment but also realizing that now those moments are not the same as it used to be anymore. It just didn't make sense. I turned up my phone and took some notes when I was feeling shocked by the fact that I knew we were gonna be in and we somehow did. Why would it matter to me? Ho would I know that? How would I know that? How would I not feel belong here? 

The signs around me slap in my face as messages nowadays. The theme is to live self-centric. Which I enjoy, I put up a hard work to get myself here. And I am super content with it: with myself, with how I guide my life, with how I communicate with others, how I connect with the people around me. But it is not one sided so it causes troubles some times and I tend to avoid connecting with those who would cause me trouble in the long term, I tend to keep my circle close & tight and I enjoy that. But then something happens, my best friend yells at me for not showing my love enough, all of a sudden I go back to a memory of mine which I felt safe and loved, I feel guilty over a night where I could spend with family instead I went and got drunk with a friend; they collect and collapse on me as a remorse to prove me wrong, to tell me that I am not acting healthy. 

Yesterday I came back to the city I've been living in for the last 6 years, I took a bath and when I was taking a bath I realized a thought. A weird feeling. I thought, it is so weird that, you feel more at home in a place which you made out of nothing, than the house you've grown in. Yet here today, I find myself feeling the exact opposite. What can I do, what can I say? There is a side in me which I cannot tame, I cannot put behind cages and it's started to hunt me whatever I do now. 

We came back, we started to collaborate. I started talking about somewhere I would like to be. Yes, I am sorry, I would much prefer the thrill over this weird connection I was feeling between us which feels - not right. In a way. Then the song started to play. You're on your own, in a world you've grown. I didn't know if it was me feeling too much or the ones around me feeling too little. I dissociated and I felt like I am in an indie movie. Camera turns to me in slow motion, the volume increases, close up to my looks, then it turns to the environment I am in, then to me again, the songs captures you. Is this darkness or the dawn? 

Then we left. The feeling was at its peak. It hadn't started right away. I know it way too good. I've lived with it for years before. All those times I felt there was something wrong with me, in me. But it was not about it. It was not about me being wrong, or them being wrong. It was just because we were on different frequencies in life, enjoying different things,  I care in the other way around. I was just waiting for the moment where I am home by myself digesting all. The feeling you cannot escape, the feeling you just want so badly to escape but once it surrounds you you give in and you act on that. 

I knew, for sure, after that night that it was time for me to get the hell out of this place.

why I fancy people I fancy

Song

There I was, feeling surprised in the morning of how things turned out to be; I had no clue back then that I’d still be thinking of him as days pass by. “How did we get here?” I was thinking, because things did not happen in the sequence that I am accustomed to. You know the generic pattern, you see someone you find them attractive and you wonder about them. This time it was the other way around, we met in a social space where we also met 100 other people, we became friends and shared moments together, gradually one thing let to another and it just turned out to be a kind of… love, for me, I guess. Stupidly, even now when I think of the moments we shared one-to-one I feel like I’m about to cry. It is not that I am sad or sorry, it is because the feeling is so high that it tries to find a way to get out of my body and I feel like crying.

Such a feeling, ha? It is not like I experience it every day. It is funny how you have no idea where & when the spark would shine. Maybe that is the beauty of it. Something we have no control of. Something beautiful & frustrating.

Why do I fancy people that I fancy? It is a question I ask myself from time to time, to have a better understanding of the roots of my behaviors & desires. Obviously the reason I fancy people changes, but I’ve found it interesting enough to share how I feel about it at this time of my life. 

I recognized a repeating act of me when it comes to feel “high” on people, the people which I felt the spark with, I noticed some similarities of those people: 1. We get to to spend 2-3 days together and then they go away. 2. We usually happen to live in different countries / cities. So the common theme is: they last short and they don’t have a chance to grow big. 

Before, I was thinking, obviously it was because we spend so little time together (so we know little about each other and there is a blissful side of short things as we all aware of) but then I proved myself wrong: I don’t feel the spark AFTER we separate. I feel it during. So it is not correct.

Then, I put down the possibility of me making up things that I don’t know about them in a way that would make me want them more, there was times when I was doing that but no, I don’t do that anymore. I just see what people show me and don’t try to guess up the rest or look for something behind their actions. So, this also, goes off the table.

