on the need of confrontation

I had a friend once, he was writing down letters to his ex-girlfriend even after 2 years they broke up; explaining how he feels and why it didn't work out but how he would want to make it work - apparently he hadn't had the closure he needed and was not resilient enough to do it himself. 

It is a funny side of every happening; cuz each has three sides: 1 in the mind of one of the parties, 2 in the mind of the other one of the parties, 3 what actually just happened. Each action, each touch, each word resonates differently with those different parties; in the end it is just a whole different experience & completely different stories. A fact we are all aware of but always keep forgetting. A fact that either takes us to the sky or just fucks us up. 

As I grow older I realize that the more I seize the day and carpe diem without really putting a thought on it, I more I regret it in the next day. It was plays and fun when I was, I don't know, 21 or something, when I knew less about people, psychology, instincts, life, what matters. I cannot live by my instincts anymore, I care about the long term gain better than the short-lasting prize feelings. But when you are drunk and affected it doesn't always be this way. On a morning where I was feeling like a disaster, I started to think: why do we despair the confrontation so badly that we cannot rest without having it? Is it the fear to be misunderstood or not at all, or the hope that maybe it would change things? Do we really want it for ourselves or just to prove the other that we actually worth something? 

I was feeling dreadful because I realized that I was not acting the way I was feeling for a remarkable amount of time. As I called my best friend to just shit about everything she awakened me by saying, 'Stop creating a life for yourself where you go around in the same circles. Haven't we talked about this? Wasn't it clear for you, what you want and how you want it? Then why are you acting just the opposite?' What was I trying to gain from going through an experience for the 100th time and expecting a different result out of it? It is a consequence of me acting unthoughtfully for just one night and then obsessing over what happened that one day - things I did not expect at all. Then I started to get paranoid: what the other party thought about me? How was I seemed? What's gonna happen next? Why do I feel like I am back in high school again? Why do I fantasize things out of a little, tiny happening? I went to my therapist, begging for advice on how to see things differently. She relieved me by saying that it is all normal, I feel this way because I am a human-being, especially when something happens when you least expect it there is nothing more normal to get so freaking excited over it. For one day I managed to live up to my feelings, enjoyed it while it lasts - been a very fucking long time since I last felt this way, you know I am telling you I was back in high school again. My therapist warned me that me that feeling these is normal, but me trying to suppress it and feel bad about it is the problematic part. Because I was (still am) so sure that in the end it wouldn't end up well at all, which made me feel stressed and anxious and in the end it caused me to betray myself by acting the opposite of how I was feeling. I could keep living up to my feelings but instead I ignored them and act as if I was just cool about everything - sassy, free-spirited, doesntgiveashit me. It didn't help anything at all, instead everything got worse. As the days went by I felt more shit, more out of center, more mistakes more dreams more living in my head, more guilt more disappointment and more... sorrow over things that did not even actually happen and will never be. Maybe that was the point. Because I acted so out of myself I felt so guilty and angry to myself that, I just ended up turning things around in the wrong way and sabotaged the whole situation to not ever happen again. I was literally sitting in my room crying out of the things I was feeling - 'I know you don't want it, but you are not that 15 years old girl anymore, you are an adult, you can handle it, you got this, everything will be okay' I was talking to myself, as I was doing my makeup for another night out just to not miss out if anything would happen ever again. I didn't even feel like going out that night. But here I was looking out in the crowd just to see if... that one of the parties is there. What a pathetic, humiliating, downgrading act. 'Why are you recreating the life you ran away from?' My bestie asked me. Well, I really didn't know. 

One thing happened, and then a lot of things happened in my head, and then I cut it off for good in the end. I have been dying for a confrontation for the last two days. Because I know I was not actually myself the whole time, I know things hasn't discussed is just bothering me, I know my eyes are just round the corner in everywhere I go. I also know they could think I'm a freak, that I'm inconsistent and not obvious at all, but what the hell at this point. I, just, need, that confrontation. I was thinking. 

But just today I realized, I don't actually need it at all, I just want it because I wanna see how things would go after having it; but what the hell at this point: I know enough to know that if someone wants something they get it. And I cannot just flow, wait, 'see how it goes', I am a person of action and impatient and anxious and sensitive and feel so strongly and all that - I accept it. That's why even having a confrontation wouldn't help anything, I felt how I felt anyway. What's done is done. No stepping back from it. There's no point. 

I just needed to confront myself and accept that I do indeed need sharing, intimacy, drinks sitting at the high chairs of a bar, quality chat, 'what have you been doing until this age?' kind of getting to know someone and someone to get to know me, reading with a chai tea, talking shits about different tastes and jokes about insecurities, jumping into ideas with equal excitements: I just need to accept and be accepted. And put my fucking fear or pride or 'I should act cool' belief aside and just ACCEPT how I really feel. That is the only confrontation I need. Let's hope it will all turn out good in the end, and thank to the other party of this story for that magical night; appreciate that it happened and reminded me that I still do have feelings. 

artwork from Tyler Spangler

on open relationships

A guy approached me the other day, when I was working at this cafe. His opening line was how beautiful my eyes are (lack of creativity), we had a small talk on where I'm from (what a convo starter), then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. (Well, he was good looking and native Spanish speaker; someone I could practice to) He texted me that night and we met after two days. 