Then I thought, maybe it is a self sabotage I do to myself subconsciously; I LET myself feel the spark because deep down I know it’s not gonna last. That made sense, because I tend to do this: ending things when it is at their best to remember it in that great way. (It works for me to think like that) For a while I was convinced that it was the reason and I went by with it.

But what I realized lately, as I was reading a blog of a British girl talking about happenings in her life, I read something as this: “Think of relationships as sand or water. Every relationship has their own shape, your relationship with your mother is a shape, sisterhood another shape, your relationship with your bestie is a best friend shaped relationship.” What if you just do not pour down the sand in any shape? It just flows and scatters, spills literally everywhere. I realized, I feel the most comfortable in communications that are not defined by any shape, mindset, forcing or geography. That’s the area I am more likely to feel the spark.

With all those people who I felt the spark with and then needed to leave, the spark I felt was not because we got to spend short time together or not about my ambivalent attachments towards them. It was, a bit about something we just can’t explain (call it energy, call it fate) and a little bit because we put no boundaries, lines, promises between us & we just became ourselves as we are, living in that moment as how we felt guided moments, we just bounded, connected, made the best out of it & then had to move on with our lives. We didn’t pour the sand in any shape, so the sand spread, twirling between our bodies, scattered into both of our lives. And it became… us. We became the sand. We carry it around wherever we go now, when we think of each other. 

As a person who would once need reassurance, trust, approval all the time; I now enjoy living in the undefined in such uncertainty. Because I am enjoying myself above all other things. As long as I feel that way, I don’t need the reassurance of tomorrow because I don’t even care. 

So yeah, safe to say that I fancy people that I could freely run in the wild mountains with, that would not limit who I am but to add more to it, that we wouldn’t put our sand in our pockets or limit it with any shape but we spread the sands wherever we are & the world would shine because of the sand we spread together. 

And yeah, I still think of him from time to time as weeks passed by. I put on the song I was so surprised he knew, think of how we danced to it as he sang it. I stupidly feel hot in my cheeks, a weight in my chest. I wish the best for him and keep moving on.

 

I got a new eye serum about a week ago & I have been super excited to do my skin care routine before bed at night. I cannot wait to see its effects on my circles, how the purple liquid in the bottle would slowly decrease in time and leave all the healing minerals on my skin. Today I also got a new tonic enriched with hyaluronic acid and it’s super effective and it is well proven and now that I have it I am also super, uber excited to keep up with my skin care routine before bed.

This pattern feels very familiar; every time I get new things I am super excited to try them on: I get a book and I immediately start reading. I get a lipstick & I forget about all the lipsticks I have in my drawer. I get a pair of shoes and if they are comfy enough all my other shoes come second. But then again… I fuck the shoes up and they don’t look new after a month, I lose the lipstick, I never finish the book & I am never good at keeping up with my skincare routine for long. 

The charm of “new” always triggers my curiousity, yet almost never enough to keep me up there. It’s like when you meet someone new, the thrill that keeps you up at night slowly decrease - if not combined with other thrills that follow the first one. The joy, the tendency slowly fades away as days go by & as the mean you put onto it doesn’t feel like that much anymore. 

So is the life, passing by with circular- not circular, spiral patterns showing itself in your new eye serum, lipstick, unexpected crush. Is “the will” enough to keep them as exciting to you, or is it nothing to do with it at all? 

...so I stopped daydreaming

As a single woman who is counting down to 25, I finally relate to HIMYM’s Robin as she says “Guys are like the subway. You miss one, another comes along in five minutes.”

I don’t know if it is me maturing, me working my ass off to build the life I dream of, me getting sick of disrespect, me appreciating else things way better as I used to do; but there has been a remarkable shift in my priorities for the last couple of months. I take no shit, I feel more grounded than ever, I could win prizes for my performance in sustaining my energy and I feel at peace.

I don’t wait around for something to happen to make me happy, I don’t force, I don’t chase - not in the sense of Tom chasing Jerry. While maintaining my peace of mind, there is no room in my mind to think about the coulda woulda been’s - I love it.

I stay true to myself, observe around, check in with myself while in the moment going through things and recognize the little “!!!” moments which make my heart beat, and which don’t.

To change something, first you gotta realize it; but realizing is never enough to change the pattern of the behaviour. Tho it can help preventing yourself from going to wrong directions, or just give you the chance to choose to commit a mistake, if any. Discovering yourself is an endless journey and being a single woman, in the city that never sleeps, serves my journey perfectly. I got countless chances to meet countless people, as I got as cautious as I could ever be. Knowing what I wanted has never been easy as my mind changes as I change my nail polish, but at least now I have some sure thoughts on what I don’t want anymore, which is super relieving - not as practical. While having all the info I got: what I like, what I don’t like, what I don’t want, what I disguise; I sometimes have some gaps in understanding why I feel what I feel. Why I feel nothing to a person who seems perfect on paper, why I tend to run away when I see someone I was once interested in crushing on me, why I get shaky over a boy I’ve only seen twice but even a notification about him gives me a smile. How I’m drawn to his cocky, distant way of texting and not to the other one who seems to understand my tides and ready to serve(?) the world to me.

In each circumstance and to everyone I keep being me, being as true and natural as I could be; I don’t daydream or guess or even think about what they think about me anymore. I don’t force, I don’t bear, I don’t fake or I don’t take. I just try to understand the logic behind my “!!!” moments and hope, some time, somewhere, one of those countless people’s “!!!” moments happens to meet one of my “!!!” moments & the magic happens in my fairyland where everything feels like pink cotton candies. I know everything will turn my way, what’s mine will find me, without me making a hard effort getting it, everything is great as it is and there’s no reason for it to become more fabulous and dreamy and brilliant each and every day. 

on indecision & desperate insists

a thing has been on my mind for about a month now, and I feel like I need to get it done to get it over in my head. why this insist? isn't it weird, that, even if it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end, you want it to happen so badly just to go through it? what's it about actually? what's the source feeling in that? 

anyway, I woke up to a day which I don't wanna leave bed ever, which I ended up making it true. whiskey in my stomach, a bruise on my knee I don't remember happening, clothes on the floor type of day. I put my phone on airplane mode and caught up with some TV show I should've watched earlier, but couldn't find that spare time. my head empty, my mouth dry, gosh how I missed being this dump. 

at some point I turned on my phone, texted back to those. a friend of mine called me and invited me over to his house, such care in his tone of voice, with a sea view and food and beers - a friend whom I can talk about anything with ease, seeing the world through similar type of lenses. the invite was so appealing, despite my hungover. I also remembered, I thought to myself yesterday that, work-life does not limit what you could do on the weekends; it is YOU who limits you. because lately I often find myself canceling plans, saying "no" to events 'because I gotta work the next day'. or because 'one day isn't enough to recover from that type of night so let's call it off'. thinking ahead, thinking ahead, thinking ahead. then why bother living, if you gotta keep thinking of the next move, next day? so I kinda decided to, live weekends as they come, to not limit myself because of responsibilities - because they are not gonna go away. they are here to stay. till the day I die. I just gotta figure out a new way to live with them.

but I didn't feel like a chat at all, take a cab, go, get tired, come home late, sleep late, wake up restless, go through a big monday day, because I do have a lot to do tomorrow. and I care so I have to be keen-set. 

then another friend called, my best friend, wanted to see me today. I also wanted to see her too, but now that's plan 2, I was not even ready for plan 1, but I automatically made a plan in my mind which could perfectly work, if I were to be willing to step outside. 

I was still feeling empty-headed, talked away my sister saying "I am not in the mood for a chat", that's how much I didn't feel like chatting. I was tired, I needed a break, watching the love hexagon on that Netflix show in bed and not doing anything else felt more appealing to me than everything else. 

I tried to make a decision of stepping out or not for about 2 hours, it was just so hard to decide what to do. Because 1, if not today then it'll be the next weekend cuz weekdays are workdays, 2, "do I really wanna spend all day in bed?" yes. do I get the fear of missing out? yes. did I just feel bad because I kinda wanna act the opposite way I thought yesterday? yes because it is super inconsistent... and I hate inconsistency... yet here I am finding myself changing minds over A DAY... 

in the end, I called everybody off, still in bed, drinking my herbal tea & writing these. still got a headache, tho I feel great. sometimes while trying to decide to do the RIGHT thing & trying to make EVERY PERSONA in you happy; you just forget that there is no such thing as right nor keeping everyone happy. sometimes you just gotta listen to your guts and do whatever feels good to you, even if it means not leaving bed. 