The moment we met I knew it wasn't gonna happen, well in the cafe when he approached me I was sitting and couldn't really tell how tall he was; apparently we are the same height, and I cannot do with that. But still, I was there; wouldn't hurt to have a chat and make new friends. We sat at this restaurant and talked about our lives; apparently he was 35, traveling around and all that. In the middle of our conversation, he told me like, 'I just want to be completely honest with you. I am in a relationship for 5 years. Because I started traveling, we turned it into an open relationship. She is back home and here I am, sitting with you. I'd regret it if I didn't come up to you, but I think you should know this.' I thanked him and appreciated his honesty, I friendzoned him the moment I met him already so no worries at all. In the end I found myself giving advices to him on how to make the relationship better (they were also having issues he told me) how to spice things up maybe if he doesn't wanna call it off. We sat for about an hour more and then I goodbyed him home (probably forever because I was not interested at all and I was obvious about it). But it got me thinking. Can we think a little more on open relationships? 

In the majority of the population, relationships are between 2 people as if it's a rule: when I was working for a queer supporting company that gives advices to people about relationships; I was shocked on one revision I got; they told me to not use the phrase 'from the other person' because it refers that relationships are between two people but actually no; it can be between 3 or maybe even more (?). I also found it interesting to think about back then because we are just so programmed of thinking about relationships as monogamic, holy, enchanting experiences. I don't say this in a bad way, but is it the only way? That reminds me of that book I've read, a true story from a comic book writer; he only have sex with prostitutes for years. He find it comforting, safe, story-creating, he even had a serious relationship with one of them, he enjoys it the way it is. That book also changed my perspective on being with sex workers; well I still don't want to try it out but I am less judgmental. Because, there are always other ways to see things; the back of the medallion you know. In the movie of Xavier Dolan, 'Laurence Anyways'; a guy and a woman in a relationship but he wants to be a trans man, the movie is about how she supports him throughout the journey. Which is also very interesting, a very brave movie I recommend. 

Back to the subject. Being born and grown up in Turkey, especially in Turkish or most middle eastern cultures open relationships are not even considered. It is off the table, no matter what. General idea of it is, if you wanna f*ck other people let's break up. And I get that. Again, coming from a Turkish culture, jealousy is a big thing in relationships. I remember when I was head over heels for someone, I would stalk all the girls he follows on Instagram get even jealous when a girl puts her hand on his shoulder at a party or even envy his childhood friends because they got to see his journey as he grows up and become a man. You know, THAT type of possession in a way. So because of that, I guess half of my friends would execute me for what I'm about to say. But that's just what I think for now as a 26 years old woman still working on attachment. 

I think the way most people see open relationships are, in the perspective of a sexual connection and; they don't want to share the people they love the most with anybody else in a sexual way. And I totally get that. For women it's hard because we are very emotional creatures, I remember even to picture my boyfriend with someone else would tear up my eyes back then. For men it is also hard because they take this 'being with someone else' act too linked with their manhood, and they in a way feel less of a man when their girlfriend becomes with another. Which is totally normal, understandable, we are humans and we want things to ourselves. Maybe this is the 'normal' way. But what I think is, what if open relationships are a form of high love? There are some situations where you are married for 10 years and need a thrill or you have to live abroad for 2 years and we can all agree on distance relationships hardly work, in that type of situations what you normally do is breaking up. Makes sense. But maybe there is an other way, which is having an open relationship, which means you love the person so much and trust the connection between you two so much that, you are not even worried someone else can be the case or come between you two. Maybe you do the open relationship thing, to make it work. You have such a transparency, trust and love; you are willing to try it so that you don't lose each other. In a world where people think they 'belong' together it is a very hard concept to understand or even think; but we are not in 1950 anymore. We know that we don't own anyone. We know if something is off, then it's not gonna work because of the passive agressive acts, lies, fights, cheats. Instead of turning things toxic, why not be open and honest about it and TALK and TRY something out? Maybe open relationship owners know how to love unconditionally no matter what without putting the other person in a cage; freeing them and supporting them. Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'the other person', I keep forgetting that

I care about privacy, intimacy, specialty and all that but what I care about the most is the honesty and the connection so maybe, if we should, thinking things through and trying things out is not the worst thing in the world. Complicated, hurtful, challenging, but not the worst... So I shouldn't have freaked out when the guy told me about it. I shouldn't have said NEVER when my first boyfriend hypothetically asked if I would be ok with it. You know what they say, never say never. One does not die without experiencing the very thing they once criticized. Let's think things through without making it about us.