even if it means forcing that one thing to happen desperately, even tho it has a high potential of leading something terrible in the end??? not sure about that one

three shorties about sexual act

i fucking disappeared in my dream

One day, I woke up feeling traumatised and I got off the bed immediately to go to the office as earlier as I can. On my way to the office, I started remembering my dream. I was like a lecturer, giving speech about how women are not allowed to talk about sex as freely as men, cultural taboos towards it, how hard it is for us women to share what we think about any kind of sexual activity, how we suppress our feelings or just give an effort to not share any details of that part of our lives & how fucked up it is. Then, some earthquake happened, I remember everything falling apart in a way in a disaster or something, and I die. My dreaming mind and my conscious mind after waking up interpreted it this way: we are so repressed to talk about it that I was punished and died when I talked a little too much about it, even in a dream. Is that such a bad thing? Is that such a shameful, secret, private, sacred thing? How can something that you can shamelessly show and experience to a person you just met without any embarrassment makes you feel so bad, uncomfortable and out of the norm when you talk about it? There is something very vile, hypocritical, and unfair here. When it comes to showing our opinions openly and honestly on everything else, why do we all turn into ignorant apes when it comes to sex, as if that wasn't what sustains humanity and the reason that we all are here? I didn't see it, I didn't hear it, I don't know. I can't talk, I can't share; I cannot expose myself: but I also expect, I wish, I hope, I judge others on the subject. What kind of lack of character in this? And so I decided to be as open, transparent, and honest as possible about it, both to myself and to the world around me. 

do we want to make a terrible decision?

As I could still feel the presence of him in my thighs, I was having little flashbacks of 30 minutes ago where the world seemed natural, in the flow and I being in the moment. Maybe listening to your guts and not thinking it through is the way to work things out sometimes, it was too soon to tell. As I inhaled sitting at the back seat of the taxi I checked in only to find out the lightness of the feeling which comes when you feel when you did something just at the right time, at the right place, at the right day & with the right person. A safe, healthy trade where everything’s on the table and nothing there to guess. A mutual, happy transaction. I wonder how it will attract the rest. 

casual ones, gambling times

Once I met with one of my girls on an event we were attending to, she brought in a date with her. First date, he met with her close circle, she seemed joyful about it. He was super confident, we bounded super quickly & in a short time, with the help of some wine I was just telling her in front of him that, "I would like to see this guy again". 

Then I left off somewhere, the next day I met with her at mine for her to spill some tea. She seemed super intense about him. How their night went absolutely amazing, the way he treated her at bar & when they were behind closed doors. Everything seemed almost magical to be true, we both were so sure that there would be a definite second date, maybe a possible love-disaster, something strong, something that would last more than an hour; something that made her feel in a way. That made her heart beat. 

We were talking about all those possible scenarios, asking hypothetical questions; what if's & but if's. Tho it was pretty soon to talk about such topics, (cuz it's only been a date, right? Even if it felt great.) we were just going out and about every little detail - as we pretty much always do. 

Then what happened? He did not call again. For weeks, no clue about him. 

I couldn't help but think; what was it about sex that makes it right and done for men but makes it the opposite - the start, the beginning & the excite for women? 

I took a second to filter back through my life of wonder, I kinda have the opposite back behavior after something happens. I would have bestowed this event on that day, and with the thought of "it happened and it's over", I leave it on that day in order to remember the beautiful thing well, and try to continue my life as if it never happened, until the point I see a move from the person. 

Tho I am familiar with the feels of attachment, safety, a kind of peace that comes when you get intimate with a person that you don't know well enough. It's like, with the attraction that comes on pre-party; when felt good, you start to perceive reality in a way that almost everything you've done in life brought you to that point to that magical moment of primitivity; you start to seek a meaning in such basic acts. 

How come tho? How come, it is -as I've known- mostly women who got carried away by such intercourse? Women release oxytocin, a bonding hormone, when they have sex, so in many cases it's hard not to feel at least a little attached. 

So there are 3 paths to go if you want to avoid catching feelings. 

1, you accept the fact that you're a human-being with emotions & a complex process system; so you stop having casual affairs because you know in the end it doesn't worth the post-drama of it.
2, you accept the fact that you care more about your sexuality than the weight of the emotions you don't wanna carry; so you keep on having them tho with the conscious mind that could keep reminding you that those feels are not real, or they are real tho they are not specific. 
3, you accept the fact that you do not care that much about what happens or what does not, whatever happens you just keep distracting yourself with some things else so you don't even find time to think specifically on it and it just goes away. What an ignorant way of thinking, isn't it?

life is so stupid I love it

Theme of lately

Life is so precious and so unpredictable and so alive and so changeable that I can't stop but be amazed by it every fucking second of every fucking day.

Here you are, at the age of 24, thinking that you'd seen it all, you walked past and back the spectrum of emotions, reached every note, now it is only going to be a repetitive cycle of the same notes - maybe higher, or lower, but the same feels that you once knew. All done. You got it all figured out. You've seen it all. What else could be there?

Then BAM. Life happens. And you are shocked, once again, with the same excitement and same cute little fears once again, but in a slightly different way; more mature, more sane & in a much more joyful way, each time. 

Funny how everything we do, think, doubt for is nothing but the reflections of who we really are, what we are made of.

Change = (Awarenes x Will) + Strength to do so. 

Comfort zone is not only where you feel safe but it is also the feeling of not letting go because you invested so much in it, you can't take the feel of all going in vain so you stick to the thing that does not serve you, that's your comfort zone. Being a risk taker is not only doing stuff on the edge, bungee jumping; it is also the act of letting go of the thing you want so fucking much but also aware of the fact that it's not for you, that's your bungee jumping but you crash every day until you no longer fear to crash, then you fly & be free. 

I feel like I've dived into my comfort zone and surfed from one hill to another until I realize the theme behind the gap of how I define myself and how I wasn't able to act accordingly. It took me a while, oh more than I thought, days spent under the judgement of "Seriously? Still?", to really get over the last two years: to forgive everything that happened to me and everything that I caused. I kept myself so busy that I consciously give myself no room to think about it all more than I should have, as a success-addicted person it felt so good. It actually helped me decrease my obsession with being too good. I literally had no time to spent in vain so it also held me down from silly acts, not silly but the acts I would tend to do when I feel a certain way- The more I spent time with friends & family, the more I started to get back to myself.

I remember thinking exactly a year ago, like what happened to me? "What happened to the little girl with so much confidence, joy, so decisive, tough? At what point have I changed and become so unsure of myself that it led me to where I am now?" Almost all of my childhood memories are related to me being super reckless, natural, curious but critical, confident. Like when I was 5 years old yelling at someone who was respected and feared by everyone in the family, because he was mean to my aunt. Or how I wanted to be a neurosurgeon just because "it's very difficult and very few people were able to do it". How I was able to stand up for my own ideas and express myself ridiculously well. 

Then BAM. Life happened and I literally built myself a life depending on approval, on how other's feel about me, everyone liking me, being the good girl without any mistakes. It felt natural, coming from a super compassionate, warm-hearted mother; but I also ended up with a burnout after facing with a couple of big failures; I hated losing. Losing my dignity, losing someone I love, losing a game; the concept of losing was a direct attack of my self image that supports the belief of me being not worthy. Supporting 17-years-old me, nihilist Albert Camus fan, "Nothing really matters and we are all just a stardust in a big galaxy on a planet that worths nothing" type of shit. 

With lots of nights thinking about everything, lots of books on psychology, lots of yoga, meditation, enlightenment, practices of mindfulness, long deep talks with friends & a lot of help from them; I feel so happy to see myself, outgrown all the misery related to my genes, traumas of me- ones happened to me & ones I caused myself go through, stupid beliefs and all that. I realized I am the only person who judges me the most, so harsh - nobody even cares that much. How I act is not always associated with who I am. 

I stopped being a stupid dreamer who romanticised every little thing, defining how I feel with miserable song lyrics, being too nice to not hurt people's feelings, getting caught up with my inner voice panicking in an uncertainty and courages me to avoid everything and go to bed; taking life, people, myself and situations so seriously. I have learnt not to trust my emotions, not to trust my thoughts; but my instincts- but thank god I can also avoid them. Learnt how to just watch and observe without acting. I have learnt how to love myself. I have been to hell & back, fallen, crashed; but now I am finally free.

I became that little girl again - but make it more adultish. 

God knows what this year holds but I am ready to embrace, enjoy & love again.

Tho it's relieving to think that you're nothing but a stardust, you are everything to yourself. Nihilism is for losers (sorry Camus). You owe yourself to give what you deserve, which is whatever the fuck you want to have & achieve in this world. 

Thank you for listening to my tedtalk and have a nice day